So alone. Please help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
So alone. Please help.
9
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 2:17pm

I apologize in advance because this will be long and I don't know how to avoid that!

I met a girl when I was 15 and we became the best of friends.  When I was 17, I had to move away and we lost touch.   Then, magically, we caught up with each other again in 2008, and became close again.  So close in fact, that she moved just 3 blocks away from me.  Now about the same time that she moved into my neighborhood, some new neighbors moved in next to me.  A nice couple with kids that we really hit it off with.  So, as time went on, we started to all get together...my family, my neighbors, and my best friend and her family.  BUT, my best friend and I were still thick as thieves.  I could tell her anything, and trust her.  And she the same.  About a year back, I noticed that my BF and my neighbor were begining to do some things without me, like joining the "Y" to work out together, going to lunch, things of that nature.  But thats OK.  I had other friends too.  NOT as close to me as my BF, not even close, but I wanted to be mature about the whole thing.  

 

Over Memorial Day weekend of 2012, the 3 of us couples went to Gatlinburg togehter.  Overall, it was an amazing time, and we all had lots of fun.  We then come back home, and everything SEEMS to be status qou.  Then, about 2 months after our trip had occured, my best friend said she needed to talk to me, and to meet her and the neighbor gal at the neighbors house.  So I go over, and am simply blown away.  They sat across from me and told me how my BF was upset with me in Gatlinburg because of something.  I asked WHY didn't she tell me earlier, instead of telling the neighbor??  No reason, she just did.  I stared to see a real problem then. In te past, if we had issues, we would just TELL each other immediatly.  NOw, she wasn't telling me, but telling the neighbor gal instead.

OK.  So I let it go.  Life is too short to hold a grudge.  Many months go by and I see them, my BF and the neighbor, hanging out more and more.  And some things come up that I tell my BF.  In PRIVATE.  So what does she do, she tells the neighbor.  Beccause , as my BF says.."we are ALL friends and there should be no secrets".  Well, I liked the neighbor gal and all, but geez, I wanted to be able to still trust my BF and tell her things in private.  And I got burned twice.  So I started to back off.  Self-preservation I suppose.  They kept telling me we could all THREE be best friends.  But we ALL know 3 is a crowd.

 

November 2012 rolls around, and my BF is just acting more and more distant.  As am I.  So I decide to talk to her about it.  This was a relationship I really felt was worth fighting for.  And if fighting was what we had to do to work out the kinks, so be it.  So my BF messages me on Facebook, and a crap storm lets loose...She tells me I was NEVER the kind of friend she HOPED I would be.  She tells me that I let my kids run my life, that she basically doesn't care for my parenting, blah blah blah.  I was SO hurt.  My kids are not perfect.  But neither are hers.  And I would NEVER comment on someone else's parenting.  That to me is just off limits.  

 

I talk to the neighbor, and she is just as hateful to me.  She tells me "I would NEVER try to come between you two", but then turns around and supports everything my BF says to me, adding her own two cents as we go along.  As well as telling me that she thinks I have "personal issues".

Once again, we patch things up.  My BF told me I needed to reach out to her more, and not pull away.  And so I TRY.  I invite her to different things, and more often than not, she turns me down.  Then, two weeks ago...My BF is sick.  And had been for a couple weeks.  We make plans to do lunch and she finally starts to feel better.  So I ask her how her week looks and can we do lunch now?  She tells me her week is SUPER busy.  Maybe another time.  Then, for 3 days in a row, I watch her go hang out with the neightbor, posting on Facebook all that they are doing together...lunch inlcuded.  And a country concert on Friday night.  And dinner out on Saturday night.  And a get-together/cook-out on Sunday night.  

 

So I went over last night, to try to clear this up.  Again, she tell me that we just never were friends like SHE wanted us to be, and that her and neighbor lady just have more in common and are closer.  I asked her...if she had a problem, WHY in the world would she not talk to ME about it, and fight for our relationship instead of just turning to neighbor lady and excluding me from everything.  And she tells me she just wants to be happy and is tired of not pleasing people.  That if "people" cant deal with things, then too bad.

 

Well, I got THAT picture pretty loud and clear.

 

I did make mistakes in our relationship.  I also owned up to them, and when she told me what she wanted from me, I did my very best to make that happen.  But she had issues with me, since last MAY, and never told me, just told neighbor lady.  She told neighbor lady things I said in confidence.  She made mistakes too.  And worst of all, she doesn't seem to think I am worth figthing for :(

I am a 41 yr old married woman.  Wonderful husband, 2 great kids, a good job.  I have a wonderful family.  But she was really my only CLOSE friend.  She was my BF.  I feel so lost and alone now.  And just so sad.  I dont feel like I have anyone to turn to.  And the worst part is that I live right in between my BF and neighbor, so I cant escape seeing them ALL THE TIME. And I cant move:(

My husband says to just take what I can from the friendship.  But I dont know at this point, if I can or if I SHOULD even try.  Please help me :(

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Thu, 04-04-2013 - 4:29pm
 
I had to tell you I love what you wrote, how true you are so right!! 
 
It totally makes sense when you said:  "Sadly, sometimes friendships come to an end, just as some marriages do.  When you were friends years ago, you filled each other's needs.  That is no longer true"
 

Thanks for the inspiration today!!  How are you doing?

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 5:42am

Sadly, sometimes friendships come to an end, just as some marriages do.  When you were friends years ago, you filled each other's needs.  That is no longer true.  You are NOT alone......you have a husband, children, and even co-workers.  You don't have to fight for this friendship, because it's no longer a friendship.  What you need is to form some new friendships.  In the meantime, stop watching what they do.......it doesn't help anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 03-11-2013 - 5:42am

Sadly, sometimes friendships come to an end, just as some marriages do.  When you were friends years ago, you filled each other's needs.  That is no longer true.  You are NOT alone......you have a husband, children, and even co-workers.  You don't have to fight for this friendship, because it's no longer a friendship.  What you need is to form some new friendships.  In the meantime, stop watching what they do.......it doesn't help anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 03-02-2013 - 12:47am

Hi, sorry for what you are going through. I seem that when 2 women are best friends and another one comes in, things change. I guess there is nothing you can do about the situation. I think that even though the neighbor said she didn´t want to go between you two. That is what she has done. And your BF, instead of talking with you straight, she went to tell the neighbor. You are right THREE IS A CROWD for best friends.

Try to take this as an inevitable change in life, yes we all have to mourn some loses. I know it must be hard for you to have both of them so close. Try to find ways to not see them as possible, make some changes in your schedule if possible.

As a previous poster said, say Hi and move on if you find them.

Next  time, try to have two best friends or as many as possible, so if you lose one you have the another. I know we all want to have a best friend and that place might be only for one. But I have been there and now and don´t have best friends, I only have friends. I don´t know if I´m doing it better or worst, but at least it doesn´t hurt much.

 

Good luck!

 

Good luck!

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 9:59pm

Hello Kelley,

I am finally writting you back.  Busy day with the kids.

Please know, you are not alone!!  I know you may feel alone, but even though this is a message board, I am a real person, with real feelings and I have also had friendship issues and I know how it feels when a friend hurts you.  Oh, boy, do I know.  Big hug.

Unbelieveable what you wrote about taking your 13 yr. old daughter to the bonfire and the 2 women giving you grief about taking her home because she was tired.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and I think these 2 were way out of line to even say anything about it.  I would have done the same thing if my 13 yr. old didn't want to be home alone at night.  You obviously are a wonderful mom!!!  Your daughter is lucky to have a mom like you!

I can't imagine what I would do with both women living real close to your home.  It is not like you can just move.  Why do they have to be so cruel and judgemental?  You don't deserve, you deserve a honestly, sincere, caring friend.  I am so sorry this is happening and I wish I could give you a idea of how to not see them.  But, your daughters are friends.

And, the whole birthday party issue, my goodness, your daughter had her 13th birthday, I think that is important!  And she got bothered it was the same day as her party, big sigh.

How are you doing today?

I went to The Smoky Mountains and Gatlenburg too, for the first time last year.  We rented a cabin in the wood, it was the most beautiful decorated, nice, clean cabin ever!  I live in TN.

Ok, I have to put kids to bed.  Hope to hear back from you soon and let me know how your doing.  Hang in there.

 

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Sat, 02-23-2013 - 1:09am
  • Hi Kelley,
  • I just read your post.  Sorry for not checking sooner, I have quite a bit of things going on in my life at the moment and am having a hard time dealing with particular issues.  I am very exausted, but wanted to get back to you and tell you that I will reply to your post tomorrow after my brain takes a emotional break for a few hours (grin).  You are very welcome for the post I wrote.  Write more soon, nite nite.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 4:31pm

Unfortunately somehow this friendship has taken a turn for the worse and there is nothing you can do about it now because obviously your former BF doesn't want to be friends w/ you any more and has taken the neighbor in as her new BF.  You can see how unbelievably self centered she is when she complained about your DD's birthday party being on "her" birthday--um, is your DD supposed to change her own BD to a different day because your friend is entitled to have no one else celebrate on "her" special day? 

Yes, it's harder to make new friends when you get older, but it's possible.  I think when you see your former friend & the neighbor you should be civil and say hi, how's it going, but nothing else--don't make any overtures to her any more.  If you try to shun her or make remarks, then she'll turn everything back on you.  it's sad that she is involving her DD in this nonsense--if the kids want to be friends in school, then they are going to be, but considering the mother is toxic, the DD is probably going to turn into one of those "mean girls" too so hopefully your DD can stay away from her.  It's too bad you live in the same area, but just go about your own business.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2012
Wed, 02-20-2013 - 12:33pm

Thank you SO MUCH for your reply!  It means a lot to me.  I am better today, but still have moments where my mind is just reeling.  

I agree with you on the parenting thing.  I would expect that if I were not around and my kids did something, that a trusted friend or family member who might be there would correct them.  BUT, I would NEVER tell someone else how I feel abuout his/her parenting.  That isn't for me to say.  My kids are good kids, and I think I am a good parent.  But even the best parenting still sometimes doesn't help.  It just seems like an area that should be left alone.  

Part of the reason my BF said this was this...we would have bonfires often, in the summer, at my neighbors house.  And my 13 year old would get tired after awhile and want to go home.  I'm not talking like 6pm or something...I mean late.  So I would take her home.  Even though we live just next door, she doesn't like to go home to an empty house and go to bed with no one home.  And I cant blame her.  But my BF and the neighbor just blasted me for this, saying I let her run my life.  Well, too bad.  I am her Mom, and if she needs me, she needs me.

I have given a lot of thought the past couple days, to how many times I brushed things under the rug, for the sake of preserving the friendship.  Like me telling my BF secrets and her turning around and telling the neighbor gal.  Or...My BF and my daughter have a birthday on the same day.  So I planned a 13th b-day party for my daughter, from 2-5 at bowling.  Later, much later, my BF tells me she was MAD at me for putting my daughters party on HER birthday.  Even though my BF didn't have her party until evening.  And never mind the fact that my daughter was turning 13, and my BF was turning 41!  You are right....she is acting like grade school!

It hurts me pretty badly that I was willing to fight for the friendship and she just lets it go because she doesn't want to be "bothered" with things.  I have been married for 19 years.  So I know that to keep a relationship going, you have to talk.  Sometimes you even have to fight thru things to get to the other side.  But she doesn't want to.  Why would she I guess?  She has a new BF.

I think the thing I have a hard time with now is knowing where to go from here.  Like, if I see her, or do I even talk to her?  Ugh.  Wish I didn't live right between them!

The worst part is that our daughters are close friends.  My daughter called her daughter last night to ask some questions about an upcoming girl scout meeting.  My BF's daugher said "I wont be there...my parents dont want me going to YOUR group anymore".  WHAT?  I certainly hoped she was mature enough to NOt get two little girls involved or make them pay for adult problems.  Guess I was wrong again.

I feel like I have to start all over again.  Maybe I should look at this as a new opportunity.  But I feel realy alone.  I know time will heal all wounds.  Its just hard.  Your post to me made me feel much better.  Thank you!!

Avatar for sunset5000
Community Leader
Registered: 10-10-2007
Tue, 02-19-2013 - 3:58pm

((oh, big hug, Kelley))  I am sorry these "friends" have been acting this awful way towards you, and then they have the nerve to then turn around and say something like all 3 of you are close or best friends?!?!  And, I think you said the neighbor or friend as she claims, the neighbor tells you that YOU HAVE ISSUES????   You have the issues?  Hmmm ... I personally disagree.  They would like be in their 30's, I would guess?  Didn't we do this type of behavior in grade school?   Unbelieveable.  I am sorry these so called friends are saying such mean things to you.  You don't deserve what they are doing.

And, to top it all of, your Bff tells you:   "She tells me that I let my kids run my life, that she basically doesn't care for my parenting ...."   Unbelieveable of her to judge you on your parenting style!!  I am wondering if she is aware that it has been discovered years ago that there are about 4 different types of parenting styles?  I can research that further if you want, my college days were awhile back and I cannot remember the styles.  I do think one style is called:  authoritative parent 

I have 2 friends in their late 30's as I am also.  All of us married and have children.  We have had long conversations about how we strongly dislike it when you have say a neighbor or a friend visiting and they discipline your children, as you are sitting right there!  I have told friends more lately that I am able to discipline my children.  Now, if I step out of the room for a minute and ask you to keep an eye on my kids for a few minutes, then I feel, as a mother, I am given friend permission temporarly to disciple my kids if needed or if they are going to get hurt.  When I say discipline, I do not mean hitting or yelling, just ask my child to stop doing .....blah blah.

Sorry, I went on a bit too long there.  Does it bothered you or has a friend or neighbor tried to tell your child what to do, when your right there too? 

Being a mother thenselves, how could they say such things about your parenting when they are your BFF?!?!  How dare them do that to you, another mother.

Ok, I am not sure if I helped you any, but it just bothered me reading your post and what these women, BFF, neighbor, or whatever they want to be called, how they could hurt you like this.  Please feel free to write more.  I am here if you need to talk. hug