Not the other woman

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2012
Not the other woman
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 12:36am

My husband and I have recently split and my male friend "Matt" has been helping me with all sorts of things. He told me what I need to do to get a divorce and custody of my children.


Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 5:59am
I think it's pretty obvious that he has feelings for you or is attracted to you. You may just see him as a great friend you can rely on but he sees you as more than that. I can understand why his wife has a problem with it. All the things he is doing for you - he is essentially playing the role of your husband minus the sex. It's inappropriate for a man to drop whatever he is doing at any time of the day or night and rush over to comfort or help a woman who is not his wife.

And while it's true that he is responsible for his actions, you are not exactly helping the situation. You're encouraging his inappropriate behavior and then holding your hands up as if to say it's not your fault. Sorry but it's time you took some responsibility for your role in this and respected the boundaries of their marriage.

Do you not have any other friends or relatives you can rely on too?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2011
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 7:22am
I agree with the other poster. You are leading him on whether intentional or not. I would think you would feel the same way as his wife is feeling. I know I would be p'od if my husband was jumping through hoops to help another woman. Right now I'm sure it feels good to have his attention, being separated is a lonely experience, but your emotions are raw right now, takes time to see clearly.

Also, I don't know that I would be so quick to take his advice on how to get a divorce or custody, when and if you get divorced should be up to you when you have thought it out, not when your neighbor tells you to do it. (and i realize you didn't say he's pushing you, just a thought) Consult a lawyer, get your options, then think about what it is You want.

Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 10:02am
I suggest you leave him alone. If you are truly a friend you would recognize the issue at hand and step away out of respect for his marriage. Whether he loves you or not isn't important (or shouldn't be) it's how much you love yourself to let him go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2010
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 10:25am

Don’t you have any other friends (or relatives) to ‘lean on’?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sat, 03-24-2012 - 10:58am

You stated "The problem is his wife", no the problem is not his wife, it is you acting in a way that is inappropriate

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sun, 03-25-2012 - 3:55pm

OP, you ARE the Other Woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 1:43am

Well, aren't YOU having fun?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 2:32pm


I think it would be in your best interest to take a step back, and create some space between you and "Matt".

I don't question that your relationship with "Matt" is anything more than platonic.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 2:34am

You can see how she got that idea, right? It sounds like he's at your place a lot doing stuff that your husband did or should have done. And maybe she sees a change in him since all of this started. You may not be the original cause of his wife's upset but you are contributing to it now. And just because you're not interested in him doesn't mean that he's not interested in you...married guy friends shouldn't be telling women how sexy they look.

If you are a friend to HIM then back off and tell him to work on his marriage, not your problems. Join a support group for separated people and/or a babysitting co-op. Figure out how you are going to cope with your problems on your own because Matt needs to be dealing with his problems instead of yours.

How would you even know about what he is looking for, or what she's not giving him? His married sex life is not an appropriate topic for people in your situation(s) so I sure hope that you two are not talking about that. You really ought to imagine yourself in his wife's shoes and think of how you would feel. And realize that neighbors see things and make assumptions, and gossip, and their kids overhear things and spread it at school...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2012
Wed, 03-28-2012 - 9:03pm