Sister problems

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2003
Sister problems
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 11:09am
I am one of 4 children. The sister closet to me is 5 years younger. We have never been especially close and have not gotten along very well through the years (we were not raised together). I have been married for almost 12 years now and have 3 other children.

Now, her daughter and her are both causing family problems. My neice, who is 6, is very spoiled. She is VERY hyper and very difficult to be around. When my 2 child started school, things got even worse and my daughter did not want to play with my neice very often. she had made friends with other children on the street who were in school with her. Every time, I have contact with my neice, she runs and tells my sister that I said something mean, or was ugly to her. None of which is true. My sister fley off the handle when my neice called and wanted to speak with my daughter and i told her that she was not here right now, but that she had gone to Chuck E. Cheese. My sister said that I told her that to hurt her feelings and said that I was "cold hearted" for hurting her like that.

I just do not have the time for this type of drama. I am the mother of a 12 yo. daughter, 7 yo. daughter, 4 yo. son, and 18 month old daughter. I run a business from home and have a high maintenance husband. Just recently, I saw my neice outside our house and she was sitting in our yard screaming crying because my daughter did not want to play with her and went to a neighbor's house. I went outside and told my neice that she would have to stop screaming or go home. She did go home and told my sister that I "made" her leave. My sister calls me screaming for being "mean" and when I walked down the street to her house to deal with this, her and her husband came outside and were screaming, cursing, and in my face about what a pathetic aunt I am becuase I do not treat my neice like I should, I don't take her anywhere and I don't invite her to spend the night very often. During all of this they were going on and on about how they have taken my daughter places with them and let her spend the night several times. I tried to explain to them that I have my hands full with 4 kids, working at home, and a husband who works 3rd shift and sleeps during day. I should also state that they have never made an attempt to "take" any of my other children anywhere and rarely even speaks to them.

I am tired of having to explain that 4 children are quite consuming and that inviting one more along to the movies or McDonald's is just too much. My sister has no concept of being the mother in a large family and refuses to see that I am not being "mean". She is stuck up, has looked down to the fact that I stay at home, and is very ugly when she is crossed. At this time, we are not speaking due to the most recent incident with her and her husband. As far as my husband is concerned, they can just stay down at their house with their daughter and we will stay here.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: carriex4
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 11:16am
I think your husband is right. Leave them to themselves. It doesn't seem like explaining what would be obvious to most people - that you are rushed off your feet with your family and your job and don't have time for her histrionics - is going to do any good. So I guess you will just have to get on with your life and leave her to hers. It does seem a shame but if she isn't prepared to listen I don't know what else you can do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
In reply to: carriex4
Sun, 08-31-2003 - 2:51pm
Hi carriex4

Sorry to hear about your family problems, it really can be draining at times!

First of all, your sister looks down on you because you're a stay at home mom???? Where I come from, women who worked OUTSIDE the home are looked down on, as if their husbands can't support them. Maybe it's getting to be a generation gap now? Whatever.

Anyway, if your sister is yelling and screaming at you and your BIL too, maybe you need to distance yourself as much as you can for living on the same street. They certainly aren't showing you any respect. I have to say I can see their point of their daughter not coming with you to family activities, but she also has to see yours that it can be too much at once. People just don't seem to understand that everyone isn't the same.

Can you talk to just your sister when both of you are calm and explain to her that your daughter has made school friends now and may not always be available to play. And really it would seem that her daughter would want to make other friends as well? Also can you explain to her how your lives are different than theirs and give examples so maybe she will agree that you have separate lives and situations. Usually I disagree with men that want to avoid confrontation to keep peace, but perhaps in this situation it will send the message to your sister that all of you DO have separate lives and interests outside of each other.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
In reply to: carriex4
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 6:36pm
My dear, I do feel for you. I went thru very much the same thing over 15 years ago with a SIL. The problem with with her 2 dd's lying, stealing & tearing up my 3dd's stuff. They would lie to their paternal Grandma who would listen to them & take stuff from my kids & give it to them & then destroy it before I could get things straighten out between SIL & XMIL. Oy! I finally quit letting my girls go see grandma with the other granddaughters were there. I wouldn't let my girls play with their cousins anymore either. After about 6 months of this both SIL & MIL started listening to me. And we were able to work it out.

These 5 girls are now 27,25,24,23 & 17. So there is hope.

As for your sister, tell to stick a sock in it. Don't let the kid come over anymore either. If you have to just ignore them all. Your going to be better off without them in your lifes.