Suffocating, Selfish Mother!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2011
Suffocating, Selfish Mother!!!!
14
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 10:41am

Let me just start this off with my

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 11:55am

Are there any senior centers in your area?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 12:18pm
I realize people out here have much more difficult situations to work through than mine. We're loosing our relationships with friends because she doesn't want anyone over and she doesn't even like my children coming with our grandchildren. She just wants me at the table with her, talking, playing games etc.

It's so selfish, I'm shocked at the way she's turning out. Her mother did exactly this to her which I went through all of that with my mother for many, many years. She's always said to me, (way back then). If I ever turn out like that, yell at me.

I said to her one day; you're acting just like Nana. She was so mad she went two days without talking to me. It made for some very uncomfortable evenings!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 12:56pm

It sounds like a situation where you are really going to have to make the conscious decision to hunker down and build those boundaries.

It wont be pleasant, and she will probably fight you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2011
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 3:01pm

Yes a complete dependent...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 5:28pm

Can your mother still drive and get around by herself?

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Avatar for deenow17
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2004
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 6:07pm

I know you need help & I promise to try to give you some but what were you thinking would happen when you had her move in with you? How long has she been living there & how close is she distance wise to her friends & other family?

I was going to have my parents move in with us. We went to out to look at homes with a main floor inlaw apt. Then I thought about what I would expect. First my parents would be moving to a new location leaving their friends behind. While this won't bother my step-dad, my Mom would be lonely. Yes, she was in good health & able to drive but I knew that I would become her main source of entertainment/companionship. So I did the selfish thing & moved them into an apartment in a retirement community. You can imagine how popular I was esp since my grandmother lived with my Mom for over 30 yrs. This was the best decision I have ever made. I don't worry about them as the apt mgr checks on them daily. When Mom's health declined & she couldn't drive anymore, she was able to use the home's van service to get out. While my Mom had never had problems making friends, she found it harder as she aged & here there are so many activities for her to be part of that she doesn't have to worry about a friend to do it with. Could you discuss her moving into a retirement home where her friends might be?

Have you had her health checked out? Dementia/mini strokes can cause changes in personality.

Would it be possible to tell Mom that you are extending your working hours & won't be home until 7/8 - whatever works for you then you & your DH meet at the store to discuss work items?

How about a compromise with your Mom on weekend meals? Are there any meals that you really enjoy of hers? In our house it was stew & then mac & cheese. Tell her that you want her to make these meals a couple of nights a week & make the effort to come home & spend time with her.

I know you are frustrated with her & her impact on your life. I have been there & it's a terrible feeling as you just want her to go away but then you feel guilty for feeling that way combine that with you know she won't be around forever & you can't help but feel trapped. You need to set boundaries but IMHO you also need to consider her needs too. She sounds lonely & you invited her into your home therefore making yourself accountable for her. Her cooking is likely her way of being independent by caring for you. I bet she doesn't like this either but doesn't know how to deal with it.

Finally, get yourself into counseling. You can scream all you want there!!!!

Dee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Mon, 01-23-2012 - 6:29pm

You have ventured into territory I know better than to go.

Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Tue, 01-24-2012 - 3:55pm

As I read your post I was thinking that your mom sounds lonely and bored and no longer useful, and might still feel like she's neither a guest nor a resident in your home. I also hear how she's driving you crazy with her need for attention.

You got lots of good suggestions already. I strongly agree about ignoring her pouting...and retreating to her room sounds better than her pouting in the same room with you! Since you've raised kids, try to remember how it was during the teenage years because in some ways your mom is like a teen again--might want more independence than she gets to have (although for different reasons than a teen), feels misunderstood, feels like she never gets things her way, etc.

Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Wed, 01-25-2012 - 9:47pm

I really feel for you!! There would be NO WAY I could live with my mother!!!

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2005
Sun, 01-29-2012 - 12:20am
Hugs going out to you --I went some of the same stuff with my grandmother after my mom passed away. I was living in Western WA & she was living in my hometown in South Eastern cornor of WA (over 4 hrs away) I was going home every 2 weeks to work on cleaning out my parents home. I would run up to her apartment & take her shopping or whatever I was suppose to be doing was falling on h & 3 dd's.

I was able to get her onto the local shuttle service, so she could get out to do her own shopping & drs. I could never get her to go to the senior center or even go play cards with other seniors that lived in her building. About 9 months after mom passed away she moved to Idaho to be nearer to moms youngest sister & then she passed away 2 months later (11 months after my mom)
~~Sam stitches well with others, runs with scissors in her pocket. Cheerful and stupid.

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