QOTW...What is the biggest.....

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
QOTW...What is the biggest.....
7
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 8:13am
guilt trip that your family has laid at your feet? Did you give in and do what they wanted? Did you say "NO" not this time and put your foot dow? How did they handle your decision?

As for me the biggest guilt trip my family has ever given me(not including DH little guilt trips to get his way LOL) is my family trying to get us to come home to visit them. Always, always when DH gets leave they say when are you coming down? They don't ask oh what are you all doing for you vacation this year it is when are you coming to see us? They make me feel bad by saying we never get to see our grandson and such and such. Or they need our help with something so we are supposed to give up our time to go see them, but then they call and say oh we are all going to the Lake, beach or amusement park for our vacation. This is always after we have taken our time and went to see them. Well this past time they went on and on about us coming for a week well we said NO and they went into the pity stories. On how oh we wanted to see you all but if you want to stay we understand. It sure did feel good to tell them NO.

So how about you and your families guilt trips they give you? I hope you all have a great week. We are heading out to enjoy this gorgeous day as soon as I can get myself motivated to get ready!! Have a good one ~~~~Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 8:04pm
My family isn't big on guilt trips, so this is a hard one to answer - generally, we all get along very well. But there was one - recently - that had us all in an uproar and my sister and I in tears. Still fresh and still painful, but here it is...

My father died on Christmas Eve this winter, in my sister's home. It's a long story, but the short version is that my sister and I rescued him from an abusive marriage (his choice to leave his wife of 36 yrs) and did our best to protect him from further abuse. Over the next six months, we watched his health plummet and watched him give up on life. In preparation, we helped him fill out a funeral planner, in which he stated he wanted to be cremated and ashes buried at a military cemetery.

Anyway, when the time came for funeral arrangements, his estranged wife attempted legal action to stop the cremation - she was extremely upset and insisted he had always wanted to be buried in the family plot. She begged us to reconsider. The question arose: Go forward with cremation plans and risk her taking legal action that would stop all funeral arrangements and leave his body to *rot* while the attorneys duked it out, or find a compromise so the funeral could go forward peacefully and my father's body laid to rest???

My brothers and sister laid the hugest guilt trip on me - they wanted to go ahead, no matter what the risk or cost, to grant our father his dying wishes. I wanted a compromise to ease my father's wife's pain and prevent a legal charade through court over a dead man's body, which I believed my father would not want. I had even managed to get my step-mother to agree to pay for the funeral and burial.

Anyway, my step-mother had a very crafty attorney who managed to convince her that my siblings and I had every legal right to cremate his body (we didn't) and there was nothing she could do to stop us (she could have stopped everything with one word). at 4:30 pm on the day before the funeral, she relented and her attorney promised not to pursue legal action. My father's body was cremated according to his wishes.

My siblings still have not forgiven me for this almost "betrayal" - they accuse me of being weak. It still hurts. And I miss my Dad.

Msfit

                  &nbs

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 04-02-2003 - 9:23pm
I am so sorry that you just had to relive a pain that is still so fresh to you. Seeking peace is never a sign of weakness. But of a much greater strength. I hope that as time passes you will be able to relive the happy memories that you have of your dad. And you and your family can come together in peace and remember the person that he was and the life that he lived.

Blessing to you,

Melissa

Avatar for tinderdoc
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 04-03-2003 - 12:55pm
We don't have a washer/dryer in our apt, so almost every saturday, I drive 20 min to my mom's house to do laundry and catch up on the past week (we don't see each other except on saturday and sometimes sunday due to our schedules). It's become so routine that if I miss a saturday, she'll call or page me at the time I'm usually there. She's not calling to lay a guilt trip on me or anything. She's just checking to make sure I'm ok and to see if I'm coming over that day. But it always makes me feel guilty that I'm not spending that usual time with her that seems to have become our 'quality' time.
Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-04-2003 - 8:55am
I can feel your pain about the no w/d. We have ours in our storage building b/c this crazy plac ehas no hook-ups. So off to the laundry room I go(actually going today). You shouldn't feel guilty about not going one day. It seems like you keep a pretty regular schedule so you shouldn't feel bad. I know it can be hard when they start calling looking for ya. Have a great Friday~~~Michelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 9:49pm
My gosh, I don't know where to begin.

With my first marriage, I didn't have a wedding because my Mom couldn't be there(long story) so, because she couldn't be there, no one else could enjoy the day. At one point, she asked me to choose between my X (then H) and her. During my entire first marriage, she was afraid that my MIL would replace her, so, I didn't even try to get close to my MIL. When I began seeing DH, Mom demanded to know if we were having sex. She had a right to know because she told me everything whether I wanted to hear it or not. When it became clear that the guilt thing didn't work on me anymore, she began to use it on my kids. Mom constantly tries to make my kids feel guilty that they are more fond of my Dad than of her. When we go see DH's family, Mom makes sure that she lets the kids know that SHE is their grandma.

These are just a few of the highlights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 11:55pm
my SO's mother was babysitting Jordan while we worked and at first i thought it'd be a good idea but i soon realized it wasn't and for awhile it was a horrible experience. at first she told me that anything i wanted done just to tell her and she'd do it the way i liked and follow a routine that we did at home but soon after she change her mind and said when he was at her house she would do things her way. my boyfriend is very close to his mother and it created problems anytime i said something either to him or her about the way she took care of Jordan. i was so misrable because i was torn between the way i wanted to raise our son and keeping peace. it wasn't big things i asked and it wasn't like i nit picked everything but she made it very hard to be around her. well in feburary she told me that when it got nice out she didn't want to watch him durung the week anymore so she and her family could do things together, which was totally FINE WITH ME. for awhile i was trying to find a sitter so she wouldn't have to watch him but my SO kept saying it would break her heart if she couldn't watch him. well anyway i started looking again and found a great woman with just a few kids in her home who he loves and does very well there. well as soon as told her i found someone she started trying to make me feel bad for"taking him away from her" when it was her idea in the first place! she told me,"oh i didn't mean right away, i meant like spring time." well spring officially started march 21st and he started at his new babysitter's around march 10th so that's pretty much spring time to me. then she started bad mouthing this new woman anytime i said something about her so i stopped even telling her about it so then she starts bringing her up in conversations so she can say something mean. well Jordan loves it there, i'm happy because this woman listens to me and follows my directions without trying to make me feel bad. and no matter how bad jordan's grandma tries to make me feel i won't have an ounce of regret and will NEVER go back to that arrangment again. also, since she's stopped watching him during the week she hasn't offered to take him at all for us but yet asks us to bring him up to her work to see her or come over for a bit so she can see him. well there's my story.

take care everyone

Amanda
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Wed, 04-09-2003 - 3:26pm
have gotten guilt trips about coming/not coming on the holidays in the past. How my in-laws are more "important" than them, and how I like them better, etc. Also, if I talk about DH's family, my mother gives me the guilt trip about how I think his family is so "wonderful." Trust me, DH's family is not soooo wonderful, but they do have nice qualities about their family that are definitely lacking in my family.