parents at wit's end with boyfriends

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
parents at wit's end with boyfriends
33
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 5:33pm

I wrote about my situation on another messageboard-- to sum it up, I'm on the verge of breaking it off with a boyfriend of several years because he hasn't proposed. I recently found out that my sister, to my surprise, is having a similar issue. She has been with her boyfriend for about two years, the guy has been amazing to her, goes with her to my parents' house all the time, has more or less become a part of the family.... but apparently, based on some comment he made during a family party a few weeks ago that my aunt overheard, he's apparently not that into marriage and thinks it's just a piece of paper. This got back to my parents of course, who are both livid-- particularly my father, who I think feels sort of duped into allowing this guy into his home all these years only to learn he's not interested in marriage. My parents are pretty traditional in the sense that they believe if I guy doesn't propose within a year or two, he's not going to and is just using the girl. Both my sister and I are in our thirties and although we're adults I think our parents still see us as their "problems" until we're married. If this were the 1800s I think my father and male relatives would have ran these two guys out of town with baseball bats for dishonoring the family. I think our parents are starting to feel really bad about the idea that no one including the two guys who have been dating their daughters for years, wants to marry us (despite the fact that we are not bad looking at all, both successful homeowners without issues, both have good jobs, etc).

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 6:07pm

I do see the parents pov to a point and think it is important for parents to let their opinions be known - I think one hearfelt conversation is plenty and then they shoudl shut their mouths.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 01-21-2011 - 7:17pm

So you're saying that you're ready to break up with your bf because your parents are upset that he hasn't proposed? You would be breaking up with him essentially to make your parents happy/stop bugging you about it? Or are you upset about the lack of proposal too? Can you please clarify that?

I think your parents need to butt out. And you need to tell them that you understand their POV and appreciate their concern but

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sat, 01-22-2011 - 3:49pm

As the parents of grown children, I sort of see where your parents are coming from.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
Sat, 01-22-2011 - 5:10pm

Thanks for everyone's feedback. It was great to get the parent's POV as well. I appreciate it. Sadie, I get the sense that's exactly what's going on my parents' mind. I wonder if my parents would have a different take on the situation if they had sons in their 30s instead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sun, 01-23-2011 - 12:59am
I think the important thing is WHAT YOU WANT. If getting mariied is a MUST for you, then you should try to find someone who is willing to. I understand you parent´s point of view, time goes bye and you can´t have it back and as you get older it is harder to get married. But it is your life and for good or bad, you need to make your own choises.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 12:52pm

I think your parents are very old fashioned in the fact that they view you and your sister as their "problems" until you get married. Both of you are homeowners with good jobs. So what if you're over thirty and not married? As far as dumping the bf, I hope you don't dump him because your parents want you to. If the lack of a marriage proposal is deal breaker for you and you want to dump him, that's fine. Every decision you make in your life has to be the best decision for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 2:27pm
Could it be they are concerned about you emtional dependency and not whether you can independently keep youself solvent.

By not marrying, that leaves an easy out when the going gets tough. Who is to say you won't find yourself stranded at a low point and then forced to find that emtional support elsewhere. Sure your parents would be their for you regardless, but more would be expected of them.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 2:47pm
I'm over 30 and not married and WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY, lol.

I am not all that interested in marriage and if it does happen, it will be for the sake of any kids, and it will be a quicky down south in the Carribean or something.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 01-24-2011 - 7:56pm

"For those of you who have sons, have you ever asked them why they're not willing to marry these girls" I don't get the idea that my son is unwilling to marry her, I think that one or both of them is not 100% ready. They certainly seem totally committed to each other and "act" married... but they are both still pursuing education and by the time they are established in careers they will be mid-30s? OTOH my dd is anxious to marry her bf and supposedly they've discussed it but he hasn't proposed yet. She said that the hold up is money, we parents will pay for the wedding but they want a particular expensive honeymoon. I suspect that its about money but not just the cost of the honeymoon. Whatever, I don't want either of my kids getting married until s/he and the partner feel that they have worked out all of their issues to the point they are comfortable and are 100% ready to commit to a marriage. I don't intend to put any pressure on either kid to marry or have children, they'll do it if and when they're ready. Enough marriages end in divorce now that I don't want to contribute to a marriage that shouldn't have happened.

As for Prince William, I have to wonder if the Queen told him to be sure that Kate is the one, no more "Camilla on the side" type of scandals; and everybody wanted to be sure that Kate could handle the media attention, scrutiny, and hard work involved in being a modern princess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2007
Tue, 01-25-2011 - 7:14pm

I may need to give him an ultimatum-- for me, it's not about the ring... if I want a diamond I'll buy myself one.

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