Pay or not to pay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Pay or not to pay?
32
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 9:31pm
This is a long story, but will try to make it short! I have not had a relationship with my mother for many years due to sexual abuse caused by my father and her failure to acknowledge. Fast forward she is in her 70's but in good health, physically. Her sister keeps calling our home asking me to pay for my mother's end of life expenses. Last year I told her we didn't have that kind of money and now the phone calls have started once again. I have tried to ignore her, but she will get one of my children on the phone and start talking to them.

We still cannot afford that kind of expense. I am in the process of looking for a full time job as it is and the taxes on our home are coming due at the end of the month. We are stresses financially.

I haven't spoken to my mother in years. The last time we went and picked her up 1200 miles away and brought her to our home for a visit. My mother has always had a mean streak, but she argued with my dh the entire time and before we drove her back, in front of my children she called me a b$&@&h and a s&&t because I remarried. It was horrifying but not surprising.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? I don't know how to make this lady understand we cannot give her any money!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 10:00am
I'm sorry your great aunt is pressuring you. Perhaps it is time to block her number, if she is not willing to listen.

Your Mom's final costs should be covered by social security. Albeit, it is minimal, that money is available to her.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 2:15pm

Social Security only pays $255.00 for death benifits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 2:24pm
Wow....talk about persistent!!!!! I'd just stop answering it...and tell the kids to stop answering her calls too!!!


Ai-yi-yi!!! How many times do you have to tell this lady before she gets it?! You can't do it & no amount of pressuring from family is going to make the money magically appear in your account!! I'm sorry she's not listening.... Good luck!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 5:49pm

Your subject line poses the question "Pay or not pay?"

Don't pay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 8:08pm
I would contribute some but not all. But we are so strapped for cash at this I am worried about paying the taxed due on our home. We just don't have extra money set aside. I may have to write her a letter! We have tried to be kind and for many years my mother had and paid for a life insurance policy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 8:17pm
Ai yi yi indeed! She is very persistent! Before all of this she never contacted for anything else, and I hadn't spoken to her since I was a teen and at one time we lived in the town and we were never close. I resent her making these calls out of the blue demanding all of that money! $6000 is a lot!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 8:25pm
They are in a different state, but even there in that small town we are looking at $6000, so you are correct funerals are very expensive! Yes I have issues with my mother, but when it comes down to it, we don't have it right now and her sister doesn't want her cremated. Which is less, I am just tired and frustrated with the entire situation.

Thanks for listening!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 06-01-2011 - 8:29pm
Thanks! I am seriously considering it! The last time she called, I didn't call her back. I am thinking of writing her a nice letter, hopefully she read and understand our financial situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2008
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 3:57am
Don't get me wrong..she's worried abt her sister & I get that. But to come knocking on your door, asking you for a $6000 hand-out now?! Seriously, what did she expect???


I think writing her a short note is a fine idea. Just a lil something to explain that now is not a good time...I wouldn't give details or anything but just spell it out so that she gets the hint...while you'd love to be in a position to help mom out, that's just not possible.

GOOD LUCK!!! Keep us posted....let us know what happens after your letter!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Thu, 06-02-2011 - 4:50am

So if you had the money, you'd pay it? On top of everything else, you'd pay it without your mother even asking for it? But through a third person? How manipulative she must be. Because don't you think she's behind your aunt's calls? Don't you think it odd that she's in good physical health but yet wants death money? I don't buy it.

You don't owe her anything. You haven't had a relationship in years. And for good reason.

She made her bed, she can lie in it.

Edited for typo.

 

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