Sexual deviancy in the family. At what point do you turn in a loved one to the police?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2013
Sexual deviancy in the family. At what point do you turn in a loved one to the police?
8
Thu, 08-22-2013 - 2:18am

Hi, my name is Nikki. I normally only lurk here, but I desperately need advice right now.

My problem is my brother. Although I love him very much and he seems to be a very fine person in so many ways, unfortunately over the past couple months I’ve come to the painful conclusion that he is sexually deviant and I’m not sure what to do about it. It came as a total shock to me, and I never would have suspected it, but eventually I couldn’t deny it. I mean, you’d never know it, or even suspect it, unless you lived with him for awhile. He seems so very ‘straight’ and ‘clean cut’. He’s nice to everyone, polite, gets good grades, and is very mature and responsible. He’s even very religious and goes to church every Sunday, he even talked all of us into going with him. He teaches Bible study on Wednesdays. He even volunteers at a homeless shelter occassionally. But after observing him closely the past couple months, and after a few ‘incidents’ happened, I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s probably a pedophile, that he’s into young girls, and after the last ‘incident’ I even fear that our sister could be in danger of him. But I’m not sure what to do about it, other than to report it to the police, which I don’t want to do because he really crossed the line this time and I fear he’d really get into trouble over this, maybe even go to prison and be labeled a sex offender, which would ruin his life. I don’t want to do that but I’m really afraid for my sister and don’t know what else to do. I’ve tried confronting him about it but he denies everything and makes excuses, and there’s no way he’ll ever voluntarily seek counseling on this. And our mother is dying of cancer and there’s no way I’d tell her about this at this point. Our father is a jerk and lives in California, so no help there either. But I’ve confided in a friend and she says I should go to the police immediately.

 So I guess I would like some opinions on this. Because once I turn him in there’s no going back, and I love him very much and don’t want to see his life ruined forever. But I’d also want to kill myself if he did anything to our little sister. So I guess my question is at what point does it become the right thing to do --- to turn in a loved one to the police in order to protect another? Because I want to make sure I’m not overreacting and there are no other options. I mean, he’s already crossed some ‘red lines’, but enough to actually go to the police over?  I don’t know. All I know is that this situation is killing me and I don’t know what to do...

Please help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2013

What a situation. I personally would first start by talking to the sister and reminding her about inappropriate behavior and letting her know she can come to you to talk. If your brother has done or said something you feel inappropriate with her, be specific and let her know it is not okay. I would then talk to my brother again and let him know what specific things he has done that you are uncomfortable with. Be very direct and blunt with him. As far as the police, I can't say. I would have to know what it is he has done that has you so worried before making such a decision. If you are wrong or overreacting, his life is completely ruined. Once accused, always guilty. If the police even decide to investigate, which they may or may not, your family will never be the same.

Good luck with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Exactly what he did that makes you think he "crossed the line" and is a pedophile?

If he is just watching porn depicting young girls, it is one thing.  (Many people watch porn with "taboo sex" and never do it in real life).  If he has sexually molested an under age girl, then you should go to the police. 

Another option is talk to the pastor at the church where he volunteers for a "second opinion".  A clergy is bound by certain confidentiality ethics, and I also hope he would do anything to avoid having a pedophile hanging out at his congregation.  Perhaps he could be a good sounding board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

It's hard to answer when you didn't say exactly what he did, but if he went as far as to touch your sister inappropriately, then I would report him to the police because it's more important to protect your sister than the molester.  My exH was molested by an uncle (who I think was not that much older than him) when he was a young teenager.  he told his mother (uncle's sister) who never did anything about it and my ex hated his mother for the rest of her life (she died in her 40's) and would probably kill his uncle if he ever saw him today.  It actually ruined HIS life and he did nothing wrong.  Maybe you could get your bro to go to counseling but counselors and even priests are usually "mandated reporters" if they find out that child abuse has occurred.  Also I would wonder if he is teaching Bible study to kids or adults--most sexual predators get jobs or volunteer work where they are around kids--coaches, Boy Scout leaders, etc.  If he's teaching kids, then I think the minister needs to be aware of what is going on.  I am sorry about your mother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

By the way, possession of child pornography is also a crime.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

"By the way, possession of child pornography is also a crime".

Understood.  Most people these days get it throught the internet without actually "possessing".  In addittion, many of the "young girls" in porn are actually over 18 but they just look young, especially in Japanese or other Asian porn.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Like someone else already said, talk to your little sister about what is appropriate, what isn't, it is okay to say no, etc.  Make sure she knows to tell someone (if, God forbid), etc. etc.

As far as the police, we can't really say here based off your obvious hesitation to overshare here.  Which of course, we understand.  I guess it would partially depend on whether you are talking about things he has simply said, things he has said he has done, things you have seen, or think you saw, or what exactly these red flags are. 

Because you are right that if he in fact, he has not offended anyone, it is a huge acusation to make. 

I am thinking that all we can really tell you from here is to talk to a counselor yourself.  You could also take you little sister (well, if allowed, I suppose) and they can discern whether anything thas already happened with your little sister and you can also talk in confidence.  BUT, they are mandatory reporters, IF they think there is something to report.  I just don't know how else you can discern the difference on your own, since you seem so unsure.  I mean, if you were 100% positive you brother molested a young child, you probably wouldn't be here asking for advice.  Guessing you are questioning 'inapropriate' versus 'criminal'

Good luck sweetie, I feel for you. This must be hard.  I had a GF who's adopted son was an offender.  She handled it with such grace, it was amazing.  I don't know how she did it. 

Let us know what happens.

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

 

 

 

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2013

I'm sorry. I tried to share some of the details but it's so bad that it got flagged for 'inappropriate content'. I'm not sure why, however, as there was no profanity in the post...

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Yea, the content filter is interesting here.  I don't totally understand it, considering some of the taboo topics offered here. 

Good luck with everything!

Serenity

Serenity