Pay or not to pay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Pay or not to pay?
32
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 9:31pm
This is a long story, but will try to make it short! I have not had a relationship with my mother for many years due to sexual abuse caused by my father and her failure to acknowledge. Fast forward she is in her 70's but in good health, physically. Her sister keeps calling our home asking me to pay for my mother's end of life expenses. Last year I told her we didn't have that kind of money and now the phone calls have started once again. I have tried to ignore her, but she will get one of my children on the phone and start talking to them.

We still cannot afford that kind of expense. I am in the process of looking for a full time job as it is and the taxes on our home are coming due at the end of the month. We are stresses financially.

I haven't spoken to my mother in years. The last time we went and picked her up 1200 miles away and brought her to our home for a visit. My mother has always had a mean streak, but she argued with my dh the entire time and before we drove her back, in front of my children she called me a b$&@&h and a s&&t because I remarried. It was horrifying but not surprising.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? I don't know how to make this lady understand we cannot give her any money!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 1:16pm
Hi Cat! My mother is in an assisted living facility due to dimentia. However, yes she is in very good health for a woman her age. I understand her sister being concerned, but I also have a half brother and half sister. Years ago before I had children, my mother had moved to a knew home and didn't tell her other daughter where she was moving to, and cut off contact with her and the grandchildren. Sooo....I can't see the other daughter helping.

My mother really would only acknowledge my first son, my other two children never received the same treatment.

Sadly we have not had a good relationship.

I am going to send a short letter, hopefully this will put an end to the craziness,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 1:19pm
Yes, she is wanting an elaborate church service, and my mother has never been religious and never attended church.

Thanks so much! I will drop a note in the mail this afternoon.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 06-06-2011 - 2:42am

I am sure I am repeating what someone else has said but I'll say it anyway.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 12:39pm

How nice for her sister to have opinions like not wanting her cremated and expecting $6000 from

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 2:25pm
The only letter I would send is a cease and de-sist. ( I know it is one word but auto correct keeps making it resist)
In your family dynamic this will just be seen as JADE'ing. I speak from experience. It will also open up the door to more bullying and demands. Your aunt wants a $6000.00 funeral? She can pay for it! She can sell her stuff or get a loan. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't make this your problem-unless you are in one of the states that has those laws. I would check that immediately!! You don't have a normal relationship with these people. You have a family now that is your main focus and priorities. Your parents become extended family. In your case it sounds as if a full on cut off may be in order.
We didn't know until years later that one of my s-i-l-s pulled this funeral thing and my f-i-l who was dirt poor had to pay it off for years. And the s I l in question? Never paid a cent on the funeral or the $$ she guilted everyone else into. And guess who literally is a miilionaire? Grief can make you vunerable as can guilt. I can see your aunt trying to guilt you for not" being a good daughter"
don't let these people in your wallet and if you get a bill or phone call tell them call your atty. As you are NOT responsible! Good luck!
anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 4:08pm
Hey, hello. It's always good to "see" you again. I hope you and yours are doing well.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Thu, 06-16-2011 - 4:20pm
Do you really think your family is better because they spent less on funerals than the other side?

How did you know what those other people were saying about your MIL being so poor and wanting to be send off in style? What did you say to them, when they did this at her funeral?

How judgmental they are, and yourself.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 8:48pm
Hi and thanks! So far, I have not heard a peep, but then she tends to go for a few weeks between these phone calls. My ds is 17 and he now knows what she is wanting and thinks I am terrible for leaving grandma high and dry so to speak when her final time comes. He doesn't understand the dynamics, although I have explained to him in detail my childhood, and he himself faced a similar situation. Dh says the kids need to stay out of grown up business, but it seems everyone has an opinion!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 8:53pm
Hi Sadie, yes family can get downright crazy at times! Originally we had offered to pay for a creamation, but my aunt will have none of this for religous reasons. My plan was to put the container? In with my father if this was at all a possibility since the two deserved one another! I know that sounds terrible to say, but she stuck by him through all of it no matter what he did. Anyway, she kept insisting on the grand finale, and my dh and I are not even going to have that done for ourselves! My ex husband claims my mother has a life insurance policy with some money left over, and that my aunt is trying to *scam* me. His memory is much better than mine, but I am going to go with his recollection of the events:)

Thank you so much for your kind words!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Sat, 06-18-2011 - 8:55pm
Hi Arian..It takes all kinds doesn't it? If she attempts to contact me again, I will be doing just as you suggest. I am tired of being harrassed for money we just don't have!

Thanks!