Problems with dad

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Problems with dad
4
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 10:54am
Ok, I'm not entirely sure what the purpose of this post is... maybe to vent a little, maybe asking for a little advice. I'm just so fed up I'm not sure what to do!

A little background... my dad has always been, well, for lack of a better word, a jerk. He's the type who believes his word is law and anytime anyone dares to offer an opinion that differs from his, he shuts them out and refuses to listen. He's also an alcoholic although, after an arrest, he's been sober for the past month.

Also, here's a little background on my romantic situation. At the end of May of this year, my relationship with my fiance of three years (who I'd been living with) ended. He broke up with me but honestly, I had been emotionally absent from the relationship for a rather long time. I no longer loved him but was afraid to take the big step of ending the relationship and being forced out on my own. So, we broke up, I moved back closer to my family and just before the move, met a wonderful man, C. C and I started dating around the beginning of June and have gotten closer and more serious since. At present, we're rather serious about each other, we've both declared our love for each other and have started introducing each other to our families. C and I are so well suited for each other. Honestly, I never would have believed that there was someone in the world like C if I hadn't met him in person. He's kind, funny, charming, sexy, intelligent, witty, loyal, he owns his own house, has a good job... he's just incredible. I feel so good when I'm with him and he treats me like a princess. When we first started dating and we talked about what we want in a relationship, we both agreed that we wanted someone who wanted to be involved in our lives and our families, which was something that my fiance never wanted (my nephew, whom I adore, was 9 months old when my fiance and I broke up and he'd never even attempted to meet him). So, all this sounds great, right?

Well, C is divorced and has a 10 year old daughter (who I've met and get along with) and because of this, my dad has decided that C is not allowed at my dad's house and that he doesn't want C anywhere near him. My dad claims that I 'can do better' and that I don't need a man with so much 'baggage'. I've tried talking to my dad but he won't listen, just keeps saying that there are hundreds of other guys out there who aren't divorced and who dont' have a kid and that I should be dating one of them. To make matters worse, my nephew's first birthday is tomorrow and the party is being held at my parents' house and C wants to go but I don't dare bring him around my dad. C doesn't know about my dad's problems with him and I don't know what to tell him.

Anyone have any idea how to handle this?

Thanks!

~Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Fri, 09-19-2003 - 2:04pm
You should tell C about your father's feelings on the subject, but also explain to him how your father is. Explain to him that it isnt his fault and that your father seems to be narrow minded. Maybe if your dad knew how C treats you, he wouldnt be so harsh, although it doesnt sound to me (from his descripton) that he will take kindly.

Ask your dad "Would you rather me date a guy with no children that treated me like dirt, or a man with a child that treats me like gold?"

The only point your father made that seemed relvant was the "baggage" comment. When you marry/date a man with a past (ex wife and children), some things can be obstacles in your relationship. As long as you get along with everyone, it shouldnt be a problem. The only reason I can say that is b/c I was in a similar situation. Maybe your father is trying to "protect" you in his own little way (however much of a jerk he is.) Just a thought! Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Tue, 09-23-2003 - 12:03pm
Thanks for your response! :)

Well, I went to my nephew's party by myself after telling C that I was having issues with my father (didn't go into detail) and that I would not be staying at the party long so it really did not make sense for C to come with me (C and I live an hour and a half apart). He accepted this and then on Sunday, we spent the day at his parents's house with his daughter and after we'd dropped his daughter off at her mom's, we started talking and for some reason, it just seemed like the right moment to tell him the whole truth.

Basically, C said that he can understand part of my dad's reasoning and mentioned the fact that I had waited in the car while he took his daughter upstairs because I felt it would be awkward for me to meet the ex. He then went on to say that he loves me and that while he hopes this is just a temporary problem, if this is what we have to deal with in our relationship, then we'll deal with it. He said he will follow my lead on this.

So, while I'm very much relieved that C took it so well, I'm very anxious for my father to come around (if he ever will) and at least agree to meet C. I've told my dad that C treats me better than any man I've ever been with and his response was, "Well, that's good for you because you're the one who has to deal with him... I don't have to be around him." I guess I should just wait to see how this plays out. :-(

~Kimberly

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 09-24-2003 - 10:29pm

Sounds like you have a keeper.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 1:35pm
Well thats good, for the most part. And C is right - if there are going to be issues, you will work them out together. Your dad is going to have to accept him one way or another eventually, especially if you are planning on marrying him. C sounds like a great guy - good luck to the both of you. Keep me updated on that. Later!