Probably a silly complaint but

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Probably a silly complaint but
5
Sat, 06-14-2003 - 2:42pm
last night i talked to my cousin. She is a nice girl, has a baby who is 22months old and a boyfriend. Im not really into kids as can be witnessed by the fact i hang out on the Childfree by Choice board so i braced myself for a kid centered conversation. Actually it wasnt bad she did better this time about not spending the whole time talking about the baby and i even talked to the little girl on the phone. She seems very sweet.

The problem is her boyfriend. I think i may have complained about him before. He doesnt work, doesnt take care of the baby, piles trash in the driveway, etc. I havent seen this as they live in Ohio but my cousin has told me this as have my aunts. Well everytime i call long distance from Germany he doesnt let her talk. We will start talking and he will holler, "hey wheres the remote" she tells him. Then we start and he will yell "hey did you buy beer". She tellls him. We start and he yells, "the baby has a poopy diaper" and so i hang on while she trys to talk and clean up the baby. Then he calls out "Hey where is my blue shirt" and she answers. Anyway i feel like i spend €6,00 for listening to her domestic life. She says she goes out with her friends but sometimes i wonder especailly since he wont watch the baby so it has to go everywhere with her. Maybe im reading too much into this but I think he could be abusive. The problem is we never can talk about it because he will interupt.

What do you guys think? I should be concerned about her or am i over reacting?


PS This isnt an isolated incident that he decide to ask for something every two minutes. He does this everytime i call and he doesnt know its me on the phone because she answered.


Edited 6/14/2003 3:26:12 PM ET by tikalme420awaken

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sat, 06-14-2003 - 10:48pm
This might sound really bad. But I don't think there is really anything you can do. I mean, that is TERRIBLE if your cousin's boyfriend abuses her, I really hope he doesn't, but if she is letting him live there and be involved in her life and the kids life and he provides nothing and never helps out, etc, that is her problem. She needs to change some things if she isn't happy. I think it's great you care about her, but personally I wouldn't get too involved because most women in a bad relationship (abusive OR just plain bad) will stay until they are good and ready to leave. I don't know a lot about it but I've seen a few cases and I think when other people get involved it's just more of a mess. I must say I do feel bad for your cousin tho! And for YOU since you make international phone calls just to listen to them bicker and hear about the bayyyyy-bee.

Good luck! Rhiannon

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 06-14-2003 - 10:49pm
Not really any insight on your complaint but... I remember when I first married. My husband always did stuff like that while I was on the phone. I guess he just didn't like sharing my time. I have friends who say the same thing about their husbands. Even today (married 13 years) he still tries to get in on my conversations. But mostly he prefers me to make my phone calls when he is not around. So that I can be with him while he is home. Maybe people think that it is odd or something but he just loves to be with me and the kids. He isn't a tyrant about it. I mostly laugh at him and throw things at him when he won't let me talk in peace.

So it may be something like that or it could be a problem as well. It is a warning sign. Just keep talking and maybe try calling her when he would be working. It is great of you to be concerned.

Melissa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 8:13am
Thanks Rhiannon

I never say anything bad about the boyfriend and always ask how he is doing. I dont want to say something bad about him then have her get mad at me. I figure that she knows she can do better im just waiting for her to wise up, get a job and kick the bum to the curb. I dont think that will be for sometime. I know she seems comfortable how it is but the things she says off handedly make me wonder about how he treats her.

I did say to her last night, "tell him its long distance" and she said "It wont matter he always does this." Great! The rates are cheaper to call her there than for her to call Germany but still you think that he could hold off on his questions for a few minutes.

I just need to let it go but i bothers me to see her, a woman with so much potential, waste it. Frustrating to say the least.

Thanks for your kind words :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 06-15-2003 - 8:18am
Thanks Melissa,

I would think its because he missed her during the day while working if he actually worked, but he doesnt. At least not everyday and from what i understand not very often at all. Like i just wrote to Rhiannon, when i told her to tell him it was long distance she said it wouldnt matter because he always does that.

I also call during the day, usually anywhere between 10am and 4pm due to the 6hour difference and yep he is always there. I could understand if it was just this one time and he had those questions but really its everytime.

I guess ill just call more often (when i can afford it) and let her know that im available should she need to talk about him or anything else. Its pretty much all i can do from here.

Thanks for listening :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 3:38pm
Your cousins relationship sounds just like my parents.

He refused to watch me and my brother so she was never able to accomplish anything like learning how to drive or going to school to learn English or learn at home because she never had time to herself. Any friends she had, she lost because my father would be rude and insulting to them when they came over.

My father was a slob and my mother would spend all day picking up after him (even though she worked the same 8-10 hour days at their store).

He would yell at her (and us) all the time. He doesn't know how to speak. Even when he is not upset he is yelling (which I have unfortunately have inherited - I am working on it). He always puts her down and calls her stupid. Any question she asks he either tells her not to worry about it in a rude tone, or yells at her about why she doesn't know.

When shes on the phone he wants to know who is on it, what they want, and with out even being told the whole story he starts yelling out what he wants to say and won't let anyone especially my mother get a word in.

My mother would also yell at him all the time. There were fights everyday about the dirty stove, the clothes under the kitchen table, the things he hadn't fixed. Not to mention the fights over how he treated her. These fights were horrible. One time my uncle who lived next door actually thought my Dad was hitting my Mom because of how violent it sounded (this one was over the stove). I never saw any of that (not that I am not sure it didn't happen). But she always stayed. When I got older I begged her to leave but she just insisted there was no where to go.

Unfortunately, there will be nothing you can do about this. She will continue to take it and deal with it until she decides she can do it no longer. My mother still takes it now from both my brother and father. It is crazy but it is what she wants so I don't let my self get too upset about it. In the end it is her decision to change her life and she doesn't seem to really want to do that.

I know some posters said this could just be harmless, thoughtless husband behavior. It could be that I am just jaded, but I think this behavior is ridiculous and the beginnings of a controlling relationship. I hope your cousin realizes what she is dealing with soon.

Denise.