iVillage Member
Registered: 07-25-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 4:36pm
Hi everyone. I am back again with another dilema. Thank you for everyone who helped me with my room mate/brother's girlfriend issue. However, I have another problem with my brother's girlfriend. I took someone's advice and talked to her (we had a serious blowout a couple of months back and it is very unpleasant to live together)...I still can not forget her harsh words and the things she made up and told people, but I wanted to be the mature one and talk to her, to see why she hates me so much and what does she have to be mad at me so much. When I spoke w/ her, she had no emotion, it felt like she was snickering at me from inside...she acted like it was no big deal and once again, turned it around on me...I was actually apologizing for something that I did not do, but yet, she still points the finger at me???

Well, I feel like I am the butt of the joke now, like she is laughing at me because I came to talk to her...I thought that this would be a healing process for me...that I did it to make myself feel better and just to know that I tried would make me feel better. I don't want to be friends with her or start hanging out because I am not over what has been done, but I just want to be civil. I don't want to have that feeling hanging over me to where I would be like "oh damn" each time I walk through the doors of the hurts to be treated like crap.

But my dilema is that my best friend, who was also involved in this, is mad at me for apolgizing...she thinks that my apology was a sign of weakness and I let her win because my brother's girlfriend didn't deserve any kind of apology or any act of kindness from me...I tried to explain myself to my best friend, but yet, she is upset at me because I let her down...I am a strong individual, but I am so tired of having to always "favor" everyone else's thoughts before my own...I guess I am asking if anyone can help me and help me figure out if I did the right thing or did I just make a fool of myself? What can I say to my best friend so that she isn't disappointed in me? My best friend means the world to me and she's always been supportive with everything that I have done, but she is upset at me because she saw what my brother's girlfriend did to she disrepected me and treated me like I was inhuman. My best friend saw how much pain I was in and thinks that I deserve to be treated better.

Thank you!

Edited 8/20/2003 5:11:17 PM ET by phanl_78

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
In reply to: phanl_78
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 6:01pm
The only thing I can suggest is to ignore the girl thats being mean to you. Your best friend is right for being upset that you stooped below this girl and apologized for being nice - what sense does that make??? Apologizing is a sign of weakness (in a general sense) and this girl is taking advantage of your niceness and tolerance of her snide attitude. I know it can be hard to stand up to ppl sometimes, but you need to draw the line somewhere. If she continues this immature behavior, the only thing I can suggest is either ignore it or tell her that you feel sorry for her since her obnoxious attitude isnt going to get her anywhere in life. Believe me, Im going through the same thing with my boyfriends son- I let him run over me like road kill and I cant stand up to him.

My boyfriend told me that sometimes you have to treat people like sh*t to get them to respect you. Maybe this is something you need to dwell on. Good Luck!
Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: phanl_78
Fri, 08-22-2003 - 8:29am
You know people here may disagree with me but I believe that doing the right thing is important. Your brother's girlfriend has a problem with you. You have to live there - you have no other choice at this time. Sitting down and talking to her in a mature manner to try to resolve the problem is the best thing you could do. You gave her the opportunity to let you know if there was something you were doing that was bothering her. Well, you may have made a fool of yourself but it was still the right thing to do. Now you can tell your brother that you tried to talk with her but it didn't work out. I'm sure that he can see what is going on between the two of you. But he is unwilling to try to even help in the situation.

So now you must stay out of the house as much as possible. Work as many hours as you can. Look at apartments. Exercise at the gym or run in the park. But don't spend money. Save all the money that you can. Find out how much it will cost to move to a different place. Write down your goals to save for the money, how to earn a raise at work so that you can have a better monthly income. Then focus on the goal. Say to yourself "only 192 days until I have enough money to move" (count down the days from your goal plan)

As far as your friend, tell her that it is not your job to make her happy. You are going to do what is best for you and what you feel is right and you do not owe her an explaination.

Keep us informed of how it is going.