Talking Smack about Kids Parent

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2009
Talking Smack about Kids Parent
2
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 3:23pm
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Hi Everyone,

I just wanted to vent about this...Hope I don't offend anyone, but this really gets to me.

I really HATE when I hear men or women bashing their kids other parent to anyone who will listen. Yes, I know they're frustrated and want to vent and everyone needs that. However, can't they vent to people who don't work around their child? People who they aren’t just meeting for the first time, who aren’t their kid’s friends mom, dad, teacher, or a relative such as grandparents, aunts or uncles etc.? All these people are probably in close proximity to the man or woman doing the bashing and rumors about what a jerk the childs father or mother is will circulate since one of the parents is spreading gossip around. How can this be any good? When the child’s young maybe this won't affect them as much, but as they get older having everyone know or think one or both of your parents are jerks or know of personal conflicts between their parents is hurtful.

Remember even if the person in question is horrible YOU still chose him or her and made a baby. Excuses like they tricked me into thinking they were a good person don't fly with me much. Yes, some people are master manipulators and do trick trusting people who find out to late. However, I would say this was more the exception. Usually there are signs the person was a jerk, but these signs get overlooked or we make excuses for them since we're "in love". I'm a strong believer that unless you suffered head trauma, are on drugs, or have a mental illness personality doesn't change. So, be careful who you're with sometimes what you see is what you get so don't ignore bad behavior or make excuses for it.

If you need to vent maybe talking to a close friend, online support group or a trusted family member or therapist can help. Just randomly throwing out slurs about your kids mom/or dad just hurts your kid and make you look bad. Take responsibility. You made a bad choice in a partner. It happens. However, they're still your kids other parent and it hurts when a parent or other person you love and care about thinks so low of someone which you are a part of. I speak from experience. Every time I use to hear my mom say what a bastard she thought my dad was I wanted to yell at her "then why the hell did you sleep with him? Why didn't you find a better person to be my dad? Didn't you know him at all?" I would be so mad at her for all the things she would say about him. As I got older I realized part of the reason she was bashing him was she was trying to gain sympathy for herself. That's why she would randomly tell strangers, or anybody else who would listen how my dad screwed her over. She didn't want to take any responsibility. Instead of  just summing it up as a bad decision, and trying to make the most of bad mistakes without bashing my father, and making me feel bad she chose to play victim!

Anyway, that's my rant. I just wanted to vent after meeting a friends new girlfriend a couple of days ago. She just met me and my husband and within 15 minutes was already telling us how she thought her four year old sons dad was a psychopath. To me this was a total turn off. I was polite to her and tried to change the subject. My friend already knows how I feel about that type of thing. Called me the next day to tell me that though she probably shouldn't have brought up the subject with people she just met it's ok because the boy’s father deserved it since he won't even claim his own son. He went on to tell me how she sacrificed so much for the guy. He lost his job and had nowhere to live. So, she asked if he could live with her and her family. They said no because they thought he was a jerk so she moved into his car and lived like a homeless person just to be with him. She eventually got pregnant had to work, and move in with her parents, again, with him. She apparently Stayed in the  relationship for six years then eventually broke up.  After 4 months she is dating my friend and calling her ex a psychopath. Sorry, but the only one I feel sorry for is the kid.

Hope I didn't offend anyone. Just wanted to vent.

 

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Avatar for cowboys_grl
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2010
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 10:47pm

pink_birdie wrote:
Remember even if the person in question is horrible YOU still chose him or her and made a baby. Excuses like they tricked me into thinking they were a good person don't fly with me much. Yes, some people are master manipulators and do trick trusting people who find out to late. However, I would say this was more the exception. Usually there are signs the person was a jerk, but these signs get overlooked or we make excuses for them since we're "in love". I'm a strong believer that unless you suffered head trauma, are on drugs, or have a mental illness personality doesn't change. So, be careful who you're with sometimes what you see is what you get so don't ignore bad behavior or make excuses for it.

Okay, I completely agree with everything you say, except this.  Unless you have had a child with someone you truly loved, at one point, then had to suffer through a divorce....it's not fair or accurate to make a statement like this.

IMO, I truly loved my ex, when we were together and we were very happy together for 5 years.  Then 'life' happened and things happened and unfortunately our marriage couldn't be saved. (I did try desperately, tho)....and divorce changes a person. Alot of times, a person you once loved and 'thought' you knew turns into a mean, vindictive person, you don't know anymore. 

I did try to keep things civil with the ex, for the sake of our kid and I never spoke badly of him.  But, in doing that, my daughter had a high regard for her dad.  And sadly, he showed his true colors, once she became a teen.  Now, she is slowly finding out what a hurtful person he is, by the way he treats her. So, now I find myself trying to be more honest with her.....while, trying not to bash him & letting her know that he doesn't always make the best choices.

I will never regret sleeping with my ex, because I have my wonderful dd....and I am sorry what you went thru with your mom. But alot of times, we did choose the right person, but the wrong circumstances in life happened.

Kiki (hit my magic age of 45 and no longer TTC),but mom to a beautiful teen DD & 2 angels in heaven & married to my best friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 11-13-2012 - 9:07pm

I totally agree with you.  First of all, I wouldn't want to share personal things with people who are relative strangers.  Plus as you said it makes the person telling the story look bad and if the kids hear it, it also hurts the kids--most of the time unless the parent also abused the child, the child loves both parents and doesn't want to be in the middle.