Should I cut off ties with a family member who hurts others by hurting herself.
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|Fri, 08-17-2012 - 9:11am|
I have a family member whom I'm very close with and have been since childhood who continued to hurt others by hurting herself.
This woman met her husband when they were both very young. Since they've married and started a family. However her other half has been both verbally and mentally abusive to her calling her derogatory names, cussing at her and even telling her she is not a good mother.
I am not insinuating that she is an "angel" because I don't know what goes on behind closed doors and I "do" know that she too can have a temper and quite the "mouth". Still, he has done things that have also proven he can be irresponsible with the kids...for instance placing extracurricular activities such as sports as a priority before schoolwork and not addressing the kids homework until about 10 or 11 at night and we're talking kids under 12.
He has often told his "wife" that he feels like he was forced into the marriage because they conceived and that he missed out on his youth. This, has led him out the door on more than one occasion, though he seems to always slither back.
My family member blames herself for much of their marital problems and overtime he leaves, is eager to take him back, always leaving the door open for him to come back, noting that she too is to blame and that every man will have his set of issues, and that no one is perfect..Besides, he's the "dad".
This notion is compounded by her parents who are in a dysfunctional relationship themselves (husband is extremely tyrannical and verbally abusive...To the point where his own children no longer respect either of them). The parents tell her that other men may be abusers of the children and that her "place" is with their father...Even though now, this is like the third time he has left and is coming back.
Every time this man leaves, we the family and friends and the support system...And we are happy to do so...Only to find out when he's done "playing" and "sowing his wild oats" he comes crawling back into her life and ours. And, all this because she is being "brainwashed" that this man is her best option until at least her kids are fully grown.
This man is a conniver and a manipulator and his family seriously disrespectful of the wife and her family and not afraid to show it. They've NEVER wanted her for their son and it's obvious and they never speak to her and when they visit ignore her and her family. Yet, somehow she stays..Though every time they argue she comes, rightfully so, calling on us, her friends and family to vent to and for support.
Point is there are a few other GOOD men out there who have been interested in her since this person walked out the last time who she continues to push aside just so she can take her soon-to-be-ex back..Not realizing that for nearly two years now she's been doing just fine on her own. The "ex" knows we don't like him (much) and has very little to say to us, though the girl's mom embraces him as if nothing has happened. I personally DO NOT appreciate him nor want to associate with him.
My husband and mother feel I should keep my big mouth shut. I think someone needs to confront her and let her know, though we've told her our feelings already, that as long as she maintains a relationship with "him", we want nothing to do with it. Should she want to get together on her own..Fine..But if he's in the picture, she should count us, all of us,,,OUT. I think that by embracing him we are empowering him (to do the same) and enabling her to enable HIS bad behaviour. Instead of just ignoring it and not accepting invites when it's the two of them, I believe we can make a stronger impact letting her know she will lose her support system and her relationships because of him. We should not play nice. Let her know that we will say goodbye if she's with him..And let her know there are consequences to her actions. My man and my mom however think we should just play it cool, keeping doors open. Should we be invited when he's there simply decline and allow her and him to get the message..And this way WE are not hurtful or offensive. But, I think if we are not direct, she will never realize and never learn. But, since I'll admit I too still have lots to learn, I'm willing to see how others feel and what others have to say.
I am soooo angry because he's done this more than once, and more than twice from what I understand and he's bound to do it again...And I really don't want to see her hurt or miss out on other awesome options because of her lame decisions and stubbornness.
What do you all think..Any and all input greatly appreciated.
Humble and sincere thanks in advance.