Sisters always looking for a handout

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
Sisters always looking for a handout
3
Thu, 09-25-2003 - 2:03pm
How much influence should my boyfriend's family have over weather or not I should be going through with the long term relationship? My Boyfriend of many years is a great guy and we are planning on getting married. The problem is his family. His parents and younger sisters seem to take advantage of him ( at least from my point of view). My boyfriend has a well paying job for a single guy, (when we get married I would still have to work to contribute to the bills) and has no children to support. His sisters do have children and are always wining the blues, mostly about their financial situation. His parents seem to think that because the sisters have children and he doesn't, that he should help them out. He sees it like that too. He always says he does it for the children's sake. He doesn't want his niece and nephew to go with out. Both sisters are married and have jobs of their own. I don't see why they are always looking to my fiance to support their families. When we go out for family meals, he always pays the bill and the tip. Every family function that we are involved in he ends up paying all their ways. They do nothing for him in return. I do not want to enter into this marriage feeling that I owe his sisters something because they have children and I do not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Fri, 09-26-2003 - 2:59pm
Have you talked to your bf about what will happen after you two are married? Is he still going to feel obligated to help them out because of his nieces and nephews? What about when you have children, is that the only way that the handouts will stop? Your bf is obviously a very caring person, and regardless of whether you think his family is taking advantage, it's HIS decision and his money. If he chooses to help them out, there's not much you can do.

Money issues are right up there with the top ten reasons why people divorce, so before you go into this marriage (or even continue this relationship), you will have to get this situation straight. Too many people wait until AFTER the wedding to start to try and change their mates. This is just one thing that you both need to agree on, or it will wear away at you and your relationship. Good luck.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Mon, 09-29-2003 - 11:59am
Here's what I think, and I have found it to be true in most of the marriages that I have witnessed...

If your spouse has family issues before he gets married that bother you, they will get worse or not change at all once you are married. I say this not to discourage you, but to open your eyes and inform you before you make that step. It is not good to think that you can handle it later if you are having problems now. Unless you and your spouse will be moving far away, he will never be free of his family's problems and dependence. It sounds to me like his family has some kind of emotional blackmail over your boyfriend. Good luck, and I hope you find happiness!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 12:23am
I dont know what 2 say really since I havent been there (either side) but I think it is very important u have a big long serious talk w/ ur bf about this (if u havent already) b-cuz it DOES sound like it is an issue for u and would continue to be a big issue for u. I know SOMEWHAT how u feel just b-cuz I am so sick of people getting special treatment "for the kids sake" but I wont even GO THERE, I am just fed up (for ex. these women I know at my college w/ kids who have FREE tuition and apts etc - while I work and still have to get loans) Anyway, good luck with this! Rhiannon