Still perplexed?Why lie to one and not to the other???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Still perplexed?Why lie to one and not to the other???
6
Wed, 10-02-2013 - 2:01pm

Ok so this happened awhile back and I'm not sure if I had already talked about this..but I've known 2 friends of mine since junior high to high school.Well we kept intouch throughout the yrs after finishing school.At one point one of the friends(I'll call her Jean) actually lived together out of state for awhile with the other friend(I'll call her Sue) for awhile and then came back to live with her parents again.Then later she got married to a guy who had about 5 kids who at one time or another lived with the couple throughtout their marriage.The now ex husband wasn't a good husband for my friend.She had always wanted a child..even with him BUT he had too many problems..mainly his kids and he drank a lot. Well fast forward and eventually  she ended up meeting up with someone whom she had known while in highschool through myspace and then facebook.All the while she is starting to get to know this man again..I had alread moved away and was living in another state BUT we always still talked on the phone.She had told me about getting in with myspace...which I did for awhile but deleted it because it's not me.Then she got all involved with facebook...looking up people from junior high and highschool and saying to me that she's always on there..I joined FB too but no longer have an acct.Well the hurtful thing is that when she started to like this guy...she told me and the other mutual friend.She told us that he was divorced and that he had 2 kids.because that's what he had told HER..well later she told us that he confessed and stated that he was not divorced but separated (meaning still married).Well of course by the time he told her the real truth...she was already in love with him.Well Me and the other mutual friend would ask when he would be getting his divorce..she would tell us one thing or another..anyways so more time went on...by now...I barely heard from my friend like I use to..you know...talking on the phone...she was ALWAYS on FB...so I stopped calling because I was always the one making the attempt to call while she was enthralled with FB..so I stopped...well one day I get a call from the mutual friend(SUE).We had not talked on the phone for awhile...we would e-mail...I had tried to talk to her too but by then she had had another kid and had married the guy and she was always busy with her oldest kid who is autistic so I just chalked it up to her being very busy also with a job that tired her out.So one day I finally get her on the phone and we're talking for a bit and she tells me that (JEAN) is telling everyone that she is now married to her guy BUT in reality she's not.They're just telling everyone because her parents are asking them when she's going to get married because by now JEAN is pregnant with his kid...so the parents are wondering what's the hold up...you're pregant..when are you guys getting married?Well my mutual friend says "don't tell her that I told you".Well after my mutual friend tells me this about a week later..JEAN herself calls me and tell me the same LIE.I had already known by now the truth thanks to the mutual friend BUT I would assume that JEAN would have told me the truth too ....but she didn't.I'm perplexed as to why she would tell one friend the truth and lie to the other one?We all 3 don't live next door to each other.I don't even live in her state and the other friend doesn't even live in her town..in other words there would be no reason for anyone else to have found out her 'secret'....It still bothers me because I just wanted her to be happy and ...YES I don't agree at all with intentionally having a baby with a man who is still married and the fact that he had lied to her in the beginning...BUT it's HER life so I wouldn't have even said something like that to her anyways...I'm thinking that maybe she thought the other friend would be more acceptable to the situation?! The way I see it is ..hey..it's not ME in that situation so why feel the need to lie about it?!! I could understand why she would feel the need to lie to her parents because they would be hurt and mad to have their daughter in something like that.Anyways it still hurts me to this day...oh and also the fact that (Jean)takes 2 1/2 months to actually call me back after I made the attempt last yr BUT as soon as she heard about us having a highschool reunion...oh..she called me right away to tell me this.It's like that's all she cares about...the past.....

I guess I'll never know why she did what she did BUT if she ever calls me again...I"ll just straight out tell her that I know and why did she feel the need to lie to me and not to the other friend...although I don't agree in having to lie to anyone at all.I feel that you made your choice and you shouldn't feel ashamed of it.If you know that the choice you made was correct...then you shouldn't have felt the need to lie about it.

The thing is also is that when SUE told me the truth and then JEAN called me a few weeks later..I could hear the happiness in her voice so that's why I just let it go.I just wanted her to be happy but it was horrible that someone felt that they needed to lie to me..WHY?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Since you said that before you kept asking her about the guy getting divorced, maybe she figured you would judge her for having a baby & not being married.  I wouldn't spend too much time worrying about someone who is obviously not a close friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
but that's just it...even when I moved away...we were always intouch. and it seemed to start fading right after she started to get serious with that guy.I by then had stopped asking a long time ago when will he get a divorce.In fact me and the mutual friend use to ask her...but that was a long time ago. To think that I would judge her on that...considering other things she's done in the past...and told me about...I'm just disappointed in some people...I was there when she was going through the bad stuff with her now ex husband..eventhough I still lived a state away....I was still there...It's just disappointing.Someone I've known for years...I mean it's not like she's the only one in the world who is choosing to live like this...she should never have lied to me..that's all...
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002

Perhaps it's because she had second thoughts about telling the truth of her story. Once she unloaded her conscience on your friend Sue, she thought better of it and decided the lie would actually be better for everyone. (Once she had confided in someone, anyone - after that, the lie is easier to live with. something like that.) Hey, I don't endorse this kind of thinking, but just explaining one possibility that might have occurred to HER.

It's also possible she knows - even subconsciously - how you would feel about her situation, and doesn't want to face you with it (because Jean herself isn't sure she's doing the right thing). Just as you said, she thinks Sue might be more accepting of her situation.  You and Sue are not carbon copies of each other. In some way, Jean might have felt 'safer' confiding in Sue - but with you, she'd have to look in the mirror. She doesn't like how you make her - even subconsciously - face her own shortcomings.

                  &nbs

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006

Yeah...I understand that point of view...well from now on...I'm going to make a point to tell people that if you lie to me...our friendship is over...I'm serious.The way that I feel is that if you actually get to know someone...you should feel safe enough to not have to lie to that person.I don't want to be surrounded by people who feel that it's ok to lie whenever it suites them. Yes..we have ALL lied about one thing or another but to be honest with you...it was more when I was younger. Life is too short.It just makes you feel better being honest and truthful especially to people who you claim to be friends with...that's just my opinion.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006

Friendships morph and change over the years.  You don't have to disown her, just know that she is mentally "unwell."  We are all to some degree, or another. 

Eventually, the day may come when you feel it is appropriate to bring up the lie.  But until then, just love her for who she is today.  IT doesn't sound like she is causing your direct harms.  Your R with her is changing, and that is okay.  What will happen as time goes by, who knows. 

Good luck!

Serenity

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
I'm not going to disown her but i have decided that if she ever calls me again...I will bring it up.Thank you for your advice :) I'm going to take it.