Pay or not to pay?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Pay or not to pay?
32
Tue, 05-31-2011 - 9:31pm
This is a long story, but will try to make it short! I have not had a relationship with my mother for many years due to sexual abuse caused by my father and her failure to acknowledge. Fast forward she is in her 70's but in good health, physically. Her sister keeps calling our home asking me to pay for my mother's end of life expenses. Last year I told her we didn't have that kind of money and now the phone calls have started once again. I have tried to ignore her, but she will get one of my children on the phone and start talking to them.

We still cannot afford that kind of expense. I am in the process of looking for a full time job as it is and the taxes on our home are coming due at the end of the month. We are stresses financially.

I haven't spoken to my mother in years. The last time we went and picked her up 1200 miles away and brought her to our home for a visit. My mother has always had a mean streak, but she argued with my dh the entire time and before we drove her back, in front of my children she called me a b$&@&h and a s&&t because I remarried. It was horrifying but not surprising.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? I don't know how to make this lady understand we cannot give her any money!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 06-29-2011 - 7:56pm
Hi Keeping...Yes, my aunt is aware of the abuse and even called our home at 6 in the morning one time, of course we didn't pick up the phone, and proceeded to leave a message detailing her own story of *abuse* growing up. In an attempt to relate to me, I suppose. I never called her back that time and that was over a year ago, but yet she still called! Some people just don't get it! Simply because we work doesn't mean we have any money!!! Colorado is much more expensive than the small town they live in Kansas! My mother in law has been more of a mother to me, and she has been such a blessing. Thank you for understanding and the words of support!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Sat, 06-25-2011 - 10:36am

She will understand when you don't give them the money. You can't give what you don't have and if your aunt is so worried then let her put up the money. If you had a different relationship with your mom you probably would have tried to make the effort to help out. But she was never there for you and is still being mean and nasty which shows she has not changed. She is almost a stranger to you and I would not put myself out to help her either. I would be firm and say you calling me is not going to make me have money I don't, so don't call here any more thinking you can bully me into giving you something I don't have. People think just because someone is your mother that you owe them, but don't consider that sometimes there is only a blood connection and that that person is not really your mother in the real sense of the word. She was not loving, caring or there for you when

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 8:38pm
Hi Sadie, this is truly how I feel! My mother did nothing, but after my father died, broached the subject with me at the age of 15, when it was fruitless to do anything about it. But you know I hear that all the time and it seems to be the norm in many families to care for aging parents, either in their own, the childs home, or whatever the case may be, but take care of mom and dad! My mother in law did until she was physically unable to etc. However, I feel more the way you do, and especially since the way I grew up with my alcoholic father etc.

I also don't want my children to feel obligated to care for me either or to be a burden, because as much as they love me, I will be to a certain point if they are forced to care for me when I am old. My mother in law was worn out physically and emotionally from caring for her parents.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Thu, 06-23-2011 - 6:53pm

As the mother of grown children, I am curious as to why you think a grown child owes their parents a roof over their head and food in their stomachs?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 06-22-2011 - 7:40pm
Hi srp...yes she is cared for and does have a roof over her head and food, medical care etc. I even looked up the facility online to see if it was a nicer one, since sometimes nursing homes can have low quality of care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2010
Wed, 06-22-2011 - 7:38pm
Hi elc11,,this would be my aunt..she is the one who put my mother into a nursing home and contacted me a few years later to let me know she was actually in a facility, never at the time of placement. It is my aunt who is listed at this time, and I have never been contacted by mail or phone by the facility that my mother is at. My aunt actually first tried to get us to commit to a payment plan which we couldn't afford and now is hoping we will just pay up when the time comes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2011
Wed, 06-22-2011 - 6:20pm

The only thing you owe her is make certain she has a roof over her head and food in her tummy.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 06-20-2011 - 6:49pm

Just wondering, who is listed as your mother's next of kin or who has Power of Attorney? Shouldn't that person be the one handling this issue? And is your aunt correct that your mom cannot be cremated for religious reasons?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 06-20-2011 - 1:19am

Sorry for your loss, cat!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Sun, 06-19-2011 - 11:12pm
I want to be cremated and thrown in the stock tank out back with my fish, Monster!

I don't see a problem with people spending any amount of money they want for their funeral... as long as they can afford it on their own, that is.

Sorry if I was being bitchy. Just buried a family member a few days ago.

 

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