Rant - Father - Very Long
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|Tue, 07-20-2010 - 3:12pm|
I just wanted to rant somewhere because I feel I don't really have a place to talk or rant about this. I hate talking to my SO about it because I just feel like its a big "poor me" story and I hate talking about how bad growing up was for me when he himself grew up in a great home and family environment. I just feel lesser when I discuss it so I just rather pretend it didn't happen.
ANYWAYS on to my rant
I haven't really dealt with a lot of things between my parents and I from growing up because it just seemed normal and most of the time the motto in the family was suck it up. I'm just feeling very angry towards my parents for never taking the time to really become a part of my life when I was a child.
We immigrated to Canada when I was 6 years old. They couldn't support us and had a real tough time finding work etc. My mother fell into a deep depression which meant she wasn't really there, just like a robot. My father is an alcoholic and would drink every night (still does). He would blame everyone and anyone for our problems and repeat over and over that you can't trust anyone. My mom threatened suicide and had mental breakdowns and there were a few times of domestic violence. Not to mention the whole time everything was going on I was just a back drop, just a piece of furniture sitting there.
There was ALWAYS something wrong with what I did or how I did it. My grades were never good enough, I'd get yelled at if I didn't write neatly or do math properly. I got told repeatedly I wouldn't make it, I'm not good enough. I was constantly compared to other children in my class even, saying how wonderful they are, dealing with their disappointment and feeling like they were stuck with a defective daughter.
I'm angry that at ANY event of mine be it parent teacher nights or sporting events or ANYTHING to do with me or my life not only were they not interested in watching or part taking, my father would yell at me for even asking or being a little upset for him not being there. Or if he had to pick me up, I'd get it in the car about how my things are unimportant and how dare I make him leave home on a work night to pick me up when he had work the next day. Don't I get it that money comes first and soccer, swimming, teacher parent nights aren't important. No drinking beer in front of the TV all night was more important.
I could never talk to him about ANYTHING because my opinions either didn't count or my emotions regardless of what they were were not important and childish and I should just get over it. Couldn't cry if I got dumped or if anything bad happened because I'm weak or too sensitive. If he made fun of my weight or anything to do with myself I couldn't cry or be upset because "geez, your so sensitive, get over it"
And the worst thing about all of this is now I'm a 21 year old basket case that has severe trust issues and co-dependency and insecure as heck, I have NO relationship with my father (he'd rather spend time with my SO then me.) and NOW he is nicer and happier etc in life. He loves talking to my SO but hardly does with me and he thinks our relationship is WONDERFUL. He NEVER EVER tells me he loves. I can count on one had how many times in the past 21 years. Maybe three. How do you fix something that one person doesn't think is broken. So for the rest of my life I have to sit there heart broken about all of this because he thinks NOTHING is wrong.
And if I were ever to bring up any of this, they would become defensive and tell me its the best they could have done and guilt me.
Anyways if you made it this far thank you. I needed that.