Still trying to get sister to DO SOMETHING

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Still trying to get sister to DO SOMETHING
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 11:02am

I posted a while ago about my sister and got some great insights.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 2:49pm

I'm sorry this is happening.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 3:35pm

I would also be angry with such a sister. You mentioned a brother, who went out drinking with your sister. How does he fit into this? Does he help your mom in any way or just enable your sister?

Like sadie said, your mother and stepfather are allowing your sister to behave in this way. They could demand that she do more, or practice tough love and kick her out, and/or insist that she get treatment for the depression (and possibly other conditions?). Do you know why they don't demand that she earn her keep in their home? I definitely understand that a parent gets tired after years of dealing with that behavior and they may feel that its easier to just let it go than get into arguments...whatever the reason your mom needs to be the one to make that decision.

In the meantime the best solution might be for the siblings to pitch in to pay for a housekeeper. Clearly you can't count on your twin to do it, and its not realistic to think that you can keep up with it on your every-other weekend visits. I agree that your sister should be doing these things but she's not, and probably won't start unless your mom somehow demands it, so you and your siblings should try to come up with a solution that will actually work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 3:48pm
You need to stop focussing on your sister and accept that as long as your Mother allows her to live like this she isn't going to change. It's time you let go for your own well being. You now have to find your Mother help regardless.

I'm not a parent do I can't comment on the fact that your Mother needs to do something about your sister. Depression is a serious illness and most go without treatment.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 6:35pm
Have you contacted elder services? They can step in and assess what things your mother and her husband may be
eligible for, from household help to an aide. They may or may not be able to get your sister connected with the people who can get her the help she may need. You said she is clinically depressed and went drinking with your brother? Is it possible she is self medicating with alcohol?
I would talkbto elder services and your mothers doctor. They can get a lot going and give you and your husband some breathing room.
anon for this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 9:39pm
I love my brother, but since we were kids he was never expected to contribute to the household. I don't know why - exactly. I always thought it was because he is the first child and only son. He is highly intelligent and has a good job -and he loves us - but he won't ever help with this. None of us would even dream of asking.

Honestly, I don't know why my Mother and Stepfather put up with it. Mom always says that my twin is "different'' - that people "mature at different rates" and that the recession is why she doesn't have a real job and that I"m being too hard on her and not putting my relationship with her first. But I think Mom doesn't want to face that something is really not right with my sis. She is a nice person, a good person, by my sister cannot see that she is neglecting our Mom and herself.

I tried everything I could with my twin. I might reach out to our younger sister who as I said, works her tail off at a job for a major company. She is tough and not afraid of work. I just hate to since, well, she is the 'baby' and she already works so hard. If I can get her on board, we might be able to turn things around though.

We live in Appalachia and it's the kind of place where nobody I have ever known has had housekeeping. People here - they take care of their own. At least, they used to. It used to be considered an honor be able to look after our parents. I'll be heading back down Saturday. I will take a look at the situation...maybe my talk with twin just will take some time to settle in. But if it's not better, all I can try to split the workload with the little sis or hire some part time help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Mon, 01-16-2012 - 10:23pm
Just a thought (from my own family history), do you think your sister might have a drug or alcohol problem?


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-11-2008
Tue, 01-17-2012 - 6:25pm

Hi Cat Alley,

Well, she wouldn't have a drug or alcohol problem.