Thoughts? New here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Thoughts? New here.
9
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 10:00am

Hi:

I will try to explain this in a way that makes sense. I am divorced and remarried (happily). Because of kids, I still live in the same community. But, I would have moved if at all possible. My "old" life had a ton of toxicity in it and I have worked really hard to create a new life (not easy). A woman who I was friends with (but can now see was always digging at me) came back into my life when I met my new H. She had totally abandoned me and now seemed really interested in knowing what I was doing. Stupidly, I introduced a friend of hers to my new BIL. Had I thought they would get married (they did) and I would have this person who does not wish me well in our life (she knows all my news/works to make sure this new SIL and I have no relationship) would again have a front row seat...I would never have introduced them!

We have tried to reach out to this SIL and her H. But they appear to want nothing to do with us. Of course, I have tried to change my thinking/not care/focus on the family members I do like. But now, we just heard third hand about their new baby's christening (we weren't invited.).

To make matters more confusing my H's family is hard-wired for "Don't ask Don't tell Don't get involved". I know his Dad told him he thought it was weird and his mom is some one who loves to drive a wedge between her kids (I know. Have you ever heard of such a thing?).

To recap: I worked to get out of a life that had lots of negative stuff in it, and now in my new extended family, there is this ongoing weirdness that I in part attribute to the "poisoning of the well" by this old friend. She (and the new SIL) have never made any effort (after the day we introduced the happy couple) to see me, say thanks, say "let's grab coffee." And again, I have reached out to the SIL to no avail.

How do I reframe this in my mind? How do I go forward with what feels (to me) like this odd nasty aura? My H is a doll but has told me "In our family, we just don't talk about things." So I'm not going to change that. I want him to have a 1 on 1 with his brother and just clear the air. He won't. and I have to honor that.

Sorry, but I just had to listen to my MIL go on and on about how much fun they all had last weekend and of course, we weren't included.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2008
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 11:17am
I just wanted to welcome you to the board!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 12:05pm
I'm confused...

How long have you been married? How long has the BIL and his wife been married, or known each other and left you out?

Is your main complaint about the "weirdness", and can you give us some examples?

And if you don't mind me asking, have you posted here before?








 

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 1:06pm

Hi Gilly. Welcome to the board.

Do you think this so called "friend" is the cause of your SIL not speaking to you? What does your DH think of his own brother dropping out of your lives, the moment he got married? I think the best way to keep the toxicity at bay, is to not let them have free rent in your head. By simply not dealing with them at all, you are putting them in the back of your mind and that's a big help. I have a few toxic family members myself and I keep my relationship with them "very surfacy", because I have to deal with them when we visit other relatives.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 2:15pm

If it were me, I would ignore them, and live my life anyways.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 6:07pm

My family of origin is extremely toxic, and it is very hard work to distance yourself and hearing about all of the get togethers that I don't go to in order to stay away from a toxic sibling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2009
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 6:16pm

Thanks to everyone who replied. Your responses were very helpful and actually made some points that made a ton of sense

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 7:09pm

Yes, its a good chance the friend said something.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2009
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 7:27pm
I missed the part about the christening. They must be really petty people, and you should be glad they're not in your lives.

(para, I sent you an e-mail.)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Fri, 02-04-2011 - 9:19pm

It tough when family members act toxic and for no good reason. You can avoid the ex friend, but you can't avoid BIL and SIL without offending others in the family. My family doesn't like the discuss the elephant in the room either. Not discussing it doesn't make it go away. I guess you could treat the dumb BIL and SIL with the same courtesy they treat you... which is none.

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