Not sure if I over stepped my boundaries...

Avatar for ivlolo29
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Not sure if I over stepped my boundaries...
6
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 10:53am

First, I want to start by saying my dad has had a long history of health problems that had a lot to do with his genetics and lifestyle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 11:33am
I don't blame you one bit for being worried about their financials in the years to come. And concerns about his health problems, and this job he's taken on.

He sounds like a proud man. Hard to get around that with some men.

And I understand his need for a 4-wheel drive if he's going to keep doing this. And all those expenses are taken care of (hopefully) and there will be a much larger profit this next year.

I'm curious what your mother has to say. (I applaud you for finding her a job, but now it's up to her. can't hold that over her head for too long if she's doing a good job.)

It's easy for me to say don't worry so much, huh? But if you don't visit that often, it might be best to at least stay away from the subject of their finances.

I can't say for sure how I'd handle it. That's one thing I don't have to worry about..... my parents lord their wealth around. It's not as worrisome, but it sure is annoying.

What does your mom say? Have you discussed your concerns with her?


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 12:52pm

I would probably handle this much like the way you're handling. He is being fiscally irresponisble and it's affecting your mother. And should he pass on before your mother, she will be left holding the bag. It is selfish on his part to carry on the way he's been. He's 70 and will probably not be able to keep working for long either.

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Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 01-17-2011 - 8:08pm

I don't blame you for being upset and I would probably be reacting the same. I don't know where your parents live or the laws there, but its often not as simple as he suggests, just being material things that don't matter. Like he might be leaving your mom with a bunch of debts that she cannot pay and a lot of worry and problems which would be compounded by grief.

Avatar for ivlolo29
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2003
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 10:39am

For the first response, I just want to make clear that I never have made my mom or dad feel bad that I found a job for my mom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 12:06pm

oh man.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 01-18-2011 - 12:21pm

I think you just have to start bringing up the topic, as gently as possible, with acknowledging that it is uncomfortable. It might take several starts to actually get him able to talk about it...many people don't like to face their mortality, as if ignoring it will make it not happen?! Maybe it would help to privately point out to him that your mom surely cannot deal with selling the house and settling debts etc if he passes first and that he would be taking care of her to start planning ahead now, especially since you don't live nearby. It is a difficult conversation to have but hopefully he will eventually be open to talking about it. I agree that you need to get the POA and wills etc going asap. My mom had some assets and decided to establish a trust so the POA and executor stuff was done at that time, I don't know if it needs to be done with a notary or just a witness? My mother's affairs and belongings were in very good order when she passed away unexpectedly and even without probate it was still a mountain of work, so I definitely recommend getting as much as possible settled in advance.