She takes the wrong way all you say and do :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
She takes the wrong way all you say and do :(
4
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 8:09pm

She is an in law in my family. She once got mad with me saying she doesn´t feel acknowledged and important in my family.

She wasn’t able to come for Xmas because she is pregnant and wasn´t feeling well, and when I called her and told her “It`s a shame you are not coming, we had also bought some presents for you”. She got defensive as if I were scolding or complaining and said “Well it is for a good reason” (the pregnancy). I was just trying to be nice and to show we will miss them. I couldn´t say a word because I was trying to make a compliment and got out of base. As if you ask what day is today? And you get as reply “My mom isn´t feeling well”.

Once I was at a museum and she was next to me. I was watching a guy´s portrait I said “The guy´s skin is kind of dark” But she instantly replied “What´s wrong if his skin is dark?” I also didn´t say a word. His skin was dark because he was an Arab I never said it was wrong; I was just thinking out loud and trying to figure out who he was.

She, her husband, baby and I were in the car. Her husband wanted to make a fast visit to a friend’s new office. The weather was very hot and I suggested to her husband “Probably you have to go alone”. He quitted visiting and hours later, she told me “It was very hard to make that visit because it is not possible to be left in the car with such a hot weather and with the baby and……….. As I know her now; I said. “Well, my suggestion was made if your husband were by himself, I never meant to leave you in the car, pregnant and with the baby” She forgot I was also there.

I wouldn´t be aware of those small details, if she hadn´t told me angrily what she previously did. I´m very aware now of her reactions to what I say and do.

Do I have to explain all I say to show I never meant any bad? Is this a hopeless case? I have never been aware of such a bad misinterpretation to all I say. L

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Thu, 04-26-2012 - 8:19pm
Has she always been this way?? Or has she changed??
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Fri, 04-27-2012 - 12:03am

I'd suggest you just be yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 7:53am

Do these interactions happen in person/phone or by text/email?

If it’s the latter then it sounds like the lack of a tone of voice is causing the problems.

If it’s in person/phone, I wonder if she could be misunderstanding your tone of voice. What is your tone of voice like? I ask because when my husband and I first started dating he often would pull me up on something I’d said saying it caused offence to this or that person or himself. There was nothing wrong with what I’d said and if you saw how pure my heart was, you’d know I meant no harm but my tone of voice was off. I had a clue when he said I was just like my mother. I listened to her tone of voice and hers is off, too. Scary!

Another consideration is that it could be that she’s not listening properly to what you’re saying or not evening listening to other cues you give out. It also sounds like she could have a negative impression of you; she’s decided at some point you mean to cause offence even when you don’t and that’s the filter she’s hearing everything through. My youngest brother is the like this. He cuts me off often and I don’t know about it until I get no response from his wife as she stands by her man. Very often I won’t find out why he’s cut me off, only that he has. One time I did find out was when he and his wife were expecting their first child and I offered them use of our cot bed which my youngest son no longer used. He said he’d already got one and I asked if it was a smaller cot with drop down sides in which case he could still use the cot bed later (I’m aware some parents like their babies in the same bedroom as them and there’s no way a cot bed would fit in my brother's bedroom), he confirmed it was a cot bed. Ok, no problem. Next thing, I find his wife is ignoring me. Some point much later I find out why. He said that I’d said his cot was cheap and nasty. Huh? What? Where did that come from? I NEVER said any such thing let alone think it! I’m guessing that when they went cot shopping that he decided the smaller ones with drop down sides were cheap and nasty and when I asked if that was his chosen cot, he projected his thoughts about it on me claiming I’d said it. He’s so ready to believe something negative about me so anything I do say, no matter, how innocent, goes though this filter! It's difficult to have a relationship with him because of this :(



“It’s sometimes hard to listen without judgement but people do appreciate being heard.” aka Sam Spade, 23rd August 2007
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 8:25am

Debs, my brother does the exact same thing to me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 04-28-2012 - 7:53pm
Part of the problem here is that I´m getting kind of responisble for her "garbage": Itçs a very important relationship for me and I´d like it to work. But I have seen her also taken the wrong way things that my daughter says. So I assume it´s not onlyy with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

How are you getting responsible for her "garbage"?  Given she does it to others, it's pretty clear that it's not you.