Sister problems, should I be mad?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2003
Sister problems, should I be mad?
4
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 12:58am
Hi everyone, I'm new to this board. I have been having a problem with my sister and her 14 yr old son that I hope you can help me with. To make a long story short, my nephew became friends with a boy that my son, who is the same age, was previously friends with. My son and this boy were trying to be friends again until my nephew interfered and ruined it. We all live in the same town. My son has only 1 other friend and they hang out once in awhile. My nephew used to come over alot, but he has only been to our house twice this summer. He has been working for a neighbor, but we know that doesn't take up all his time. He hardly ever calls my son now, and he showed little interest in being friends with this kid until my son told him about becoming friends again. My sister and my nephew both deny him being close friends with him, but we're sure he is. We've caught both of them in many lies about this, and we've had many arguments about this also. I've done alot for them because my sister is a single mom raising 2 kids. My son and I are very hurt and mad at them and feel we can't trust them. My nephew has tried to break up my son's friendships before. His behavior has gotten terrible. He lies, swears, and is very bossy. He gets no discipline from my sister at all and neither does his younger sister. We have had problems with him in our home, and to tell you the truth, I don't want him here. We all aren't speaking now because of this. They both knew how we would feel, yet they didn't care and still did it. I don't want to do any more favors for them and this has gotten ugly. What should I do?
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 2:39am
Having experienced a degree of this in my own life, I know how you feel. But I don't have any real good advice. It is so tricky because it involves family and it is the same town. Your nephew and your son have the same group of friends to chose from.

It is probably good that your nephew hasn't been around this summer. Getting some distance from him will help. Help your son to stand on his own. He doesn't want friends that would believe lies from some one else. If your son is interested in being friends with someone, make opportunity for them to get together. If he has difficulty making friends maybe you could spend time with the mothers and then the boys would be together without pressure.

My best advice is don't waste your energy beiong mad. You can do nothing about their behavior but you can teach your son many things by how you react to the situation.

Melissa

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 7:52am
I agree with Melissa...maybe it is better if he has been staying away. If your nephew has problems it might be best if he stays away so none of it "rub off" on your son. I think that it might be for the best because other kids can see your son for he is not as so and so's cousin. I would also start talking to my sis again. I know that sounds horrible of me to say after what all has happened, but she is still your sister and always will be. I know it is hard but i believe we have to accept each others children for who they are and be thankful if our children are nothing like the others. I know you are famiily but there is no written law anywhere that your son and nephew HAS to be friends. I think if you and your sister could sweep your problems away then maybe the relationship with the boys would improve? If they see their moms fighting over their childrens friends they may think it is an ok issue to fight over. I never interfere with whom my son decides he wants as a friend even if I really do not like the other child. I feel it is his place to make his own friends and learn from the process. I am sure your son will meet other kids who are a lot better for him. If the other child became friends with your nephew instead of healing a relationship with your son...can you really call him a friend? I would just really not say negative things around my son about my sister and try to let him make new friends on his own. I hope this has helped. Please keep us updated on the issue.

I would also like to welcome you to the board. Please feel free to post as much as your time allows. We would love for you to join are group !! We have some great people here who are always willing to lend their advice and support.

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Sat, 08-09-2003 - 8:09pm
I am not a mom (I am only 18) but I personally think that the best thing for parents to do regarding their kids' friendships is just let them do what they will, be friends with who they want to be, etc, as long as no one is getting hurt or into trouble. If two kids have a falling out I think that is their problem to deal with, and if they ask for help from their mom great but if not then they (the moms) shouldnt try to get involved or tell their kid who to befriend. Also kids can be fickle, and make strange choices, but that is just part of life and growing up. I think that true friends get past that no matter what age and of course it would hurt to see ur kid's feelings hurt but really what can u do? Honestly I think it sounds silly and immature of ur sister, a grownup woman, to lie about who her son is friends with. I mean he isnt obligated to be friends w/ ur son or vice versa, just because they are cousins...altho of course it would be nice! (I am friends with a lot of my cousins but not all) Also as u say ur nephew's not the best influence then maybe its a good thing ur son is not hanging out w/ him alot anyway.

Maybe the best thing would be for ur son to get involved w/ something he likes to do (anything, could be a club, church group, pc gaming, sports, whatever he loves to do...) and then he could make lots of new friends and wouldnt need his cousin or former friend! As far as ur sister goes, I think the thing to do would be the bigger person and tell her how silly u think it is for 2 grownups getting involved in 14 yr old social life, and tell her u feel its time to let the boys make their own friendship choices etc, call a truse (sp?) truece?. That is just my two cents! Rhiannon


Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 08-10-2003 - 12:36am
Your nephew use to come over alot. Now that he found new friends and working, he just doesn't have time. So what? He doesn't have to hang out with his cousin, just because . . . . .

Maybe they now have different interest. That's OK, too. Cousins of my sons don't hang out when they're both in town from school. They see each other only when we have re-unions. They're like 5 mins. from each other. In your situation, don't worry about it. Lies, swears, too bossy: don't lose sleep over your nephew and his new friend, hey maybe they found out they didn't have anything in common afterall with your son. Maybe, it's better of that way. Good riddance. Your sister, being a single mom, is having a difficult time trying to be mom AND dad. Some kids in that kind of environment needs alot of love and attention, and that's why your nephew is a problematic child. Compared to your son with loving parents in the home. Maybe someday, you'll be thankful, that they end up a 'bad influence' for your son. Don't do them any more favors. It's sad, that he's not getting discipline at home. Remember, your sister should NOT be to blamed. She's having a rough time as is, w/out a husband.

Example: there's a kid in my block who was the ring leader and my oldest son was once friends. But they drifted apart, for some reason, my son just didn't want to hang out w/him anymore. We were so glad, he made the right choice. The kid end up in jail, dropped out of school, took drugs, when he got out of jail he had a hit & run and went right back in.