Oldest dd never happy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Oldest dd never happy
8
Tue, 12-25-2012 - 12:58am

I don't care what I say or do, my oldest dd is never happy with it or me. About a month ago she & I were in Costco, she pointed out something's that she & SIL wanted {SIL needed a new coffee maker, she wanted this colider food basket} well I got them both of those things. Plus she is almost 5 months pregnant with her second baby, baby is due around my bd in May, so I've been getting her baby things got her 1 of those fancy thermamonters that you slide across the forehead} . Last night we had them over for dinner & gift exchange No gift from them for us, hasn't been any in YEARS.  I got my sister a Washington State University sweatshirt, dd yells at me "where's my WSU sweatshirt "? I just don't know what to say or how to react to her anymore. I haven't  confronted her.

~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 1:35pm

<<"You'll get one when I actually receive a Christmas gift from you." How absolutely disgraceful that she did not get her own mother a Christmas gift. Stop being so passive in this relationship and stand up for yourself - she is your daughter, you of all people should be able to address her poor behavior. If she acts like a child, treat her like a child.>>

I had to do this yesterday with DD25 and then set my boundaries.  She has been disrespectful, mean, and vicious for the last 4 years since I've been with dh and I'd had enough.  She let me know she wasn't coming over to my house at Christmas since I hadn't contacted her since Thanksgiving (no she, me...long story) and then yesterday, I went to help her hang curtains in her new apartment, she brought up her Christmas present.  I asked her when she wanted to exchange presents and she said, "What do you mean "exchange"?"  I said, "Well, you said you took your $200 bonus from work and spent it on Christmas presents, so who did you spend it on?"  Her answer, "My co-workers, friends, grandma..." and I said, "Did you buy your father anything?" and she said yes...a little something.  But, she didn't get me anything (for the 2nd year in a row).  Last year, she told me that coming to my house on Christmas Eve WAS my gift.  geez  So...I hung her curtains, set my boundaries with her and left the ball in her court.  She is NOT getting her Christmas present from me and I told her specifically what would need to happen in order for us to have a relationship or I was done.  One of these was respect.  (This was after she told me I was "F-uped in the head" and how she and her sisters all talk s*** about me behind my back.  Oh yes...she is wicked and I've had enough.  I told her when she could treat me with respect, we could have a relationship.  I told her the choice was HERS and she said she'd already made it.  So...I told her not to contact me if she needed anything like car repairs which dh has fixed and paid for, but I told her I loved her as I walked out the door.  I'm seeing more maturity out of my DD21 these days who DID come over on Christmas Eve although she too does not like my dh.  (Long story.)  I told her the day before that I understand her being uncomfortable around him right now, but by not coming over to my house hurt ME.  Obviously she heard me, but DD25 can't it seems.  She also told me I've chosen HIM (dh) over THEM.  THAT comment sounds like something a child would say, doesn't it?  I am back in counseling for the problems I have with my DDs, but I think she needs it, too.  When her father and I divorced 5 years ago, it was she who went through the hardest time...quit college, started drinking, put on weight...never went to counseling at my urging.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 1:35pm

<<"You'll get one when I actually receive a Christmas gift from you." How absolutely disgraceful that she did not get her own mother a Christmas gift. Stop being so passive in this relationship and stand up for yourself - she is your daughter, you of all people should be able to address her poor behavior. If she acts like a child, treat her like a child.>>

I had to do this yesterday with DD25 and then set my boundaries.  She has been disrespectful, mean, and vicious for the last 4 years since I've been with dh and I'd had enough.  She let me know she wasn't coming over to my house at Christmas since I hadn't contacted her since Thanksgiving (no she, me...long story) and then yesterday, I went to help her hang curtains in her new apartment, she brought up her Christmas present.  I asked her when she wanted to exchange presents and she said, "What do you mean "exchange"?"  I said, "Well, you said you took your $200 bonus from work and spent it on Christmas presents, so who did you spend it on?"  Her answer, "My co-workers, friends, grandma..." and I said, "Did you buy your father anything?" and she said yes...a little something.  But, she didn't get me anything (for the 2nd year in a row).  Last year, she told me that coming to my house on Christmas Eve WAS my gift.  geez  So...I hung her curtains, set my boundaries with her and left the ball in her court.  She is NOT getting her Christmas present from me and I told her specifically what would need to happen in order for us to have a relationship or I was done.  One of these was respect.  (This was after she told me I was "F-uped in the head" and how she and her sisters all talk s*** about me behind my back.  Oh yes...she is wicked and I've had enough.  I told her when she could treat me with respect, we could have a relationship.  I told her the choice was HERS and she said she'd already made it.  So...I told her not to contact me if she needed anything like car repairs which dh has fixed and paid for, but I told her I loved her as I walked out the door.  I'm seeing more maturity out of my DD21 these days who DID come over on Christmas Eve although she too does not like my dh.  (Long story.)  I told her the day before that I understand her being uncomfortable around him right now, but by not coming over to my house hurt ME.  Obviously she heard me, but DD25 can't it seems.  She also told me I've chosen HIM (dh) over THEM.  THAT comment sounds like something a child would say, doesn't it?  I am back in counseling for the problems I have with my DDs, but I think she needs it, too.  When her father and I divorced 5 years ago, it was she who went through the hardest time...quit college, started drinking, put on weight...never went to counseling at my urging.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-13-2010
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 1:44pm

  I totally agree with the other posters. Only YOU can decide what to do about your daughter and what kind of relationship you want to have with her.  If it helps, I, too, have a daughter who just doesn' t treat me well...talks to me like I'M the child and SHE'S the mother and says things to me NO child should be allowed to say to a parent.  I honestly think she just doesn't like me much. There's more to this, but, out of my 4 DDs (ages 21-28), SHE'S the one who really pushes my buttons.  I keep trying with her, but she's not changing.  I have talked to her about her rudeness and inconsiderateness to no avail and just decided to accept her the way she is or we would have no relationship at all. I do not enable her or spoil her, but keep trying on our relationship.  She was mad at me, so did not come over at all on Christmas, so her present is still under our tree.  Of course I no longer feel like giving it to her, but I'm sure I will or it will just make things worse.   I only pray she grows up one of these days...

As for Christmas presents, don't feel bad...out of 4 DDs, I only got a present from one (DD27).  This doesn't help my cause as I'm trying to get dh to think better of my DDs (he doesn' t like them BECAUSE of how they have treated me since their father and I divorced 5 years ago), and the fact only one gave me anything (not even a CARD from the other 3), didn't help.  sigh  

God bless all of us weary parents!

 

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 12-28-2012 - 11:18am

Like the others said, you will need to address her attitude for her to change. The way she behaves now works fine for her so she won't see any reason to change until somebody points out that there is a problem. 

Did you say anything to her when she made the sweatshirt comment? Since she is an adult and there were others present I don't think you needed to reprimand her immediately like you would with a young child, but I think you can and should bring up such issues shortly after they occur. And some time when you're with her and things are calm you can ask her why she never gives you a Christmas present. If she gets upset you can tell her that you don't need an answer right now, to think about it and let you know later, but she should know that it hurts your feelings. Basically to just get her thinking about her behavior. She may not improve, and then you have to decide if you want to stop giving things to her. Does her dh seem uncomfortable receiving a gift from you without giving anything in return?

My kids are 29 and almost-27yo and I see how sometimes they revert to acting adolescent when they are with me and dh. As parents of adults I think we have to decide our own boundary of how far we will allow our kids to go, then call them on their behavior. While the hands-on parenting ended years ago, and we want to treat them as adults now, sometimes we do still have to "be the parent". 

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 11:22am

I am a big believer that we teach people how to treat us. If you allow your daughter to get away with this behavior by not pulling her up on it, she will continue to behave that way. When she demanded to know where her sweatshirt was, my response would have been "You'll get one when I actually receive a Christmas gift from you." How absolutely disgraceful that she did not get her own mother a Christmas gift. Stop being so passive in this relationship and stand up for yourself - she is your daughter, you of all people should be able to address her poor behavior. If she acts like a child, treat her like a child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 10:37am

Has your DD been this way since she was a child?  Frankly I can't imagine my kids acting this way to me.  I basically "trained" them that it was important for them to give gifts to other people & not just to expect to receive all the time.  Even though their father & I divorced, when the kids were little we would take them to the store & buy the other parent a gift so that when they got older it was automatic that they were doing it themselves.  I got some nice thoughtful presents from my 17 yr old.  I would not have put up with not getting gifts for years from a grown DD and then she is expecting and demanding things from you--I would definitely mention that it's not acceptable behavior.  I also wonder if you are trying to "buy" her affections--like you think if you buy her everything she wants, then she'll suddenly be nice to you?  Well, the niceness should come automatically because you are her mother.  She should not be yelling at you.  If this is new behavior, do you think she could have post partum depression or some other problems at home?  Still she shouldn't be taking her problems out on you.

Avatar for lizmvr
Community Leader
Registered: 06-06-2001
Wed, 12-26-2012 - 6:08pm

What did you say when she asked where "her" sweatshirt was?  That was an opportunity for you to address her appalling behavior, and I'm thinking you just let it pass.  Your her mother, the one who was supposed to teach her how to act, and it seems you are contributing to your daughter's bad behavior by allowing it to continue and then even rewarding it with gifts, holiday or not.

Yes, at this point she's an adult, but it's really in your best interest to stop allowing her to act this way with you.  When she says something rude, alert her to it and let her know that it's unacceptable.  Make it clear to her that you don't appreciate her negative and entitled attitude.  It would be better to react in the moment than keep a list of all of the times and then "confront" her.  Confrontation really isn't as direct as it is to just say something right after she's done something that upsets you--situations are too easily misremembered if you wait to bring up your feelings about them much in the future.

It will llikely take time for your daughter to change, and I would assume she'll be rebellious and defensive at first; however, as her mom and someone who cares about her, it's better for you to teach her as soon as possible rather than letting this type of behavior continue with you--it's not likely to benefit her to act this way with you or anyone else as she gets older and you don't want grandchildren growing up to be this way either. Be a good example and teacher for her so that she can teach your grandchildren, too; don't feel guilty for addressing these incidents but rather be proud that you're finally standing up for what's right and showing her how to act appropriately.

Good luck!

Liz


Clinical Research Associate


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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Wed, 12-26-2012 - 5:58pm

I guess I know how it feels because I have a DD, like that. What I see is that she might be kind of spoiled and is like a little kid who throws tantrums. She wants to be the one who is always receiving and she is not willing to give back. Let´s face the fact, that you might be contributing to this attitude, by always giving and not receiving. Make some changes in you, and she might change.

Otherwise, if she is not happy let it be her problem. Probably she is not happy in her marriage or she is not feeling well, but you know her better than me.

Anyway, I don´t think that we should tolerate these tantrums in adult kids, but to make those changes might be painful and slow. Spoiled adult kids don´t easily want to accept changes, because they are not willing to lose the power that throwing tantrums have given them.

Be firm and ignore her.