Still not ready to date. Friends won't butt out

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2011
Still not ready to date. Friends won't butt out
46
Fri, 01-07-2011 - 11:11am

I hope this is the right place to post. My name is Amanda.

I lost my husband 3 years ago in the war. I'm a widow with a beautiful

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007

First,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Condolences on the loss of your husband....

As to your friends, I think it's apparent they care very much for you, but are completely misguided. I think it will come to a point where you'll just flat out have to tell them something like, "if you don't stop and respect my wishes, I won't be able to see/talk to you for now."

As to getting into a relationship, dating doesn't have to go there, if that's not what you want. And from everything I've read, it's not a good idea to introduce your child to a man unless you've been in a serious relationship anywhere from 6 months to a year. So those don't necessarily have to be barriers to going out now and again, kwim?

I'm glad you found this board, and I hope you are able to find some answers here. If nothing else, we're here to support and listen!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004

Welcome! I'm really sorry for your loss. Everyone who has gone to the war is a hero.

It sounds like your friends all have someone in their lives and they seem to think that everyone should have a SO. Especially since they think "alone" = "lonely". It sounds like they are trying to "remedy" your being alone.

Have you tried refusing to go on dates they try to "send" you on? If you have been reluctantly going on the dates, your friends are probably thinking, "oh she's being tough now, but she'll fall for someone real soon". You are right in not wanting to introduce your daughter to a man right now, knowing you don't want to "settle down" yet.

I'm glad the counseling has helped you get through the grieving process. Only you know when you are ready to date and your friends have been trying to make the decision for you. It's great that you are in touch with your feelings and have a good head on your shoulders.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008

My condolences. Your friends are being pushy alright. I think you should tell them that their pushiness is an insult to you. They're saying they know what's best for your life and you don't. Has any of them ever try dating while raising a kid? It's a whole different ball game then just dating. There are a lot of things to take into consideration when dating when you have kids. The younger they are, the more difficult it can be - but not impossible.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004

Hi,

My sympathy for the loss of your spouse. We should all be thankful for his courage.

I'm sure you may have discussed this with your counselor but it sounds to me like your friends and relatives are more uncomfortable with your singleness than you are. We also still live in a culture that abhors a vacuum and your widowhood has probably thrown them for a loop, i.e. they THINK you'd be better off coupled.

My suggestion is this: firmly and politely tell everyone who tries to fix you up

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2011

Thank you thebergh. And, thank all of you who replied as well. Hopefully, I will get to know each and everyone of you wonderful people, eventually. I'm so glad I found this board.

thebergh, They are all really well meaning friends but why do they feel a need to rescue me? I'm a strong women, always have been. If I need advice or help ,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003

Hi Amanda,

I cried reading your last post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2011

Thank you Para for your kind and knowledgeable words. There is one thing that haunts me however.

Before I met my husband, we dated many years. His family never liked me because before I met and fell in love with my husband, I was Lesbian.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008

I think a lot of people are used to you being "paired up" with your husband so they think finding somebody new will be a cure all. It's amazing we live in the 21st century and people still think like that. People also sometimes think that just because we go through something painful that all the sudden, we're vulnerable. We can be just as strong on the inside, even when we are wearing our emotions on our sleeves. You're right about that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008

I just read your last post to Paradigm Shifter. I won't judge you. I consider myself Christian, but I don't judge people. Like Jesus said, "let the one without sin cast the first stone" and no one even had an answer for him. They all dropped the stones and walked away.

Anyhow, I am very curious as to how you "became" heterosexual. I always figured a person was one or the other. Hope you're not offended and you don't have to answer this. Just curious, I guess.

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