personal life under family eye

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
personal life under family eye
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 4:39pm
It recently came to my attention that a few people in my family are upset with the fact that I sleep over my boyfriend's place. They are very conservative Christian and believe that a young woman should not be visiting a man's place for the evening unless they are MARRIED. Apparently, they are "disappointed" with my choice to do this and it becomes a topic of conversation when I'm not around. I'm in my late-twenties and as far as I'm concerned, this is my business, not my grandmother's, aunt's, mother's, father's... I'm not a 14-year-old who has to have permission to date. It's especially difficult because I live at home and can't move out yet. Even my 84 year old grandmother tried to approach the topic with me, saying that my mother talks about this because in their day women did no such thing. It's humiliating to have her mention this to me. Any advice on how I should handle this? I feel like they're just waiting for me to come home knocked up. Just to let you know what I'm dealing with, a neighbor's son's fiancee gave birth two months before their wedding and to my family, this was just soooooo shameful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 5:21pm
If you are in your late 20's, why can't you move out? If you are living at home rent free, then you pretty much have to take it. If you are paying rent, then move. That is the only answer.

You will not change them. You are "throwing it in their faces" so to speak and they dissaprove.

Either move out or live with it.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store:
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2003
Mon, 05-19-2003 - 6:54pm
while it seems that it shouldnt be their business, you are living under your parents roof. which means you live by their rules, and you staying at your boyfriends house makes it their business. no matter how old you are. its just the way it is. the only thing you can do is move out, or else you unfortunately have no room for complaint. if you cant move out right now, just deal with it until you can get a place of your own, and then feel free to enjoy the freedoms of living on your own.

good luck!


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Tue, 05-20-2003 - 9:21am
Where there's a will, there's a way. Move out. Is there anyone you know looking for a roommate? Look in the apartment ads. Take a crappy studio if you have to but the only way you can solve this problem is by moving out. Hope it all works out for you.

Good luck.
Avatar for tykwondosha
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 12:02pm
Moving out won't solve the problem. I moved out and any suspicion of sexual activity sends my mother running for the holy water.

Miserable in Maryland

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-23-2003 - 1:27pm
At least if you aren't living with your family, there will be some space. They wont know when you come and go, you can screen your calls, if they drop by unannounced you don't have to let them in... Basically you can construct some boundaries and lead your life the way you choose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 5:02pm

Sometimes telling family to mind their own business is touchy!

You said you recently discovered that they were unhappy or disappointed in your decision but you've grown up around them, and knew how they would feel, right? Really you only recently discovered that they were having open conversations about it to you and behind your back. Here's what I suggest:

First, realize that you are living under their roof, so you do have to live by their rules. They aren't running a shelter! So first of all, respect that and be willing to make some sacrifices with the time you choose to spend with your "friend".

Then I would have to deal with the "nosieness issue" with your family. Calmly explain to them that while you love them and value their opinions, that you do know how they feel about this; and it is still your decision what you do with your life. Inform them that you don't go around talking about their sex lives and you expect the same courtesy from them. There is a way to do this politley. Being a religous family, you can ask them if it is not also a sin to gossip or judge others. Remind them that you are an adult now and that there are parts of your life that are private and you'd appreciate them not speaking about your private life again. Tell them that although you realize they may be trying to save you from making some mistakes, that you appreciate their effort but that sometimes we have to go through some mistakes in order to learn a lesson. Let them know that, as an adult you are making your decisions in life aware that there could be reprecussions to some of them, but that it's still your decision.

Finally, do what you can as soon as you can to get yourself independant from your family. It takes lots of work and sacrifice but you can do it.

Ultimatley, you can't change their behaviour anymore than they can change yours. they have the right to say what they want to and you have a right to do what you want to. It's possible though that they may respond well to your being mature enough to have such an adult approach to handling a problem.

Good Luck to you!


Charmrainbow butterfly
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2003
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 1:56am

Are you still living at home? If you are, Id suggest maybe its time to leave the nest so to speak. Can you move in with him together since you obviously love and cherish him?? or move in with a different roomate and still sleep at his place some nites.? Some families react differently to this, Ive been living with my boyfriend for the last 3 years and while my family adore him and see nothing wrong with the living arrangement, his family,is against it and has never even once said even a hello to me. My suggestion is just to move out as soon as you can. You cant change them and shouldnt have to go out of your wya to please them, you need to do whats right for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sun, 06-08-2003 - 9:16am
I feel sorta hypocritical saying this but in my opinion if you live with your family you probably should respect their wishes on stuff like that. I am only 18 and live with my family and they don't have a problem with people sleeping together before marriage but as for me it's a little different because I'm so young and all, however I did sleep with my ex bf and my mom knew, I am also on birth control of course. I haven't slept with anyone since then and don't plan to until I'm in a serious relationship again (I was with him for 2 years) but I know it wouldn't go over well at my age if I stayed out all night because my parents would worry! And I know you're a lot older but still I don't think it would change that much just because of getting older, I don't think it would even be that different in your situation if you were over 30! Because of your family's beliefs. I don't mean to sound like I'm not on your side but I think it is a little bit much for you to live with them and expect them to see it your way, I think once you move out things could be different though, when you aren't under their roof anymore if they have a problem with it then that's for them to get over. I think if I was a really Christian person and my 20+ daughter lived with me and did that I would freak out too just because it would go against my beliefs. SOrry if this isnt what you hoped for but it's just my opinion.