Not funny

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Not funny
7
Mon, 07-15-2013 - 7:30pm

  So...my mother's 80th birthday party is coming up on the 28th.  My DD29 told mea while back to text her her grandmother's address and she'd send a card.  She lives in CA and we live in the midwest, so of course she won't come (can't afford it), but said she'd send a card.  I texted her my mother's address the other day and what did  get back??  (And this is from a child I RARELY hear from)...she texted, "She doesn't get a card.  She's over 18."  If my DD thought she was being funny, I disagree.  I found it rude and disrespectful.  Granted, my DDs don't like my mother (that's a LONG story), but I thought that comment was uncalled for.  I honestly thought she was a grown-up now and would just send a card as she said she'd do simply because it's the right thing to do.  The comment referred to the fact that my parents quit sending grandchildren birthday cards and money at age 18 whereas her father's parents (now just their other grandmother...grandpa passed away last year), STILL send their grown grandchildren birthday cards and money.  Granted...I will be the grandparent who continue these things AFTER age 18 as my ex MIL does, but my parents have alot of granchildren and not alot of money, so set down different rules regarding these things.  My DD also said once that she wouldn't come to her grandmother's party, but WOULD come to her funeral (which I have no doubt won't happen either).  My parents lived farther away than my ex's, so his were much more involved grandparents and adored their grandchildren.  My parents rarely  came to visit (although it was within driving distance) and just weren't a big part of my DDs lives.  Regardless of how they feel about their grandmother, I feel sad that they don't at least feel an acknowledgment would be the right to do (in the form of a card). 

I feel like I missed the boat in teaching my adult DDs about respect of their elders, but am also appalled at my DDs comment.  She MAY have thought she was being funny.  I thought it was just mean and disrespectful.  I honestly thought she had finally grown up.  Guess I was wrong.  I didn't even respond. 

Thanks for letting me vent.  It's just so disappointing to rarely hear from an adult child and then to get a text like that.  It makes me just feel sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 07-15-2013 - 7:38pm

I agree that is a very childish response, not one you would expect from a 29 yr old.  My kids only have 1 grandparent still alive, who is my mother, who is 87.  I'm glad that they have a close relationship with her.  I know different families have different things about cards--my ex had 5 siblings and they didn't send cards for any occasions, except one of his sisters will send my kids cards for important events, which is nice--even the ones who are godparents don't send cards.  But I don't think my kids hold it against them.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 07-16-2013 - 2:03pm

Not knowing your DD's sense of humor, I can't speak for her. . . but it's exactly the sort of thing my 21yo DS would say, and he'd mean it entirely in jest, as a reference to the "no gifts past a certain age" thing.

If I weren't sure, I would simply have texted back, "Haha - good one!  I know you were just joking."  It's easy for people to misunderstand each other via email and text, since there's no face to face, but if something makes you uncomfortable, you have to clarify or you may end up harboring ill feelings where none are warranted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Tue, 07-16-2013 - 4:04pm

My "kids" are 40 and 42 years old.  I would never expect them to send their paternal grandmother a card or anything else.  She was a lousy grandmother who spent their lifetimes comparing them negatively to their cousins (even though my kids have done well in life vs. her other grandchildren who have been into drugs, burglary...prision time, etc. as adults).  She was never a caring grandmother even though she had plenty of opportunities to at least play fair with them. 

I think one reaps what they sow, and it sounds like your daughter is doing exactly that.  I see no reason for your daughter to acknowledge someone who doesn't mean anything to her. 

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 07-18-2013 - 5:14pm

Totally something my DD27 would say.  Although I do find it odd that she would ask for the address, then reply that way.  Which leads me to believe she was just beimg a smarty pants. 

Now, was the comment necessary?  Of course not.  But I don't think she was trying to be mean.  As I read your post, my initial reaction was not of disrespect, just sarcastic humor.  Not saying you have to like it, just saying it is nothing to take personal. 

I also question these types of things for myself.  My family doesn't make a big deal about Mothers day, so can I really expect any more from my own grown kids?  Stuff like that. 

I hope the party is wonderful!!!

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Sun, 07-21-2013 - 4:28pm

  Thanks, Serenity.  I keep remembering what your mother always said...that DDs weren't worth a hoot until they were at least 30.  :)  This daughter has one more year.  I simply didn't find it humorous in this situation, so didn't respond.  What bothers me more is the fact I never hear from her, but in this case, she felt she had to respond in a sarcastic way.  Whatever.

The party will be wonderful.  I only see my family once a year and me and my 3 siblngs haven't all been together since 1998 (a cousins' wedding in AZ), so my mother is sooo excited.  I feel sad though that, although my younger 2 DDs are within driving distance (4 hours) of the hometown, they are not coming out of choice.  My parents have 13 grandchildren and 6 of the out of state ones aren't coming ($$$), so it would have been nice to at least had the ones who are in state come.  My sisters 4 adult kids will all be there and even my niece from Michigan is coming.  I told my 2 younger ones it would be the right thing to do to come to the party, but they don't care.  Makes me sad.  One would think out of respect alone they would come, but I guess I failed to teach them that.  My sister's 2 DDs both followed in my sister's footsteps...married young, became mother's young and my sister is VERY close to both of them.  They all live n the same town.  I envy her relationship with her DDs.  I'm not convinced I will have that kind of relationship with any of my DDs...ever.  But, for today, I look forward to my mother's party and spending 4 days with MY family...which seems to be the only one I have these days as my DDs don't care to BE part of me and mine. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
In reply to: sonyserg
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 11:45pm
Sillysadie, no offence but I think you are puting in your reply your personal story. This are two different grandmothers, with different stories. Just my sense of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 08-10-2013 - 11:55pm
You should have replied "You are right, no cards after 18, but she certainly deserves one at 80" Sorry you are sad and you feel your sister´s DDs will be there with them. Your DD sounds not like a grown adult, and if she doesn´t want to send her for her grandmother, she could send it at least to make you happy.(((huggs)))