Sad and angry about family
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|Sat, 05-03-2003 - 8:31pm|
We had just sung happy birthday and cut the cake (around 12:30) when the phone rings and my mom goes to answer it. It's SIL's mom. She congratulates my mom on her half century, saying its an achievemnet and then asks what DB and SIL are doing. My mom tells her we just cut the cake and everyone is stting around, chatting and eating. SIL's mom throws a fit and tells my mom to tell DB and SIL that they can't have any cake because they (SIL's mom, sister, BIL and their kids) have been waiting for DB and SIL since 10am to start their bbq and they aren't going to wait for them any longer. I couldn't believe it when my mom told me. I was standing next to her during the call and heard how her tone changed when she said she'd relay the message. My mom tells my SIL and they leave about 20 minutes later, before my mom has opened her gifts. My mom was really hurt and I was outraged on her behalf. But SIL's family is always doing things like that and SIL has a history of excluding us from special events. To the point where we are told when to drop off gifts for their birthdays and when we arrive they are having a full blown party with SIL's family and we clearly aren't invited.
DB and I and DB and DF get along really well, so I know it is SIL who excludes us. And it hurts and makes me angry, but I guess I can't change it. What makes me most angry though is how hurt my mom is by it and how rude her family is to us.
When my mom did eventually open her gifts, I was even angrier. It seemed that everyone, excluding DF and I, had gone to the minimum amount of effort to get her a gift. She received a box of chocolates, a slab of belgian chocolate from my cousins trip there a year ago and a vase from DB and SIL (my mom has made her dislike of cut flowers very well known, she prefers living plants). My father didn't even get her a gift and said that they'd agreed to not get eachother gifts this year. Even if they had, which my mother denies, it was her 50th birthday.
I stayed behind to do the dishes and tidy up after everyone else had left and while we were alone in the kitchen together my mom broke down crying. She has done so many things for everyone in our family and bailed them out so many times and they all just treated her like she was nothing on the one day she was feeling really down and needed us to be loving and show her how much she means to us.
I felt really embarressed on their behalf and so angry at them all for hurting her as much as they had. I want to say something, make them realise just how inconsiderate and cold they all were, but I don't even know where to start. It is just so painful to me to see my mom so hurt and to know that these people who I care about and thought cared about me really couldn't care less. I know this particular occassion wasn't about me, but they have done similar things to DF and I in the past.
They have pushed us so far away that we are in danger of falling off the edge. That night when I got home I told DF that I didn't want anything more to do with any of them. That I would send the kids their gifts for christmasses and birthdays, but that would be it. But now my resolve is weakening and it is my neices birthday tomorrow and we have been invited over for lunch to celebrate. We will go, because we love her and she adores us, DF in particular, but I am dreading it, especially if SIL's family are there too. If I say something I could end up causing a huge family feud. If I don't, I will be guilt ridden and regret it.
I am already almost on non-speaking terms with my other SIL (DF's sister) because she hasn't acknowledged receipt of my nephews (her son) birthday present in March or thanked us, but she has called 3 times to ask DF to go over to her house to fix her computer and spoken to me first everytime.
In an effort to minimise my chances of being hurt by my family, I find myself excluding them from special events in my life. It was my graduation last week Thursday and I didn't tell or invite any of them except for my parents. Even then my dad managed to make the day all about him by complaining non stop about having to take the afternoon off of work and about how much work he had to do, etc and being impatient about getting our photo taken and it just carries on and on.
I don't expect or want my family to magically turn into the Waltons. I just wish that we could get through things without me always wanting to cry or being so tired emotionally that I just sit there, hoping numbness will set in. Why can't they all just be nice to eachother and respect eachother? Instead it turns into a "whats-in-it-for-me" scenario. And my answer is always sadness and anger.
Sorry this got so long. I'm just really sad today and needed to get this off my chest.