Pregnant and feeling slighted and used by family/friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Pregnant and feeling slighted and used by family/friends
10
Tue, 06-21-2011 - 12:45am
We are expecting our third child at the end of this month, and have twin 3-year-olds. I have been rather disappointed in the support from our family and friends this pregnancy, particularly by:

1) My supposed BFF, to whom I have loaned all my baby clothes to and never asked for a penny for shipping them, even though it has now been over $100. I am now having the same gender as she had, and there has been NO offer to lend me her clothes, nor to ship mine back, even though mine are winter clothes and hers are summer (having the baby next month). I also threw a 2nd baby shower for her last year, a very nice catered affair complete with designer cake, which NONE of her friends so much as stayed to help clean up.

2) I loaned countless pieces of baby equipment to a cousin, who returned them dirty and in disrepair. Lesson learned there. She is having a boy this time, and I am having a girl. There has been NO offer to borrrow any off her girl clothing or items. And my sister said she was upset that I had asked for my stuff back, when she k ew it was only a loan.

3) My sisters -- I have attended or hosted so many birthday parties, graduation parties for their kids, baby showers, 2nd and 3rd baby showers, wedding showers. Do you think anyone thought of hosting a diaper shower for our new baby? No. But we all attended the above cousin's last week. I felt slighted and humiliated, considering cousin and I are due a week apart. And then my one sister says "Oh, we should have done something for you...". Hmmm, ya think?

I know I am having a pity party, and that I can't make anyone do anything they aren't going to do. I guess I just feel used in that it's great for me to do things for other people, but when I need support, no one has my back. Part of the issue is that I live 8 hours away now, but still. It's like everyone forgets about me. I guess maybe I should just start keeping to myself a little more? Anyhow, thanks for letting me vent!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007

One life lesson I've learned, when you loan something out, you never get it back and if you do, it's not the same condition as when you loaned it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008

Hi sable,

I am so interested in reading other responses to your post, because if you change the details, the circumstances are the same:

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002

Congrats on your newest child!

I learned a while back that distance does indeed put a crimp in how things are handled family wise.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
Thanks everyone. I know I should be able to give and not expect things in return. I know this. However, I just thought it was the culture of family and close friends to help each other out. That's what I did. And I think it is only fair to expect the same thing in return. We don't NEED help, and are financially able to meet all our family's needs. It is just the symbolism in it all. In my family, for about the last 10 years, every baby has been celebrated no matter the birth order. We usually do a "diaper derby" or a "pamper party" for subsequent babies of the same gender. My point is that I have thrown a total of 3 of these at my total expense, and contributed to many more, and now our new baby isn't going to get one? She would be the ONLY baby NOT to have one in the last 10 years (out of about 8 babies).

And to top it all off, my " best friend" that I threw one for last year has been very scarce about returning my calls and texts, which kinda makes me feel like she is avoiding me. When someone sends you a box of clothes that took time, money and effort to send, should it be acceptable that I have to call to make sure she got it? Then she texts me 2 days later "got them, thanks". Sigh.

The bright side is, I am now out of having to do this for anyone else ever again, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2008

We don't NEED help, and are financially able to meet all our family's needs. It is just the symbolism in it all.

Exactly.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2006
I'm too chicken to ask. It just has to be the distance thing. I haven't done anything to anybody, haven't forgotten anyone's birthday, haven't insulted anyone. I just live far away now, and I really think it was an oversight because I'm not part of everyday life anymore. When your sister looks at you surprised (at the cousin's shower, no less) and exclaims "We should have done something for you!", you start to feel a little forgotten. Which I still don't understand, because SHE was the one who told everybody on that side I was pregnant before I had a chance, and she was aware that I was coming into town. Whatever. She turns 40 this year. Hope she has fun planning that on her own.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998

You don't necessarily need to keep to yourself more, but maybe you could find new friends with values and manners more similar to your own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2010

Hi Congrats for your new baby and hope its all great.

I know this

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2011

Time to put the foot down, with these ingrates you call friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
I'm sorry you aren't getting the attention you need right now from your friends and family. Hubby was in the Army for 20 years, so we were always far away from siblings and parents. We didn't get any of the recognition for special events that our siblings and their kids got. Big gifts were purchased for the other grandchildren while my kids got a card with $5 to $10 in it because it was "too expensive to mail" an actual gift.

So we made an effort to create our own family wherever we moved...choosing people to be "family" instead of hoping our children's real aunts and uncles and grandparents were going to "play fair". We gave showers and parties for our created family and they were reciprocated. We just let it go that our family didn't do it. There are enough headaches in life and trying to figure out unfairness is just enough headache producer. Enjoy your husband and kids and new friends and don't let carelessness by your family detract from this wonderful time of your life.