sister's engaged to a gay man

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
sister's engaged to a gay man
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 2:08am
My sister is engaged to a gay and it is tearing our relationship apart and is causing tension between my husband and I. I knew my sister's boyfriend (I'll call him Tim) before my sister met him. I met him at my place of work and we became work buddies. I sensed from the first time I heard him talk that he was gay after knowing him for a while, I knew he was. I didn't care. I was confused because he did things that were so flamboyently gay ( lap dancing for a man, flirting with men, and telling me which men he felt were hot), but every once in a while would say he was streight. I assumed it was because he came from a family who did not accept him as gay (he had some past experiences with a couple of men that hurt his mom and apparently made his father disown him for a while). He had told me he was looking to get married and I didn't believe him but didn't tell him that I felt he was lying. Then my sister (I'll call her Kathy) got a job where we worked and he instantly wanted me to hook them up. At first my sister avoided him at any cost and once commented to me that he needed to wake up and smell the gaydar. But then something changed and they started dating and very quickly became engaged. In the beginning, Kathy begged me to help her get out of the relationship and complained that he would things like talk about how other men looked at him. No matter what I, or my husband said to her, she wouldn't leave him. I know she is very scared that she can't get another man. She has little confidance even though she is pretty and has a good personality. Lately, she says he is streight and wants me, and every one else, to accept them as a couple. I'm so confused. Their relationship feels so faked and forced and I feel it is going to blowup in their faces. I think Kathy is going to be hurt by this relationship in the future. It is already causing her serious problems because no one accepts them as a couple. Everyone, after meeting Tim, knows he's gay and considers his relationship with Kahty a joke. People make comments to her all the time about this and she ends up feeling insulted that people would say this to her. If I explain to her that this is how it is going to be as long as she is with Tim, she rages at me and sais if I can't except them as a couple, she doesn't want anything to do with me. My husband won't have anything to do with Tim because he feels he's a fake and a liar and will hurt Kathy in the future. This situation is tearing all of us apart. If anyone has any advice, please help!
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 08-28-2003 - 2:02pm
Instead of trying to tell Kathy about how you feel maybe you should give her a chance to talk about how she feels. You could tell her that it must make her feel bad that everyone talks about her and Tim like that. Ask her how she is going to deal with that as they get married. Ask her or Tim what has changed that makes him not gay anymore. (Or did he ever admit to being to gay?) Ask questions in a non-attacking way. Let her think thorugh. Maybe he is ready to change and they will make it through together. Just keep her talking.

I wish the best for both of them.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-29-2003 - 9:37am
You have been given excellent advice already, but I would like to add that you and your DH need to step out of your sister's relationship. She is an adult and doesn't need your permission or blessings to make any of her decisions or to choose to be part of a couple. I know that it is difficult to keep your mouth shut when you see someone you love making a huge mistake, but the only thing your protests will do, will make it more difficult for her to admit she is wrong. By becoming the enemies of this relationship, you and your DH are giving this couple a convienient common problem to bond over. Also, by constantly telling your sister how you feel about this situation, you kind of rob her of having a sounding board with which to work out her own feelings about what is going on. She may or may not stay in this relationship, that is her decision and she, not you, will have to face the consequences of her decision.

You would be more effective if you would disengage from this whole thing. Let your sister rant as much as she wants and use Michelle's advice about how to talk to her. Don't make it about how you feel, but about what is going on in her life and how she is dealing with it, because as long as the focus is on your feelings, she won't deal with the real issues. Always be empathetic, and NEVER say "I told you so", don't even imply it in your demeaner. You don't have to support the relationship, but you should support your sister, and it really sounds like she needs it right now.