Problem with my brother

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Problem with my brother
Tue, 04-08-2003 - 11:11am
I am new here, but I am also very hurt and frustrated, so please don't judge me by the tone of this post: My brother and I are both married with 2 kids each. He and I used to be very close, I was even the Maid of Honor at his wedding, so I was close to his wife as well. Lately, (past year and a hlf or so), things have been very tense. What bothers me is that I know that if I ask them why we have drifted, that I will not be getting an honest answer. It seems that every time we have a birthday or holiday in my family (meaning my husband nand my two girls), we invite everyone-both sets of parents, both my husbands brother and his family, and my two brothers, one single, and the one I am writing about. (This is a huge family). Without fail, my married brother will come up with a LAME excuse why they cannot make it. Sometimes they don't even call back. Now here is the kicker: Both of my brothers kids are 3 years apart, but are born on the same date. My youngest daughter is also born on that date. I believe that they are actually upset that I had my daughter on that day. (Like I could help it!!) I think it's neat, but that definitely isn't the vibe I get from them. Help me with this situation, please! My entire family lives very close together, and it is very hard on my and my parents emotionally to go thru this. Thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 8:23am
Do you think your brother and/OR his wife might be thinking that you are asking for more attention to your youngest DD's birthday than for their two children, all born on the same day? To see it from his viewpoint, would be kinda strange to go celebrate your DD's birthday on his own childrens' birthday when he should be celebrating with them. Just a thought...

We have the same situation in my DH's family - his father, his brother, and his son (adult) - all born on the same day (Oct. 15), and a sister and nephew within the same week. (January must be a very romantic month for this family ;) Our solution: We have a birthday party for all five of them - order one cake, with all their names, and make it a family party - kinda like Christmas in October. Works for us, and no one's feelings are hurt that one got more attention than another. The nephew (will be 14 this year) is treated to separate birthday party at home, with his parents and his mother's family. He thinks he is soooo lucky - TWO birthday parties every year! (sometimes three, if he has a party with his friends).

As for the distance that has grown between you and your brother, sounds to me like this is a normal result of getting married, having kids, pursuing careers, worrying about mortgages, etc... Priorities have changed for him, if not for you, and lifestyles have changed. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, he's just busy with his own life and family. Too bad he's so focused on them that he's hurting his parents and sister. Or, maybe his wife is not so comfortable with all the family closeness... I dunno.

Have you asked your sister-in-law about the drifting apart? Maybe she would be more likely to give you an honest answer?

I hope you can work it all out - best of luck to you.



Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 8:38pm
I agree with msfit. People change as we get older and we all seem to drift apart sooner or later. I would definitely sit down and talk to my SIL and see if she could offer up some explanation? Maybe he feels like the get togethers are too much? Or maybe he wants to do something with his little family instead of the extended ones? I know for me and DH we are content to be us and no one else around certain holidays. Just give him some time and try not to press him too hard about it. I would however really talk to him and see what is going on.

I also wanted to say welcome to the board. We hope you can find to stop in and post. We would love to have you here!! Please feel free to jump in and share your posts. Hope to see you soon. Again let us know what your brother says about this. Until then~~~~~Michelle