They wont stop!!! Help!!!

Avatar for genuinelyme
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
They wont stop!!! Help!!!
3
Thu, 05-01-2003 - 8:55am
Ok heres my story. I come from a big close knit family...small town life lol. I have been married for going on 7yrs now & we have 2 kids. A 5 (almost 6)yr old & a 6mo old. Both girls. My in laws are great they offer support & never tell us how to live or raise the kids, but my family well that's a whole different story! They are driving me crazy! It's to the point where I am not visiting them or taking the kids there right now. I know that sounds bad, but where I'm from families are big & close & it seems to be that if you leave that town, get a mind of your own & live life the way you want that that's a bad bad thing to do! They are constantly on my ass about how I do my parenting! Always the same w/them, never changes, they are always on my case & my husbands case, which he just says whatever, he doesn't have to see them anyways, he hates the way they make me feel, they are pretty good at making me cry! I really don't want to be around them, but I got to think about the kids too, so there's conflict there in my mind! They can't just call me to have a nice conversation they have to ask a zillion (most of the time stupid) questions! I am so sick of feeling like I have to answer to them! They can't stand the fact that I told them that Our business is our business...meaning that how we raise the kids & how we live our life is not for them to decide! If we were terrible parents who neglected our kids n stuff I would understand why they done this, but we're not, we have good happy kids who we love very much, so what's the problem? They make me feel like a little girl, helloooo grown married woman here dang! I am constantly in stress about this & in fights w/them over something stupid! This keeps me torn up inside & makes thing stressful here! I take prozac & am in therapy, so is our oldest daughter, she goes too b/c she has things on her mind & needs to talk...she knows that mommy has problems, but I am doing the best I can, we both are & that just doesn't seem to be good enough for them, I see that as their problem not mine! They try to pry her for info that's just not there, I think that they think we are mean to her, which we are not, we are firm...why is that a bad thing w/them? I told them that we are going to make her (our oldest) mind & not sugar coat things for her, she's starting to get her own mind, opinions & see the world for how it is, we don't sugar coat things. I was raised that way & it made things hard for me & the world was so not like they told me it was! They disagree w/every little thing that we do or whatever! Just b/c we don't let her get away w/things like they do, yes we let her be a kid, but a kid w/manners & respect...that should be a good thing! Then they compare my hubby to my Dad, big mistake b/c he is nothing like my loser father...maybe that's what they are afraid of is that I will screw my kids up the way my parents screwed me up...God I'm an adult & got things under control, so why do they always stay on my ass? It is so bad that my little 12 yr old cousin tried to run her mouth off at me telling me how to be a good parent, ummm hellooo your 12 yrs old....I told her to back off that's it's not her business....God she's 12! My granny (who raised me & is like a mother 2 me) called last night & said that there is something bad wrong w/our oldest daughter that shes not the same little girl that she used to be that every1 is worried about her that they have all noticed it blah blah she was on my ass about everything & upset me pretty bad so I just hung up! Yeah my granny is right shes not the same little girl she used to be (God they still treat her like a baby) she's in school for 1 thing, she's got a new baby sister, hmmm yeah things are different & she's older now! What can I do/say to get thru to them I have said & done all I know to do! They need to back off, have some faith in me as a parent & show me some of that respect that they get from me...that's fair right? I want them off my back & out of my business! They do have a right to their grandkids, that's fine I know they love them very much but my granny said "Well if you guys hadn't put Syd (our oldest) in therapy we would have!" Then I said "You know what your not her parents & you guys don't have those rights sorry!" Ahhh please help!! Thanks!

SORRY SO LONG!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-01-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 1:21pm
Its obvious they care about what happens to you and yes if they always are bringing it up it can be very frustrating! Believe me my mother always hounds me about being unemployed at the dinner table. She also does this in public along with my siblings and yes it royally ticks me off. But I found that when they say things like that you could maybe say calmly...

"I am aware of what you are trying to tell me and I know you care for me. I know you want the best for me. However, I am doing my best to raise my children the best way I know how. I'm sorry if you feel that I am not doing it the way you want me to, but I am trying and maybe you should give me a little credit. I appreciate that you are concerned but I would like it if you wouldn't bring things like this up all the time."

Then tell them how it makes you feel as POLITELY as you can. Let them know that these kids deserve to have a good family relationship with them but not with constant arguing and disputing that has been going on. Tell them that you wish to resolve this and would appreciate it if they would talk about other things instead of your parenting skills all the time. You can even change the subject! Just say ,"So how's Aunt Betty doing?" or something like that.

I don't think your husband wants to be caught in the middle of it all and thats why he reacts the way that he does. Once he feels that this is somewhat cooled down and if he feels hes not in the middle he may talk about it.

Just remember to tell them this calmly. Be polite. Even if they are not. Be the mature person by showing them that you can handle it.By remaining calm you will show them the utmost maturity and security that will make them feel its under control.

I hope that your family will come through about it. Just be careful when talking to them to not tell them to quit riding your ass. I am almost positive that will make them even more pursuant. Good luck and hope everything works out.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Fri, 05-02-2003 - 7:05pm
Yea your parents care, but it sounds like they just want to be in your business!

When they butt in, smile and say "Thank you." or "I appreciate your concern, but this way has been working out for me." or "My children are happy with their home life." Or "My husband and I agree on how to raise our kids and this works for us."

I realize that living in a small town it is hard to keep your business a secret. BUt he less you tell your parents, hopefully the less they will know. Maybe the less they will ask. I know its hard not to get upset, but I think that getting upset will only encourage them to ask more. I think its kind of like the bully in school. The more you get upset, the more the bully comes at you, because they are looking for a reaction. Could your parents possibly be doing this to get a reaction out of you and make you upset?

Maybe not becoming visibly upset will help diffuse the situation.

Also, maybe counseling buying a book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward may help. I have the book and it is a GREAT book!


Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-03-2003 - 2:14am
You will be 85yrs. old and your parents WILL ALWAYS treat you like a two years old, that's what alot of parents do to their children, (mine did too, but they're slowing down now, because what I SAY I meant and do). Forget about a relationship with your kids with them, unless they start to change, which I doubt very much. The less they are expose to that kind of environment, the better for them. Mine are the same way, and they are very good children w/no knowledge of how I went thru (abusive, dysfunctional) growing up. If your parents wonder why, explain and TELL THEM, exactly what's on your mind. If they complain, TELL THEM, you're now a mother with kids of your own, you decide what's best for them. If your husband agree with you, more power to you. When your kids are much older, it's up to them to want a relationship with your parents, but that's up to them.

Unless your parents improve their behavior, your kids are not suffering. Your parents will suffer from not knowing how to get better along with them when they're young. Don't allow yourself to be (stressed) manipulize and controlled by your parents. They've done their share of parenting WITH YOU, now it's your turn with YOUR KIDS. Enough said. Good luck! Relax mommy, and get rid of the prozac, after today, you won't be needing them! What's worst is if you get prozac withdrawal it could be worst, because then you'll depend on drugs to get you back on your feet.