SO's Family and Mine
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|Wed, 12-19-2012 - 3:40pm|
I have been dating a man for almost four years, and this is the third Christmas since we became "serious." My SO is a widower with three daughters (one married and out of state). I am divorced with a son and daughter. All our children are in their twenties except the married daughter who is in her early 30s. We are in our late 50s, early 60s.
My SO spends every Thanksgiving in another city with his late wife's family and his daughters. I have not been invited. I would not go because I prefer to spend Thanksgiving with my kids, but I think they could have invited me this year. My SO and i are practically living together. His late wife's mother has met me and was very nice, so there is no overt resentment that he has found "someone else."
Okay, so the first Christmas we were going together, his entire family (married daughter and in laws) came to town and I hardly saw him. I think I was invited to one dinner to meet everyone and that was that. I was a little disappointed, but we had only been serious for about eight months, so I didn't mind too much.
Last year, I invited him and his in-town (unmarried) daughters to share our Christmas Eve. His younger daughter returned the invitation for Christmas Day and my daughter and I had dinner on Christmas Day with my SO and the two girls. (My son was invited but chose not to attend.)
This year I again invited them to spend Christmas Eve with us. But I found out yesterday that although the younger daughter is again preparing Christmas Day dinner for her family, I am not invited. The reason given is that she is no longer living in her father's house (she graduated from college and got an apartment last May) and that her house is too tine for "a lot of people." I do not think that my daughter and I are "a lot of people." I hosted dinners of six or seven people in a smaller space when I was dating my ex-husband and his parents and sister came to town. I don't think there is a big difference between 3 or 5 people.
It hurts that my SO's daughter is making it clear that she doesn't want to include me. I don't expect her to love me, but our relationship has been cordial so far, and if my son and daughter can accept their father in my life and our holidays, his daughters ought to be able to accept me. It hurts also that my SO has gone along with this. I think he should have told his daughter that he couldn't come if I wasn't invited, that it was rude to exclude me.
Hie has also chosen not to spend the night with me on Christmas Eve but to leave my house "early" so he can attend Mass with his daughters in another part of town. He could just as easily have suggested we all (me and they) go to Mass together in a church that he and I attend most Sundays when he is at my house. That makes me feel like he wants to be with them more than he wants to be with me.
Though I understand that the girls don't want to be absorbed into my family, the fact remains that if their father and I continue as we have been going, we will become an extended family that includes me and my kids as well as them. It doesn't have to be a close family relationship, but their father shouldn't have to choose between spending time with me and spending time with them. And I don't like the choice he is making.
My SO has offered to have a late lunch with them (their "Christmas Dinner") and then come over to spend time with me. I realize he is trying to please everyone, but I feel so hurt that I don't particularly want to make plans with him for that day.
I don't want to be nasty about it, but I just don't like to feel that he doesn't want to bring me into his family. I have been welcoming him into mine.
Should I say something, either directly or indirectly?
Thanks for any advice.