Time to cut them off?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2001
Time to cut them off?
4
Sun, 11-11-2012 - 5:16pm

Hi everyone

I'm having a major problem with two of my oldest friends and I really don't know what to do about it anymore. It's making me very uneasy and irritable and nervous. Don't want to be a big moan about it, so I'll try and summarise the problem as best I can.

I have two old friends - Lisa and Sandra. Have known them both since I was 13 and 14 respectively. I was best friends with Lisa until around 17/18 then as the years went on and Lisa moved away, I grew very close to Sandra and have done a lot of travelling with her across the world. 

Over the past few years, due to various factors, I developed severe depression, but have done my best to struggle on, haven't been away from work, but having said this, earn minimum wage. Compared to both of them, they must earn at least double what I do. Because I have become quite introverted - my partner left me quite suddenly and I have also suffered from 2 different bouts of abuse at the hands of men - I am not out as often as I would like to be. My job is quite demanding despite the poor pay and I also do NOT have the money to be going out on big nights out. If I get one good night out a month I'm lucky.

Added to this, various ways that the two of them have treated me have made me very wary of them. I should add they do not mix together and aren't friends, but their treatment is the same. 

In 2008, Lisa and I had a planned trip to Europe (to Paris) and on the morning of the trip despite months of planning, she texted me after my bags were already loaded on to the flight, to say she wasn't coming. To this day, I have never been given a decent explanation as to her actions. All she did was send me a bunch of flowers and when I later asked for an explanation, she said, 'I think I was just stressed'.

So I distanced myself from her. She seemed to think she was entitled, and I did try to keep things going, was even her bridesmaid during her first marriage (during which she also treated me poorly, not turning up to showings I had arranged for her etc). But I found it a strain being her friend and am aware that I probably should have ended the friendship with her after the airport incident. But I didn't. Instead I introverted it on to me and thought there must be something wrong with me that she didn't show up. Around this time was the start of my depressive state.

Sandra is the same. She puts herself first, takes exactly HALF of my money off me for even the price of a DVD. One night recently I told her I needed my last five dollars for electricity, but she still took half of it for the cost of a toll booth payment. I was left with no electric for days.

Because i have withdrawn from both these woman, and started to make new friends who value me, every other week or so, I will get a text message to say 'You've been very quiet' or 'I thought you'd fallen out with me as you haven't been in touch'.

Why is it up to me to get in touch? They NEVER call or visit me. Sandra knows about my depression, the fact I've been suicidal and have virtually no money to speak of, but she would never turn up at the door to see how I am. I'm expected to do the running. If I explain I have no gas and can't come to see her, she would rather cancel plans than drive to see me. I explained to her that she is more than welcome to come see me this weekend (it's a 10 minute drive) and she said 'I'll have to see what I'm doing'.  She also has a much older friend (Joan) who she rants and raves about each time she is in my company and has as good as told me that Joan is a priority to her. 

This is really really getting me down and making me even more depressed than I already am. I'm starting to wonder is it my lot in life to always be 'under' other people while they say and do what they like?

Does it have to be like this? Should I just have cut these women off when they first started treating me poorly? The incidents at the airport and the leaving me in the dark with no electric (when I'd told her I wouldn't have any!) are situations that my new friends would never leave me in without a hell of a good excuse, but up until now I have thought that Lisa and Sandra's actions are normal. When I haven't seen either of them in a while they accuse me of being distant and of not showing an interest, despite the private hell (sorry to be dramatic) that I have been through. They never ask and it's all about them. 

The thing I can't handle and the thing that really gets me is I'm so reluctant to 'let go' if I think someone thinks I am at fault. I can't handle that when I know I am not doing anything wrong other than not being financially able to fly to see Lisa or be willing to sacrifice my last couple of dollars to pay for Sandra's car parking.....

Any help or advice would be great....


Thanks

Tara

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 5:43am

tarajone wrote:
I'm starting to wonder is it my lot in life to always be 'under' other people while they say and do what they like? Does it have to be like this?

No, of course not. Friendship should be a two way street and if you're not receiving as much as you're giving, you shouldn't feel obligated to remain friends. You say you've made some new friends who don't treat you this way so at least a part of you knows it doesn't have to be like this.

Quote:
Should I just have cut these women off when they first started treating me poorly?

Perhaps not immediately - everyone makes mistakes, a lot of people go through more self centered periods of their life. I think a good friend is worth giving another chance, worth being patient and seeing if their behavior blows over. But if it becomes obvious that this is just who they are, then yes, that's when I'd cut them off. And I think you've given them more than enough of a chance. Honestly, I think cutting these people out of your life will help improve your depression. It's very important to our mental health to have people in our lives who care for, support and appreciate us. I would not be surprised at all if the fact that you have gone so long without this has seriously worsened your emotional health. These women could be a major contributing factor to your depression!

You need to start standing up for yourself, stop allowing people to take advantage of your submissive nature and treat you like a doormat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 10:57pm

I can't even believe you were friends with them after all of that! Did you end up going to Paris alone after Lisa bailed? I probably could never speak to someone that treated me like that. I think Sandra is being self-centered. What kind of friend would leave you without electricity?

There are a few different approaches to this situation

1. Stay friends and let them continue to try you like a doormat

2. Cut off contact with them without any explaination

3. (my personal choice) wait until the next time they text you and tell them that you cannot be friends with them anymore because of ..... (insert different reasons) that will either give them a wake-up call and they'll change or they won't really care.

I actually have two friends that I'm constantly trying to decide whether to end our friendships or suck it up.

Friend A - I would probably consider to be one of my best friends. We just get along so well. On the other hand she isn't really there for me during troubled times. I had a few hard times over the years and instead of her making the effort to check in on me she would text me or shoot me an email. She has moved recently and now our relationship is non-existent. She never calls and doesn't visit. I always have to make the effort and I'm sick of it.  We actually also were in the very early stages of planning a trip Europe and one day we were shopping and looking at cute dresses that are too dressy for here but would be perfect for Europe so I tell her that I've been saving and bought some guide books. She ended up telling me " There's no way I could go to Europe with you, you are way too high maintance" and it would be a nightmare. I cried for like 3 hours straight. So I can't even imagine what it would be like to have someone flake on the plane.

Friend B- We have a very light and fluffy relationship. We don't really talk about serious things and we just have fun with each other. She recently started a very well paying job and rubs it in my face every chance she gets. " Oh that must suck that you don't as much money as me" " Yeah it's nice to have a real job unlike yours" and she would laugh in my face. The funny thing is last year when I was making more money than her , she was uncomfortable. But I never told her I was making more than her because she would've been sad.

If you ever need someone to talk to about crappy friends or the depression you can message me. I totally get it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2012
Mon, 11-12-2012 - 10:57pm

I can't even believe you were friends with them after all of that! Did you end up going to Paris alone after Lisa bailed? I probably could never speak to someone that treated me like that. I think Sandra is being self-centered. What kind of friend would leave you without electricity?

There are a few different approaches to this situation

1. Stay friends and let them continue to try you like a doormat

2. Cut off contact with them without any explaination

3. (my personal choice) wait until the next time they text you and tell them that you cannot be friends with them anymore because of ..... (insert different reasons) that will either give them a wake-up call and they'll change or they won't really care.

I actually have two friends that I'm constantly trying to decide whether to end our friendships or suck it up.

Friend A - I would probably consider to be one of my best friends. We just get along so well. On the other hand she isn't really there for me during troubled times. I had a few hard times over the years and instead of her making the effort to check in on me she would text me or shoot me an email. She has moved recently and now our relationship is non-existent. She never calls and doesn't visit. I always have to make the effort and I'm sick of it.  We actually also were in the very early stages of planning a trip Europe and one day we were shopping and looking at cute dresses that are too dressy for here but would be perfect for Europe so I tell her that I've been saving and bought some guide books. She ended up telling me " There's no way I could go to Europe with you, you are way too high maintance" and it would be a nightmare. I cried for like 3 hours straight. So I can't even imagine what it would be like to have someone flake on the plane.

Friend B- We have a very light and fluffy relationship. We don't really talk about serious things and we just have fun with each other. She recently started a very well paying job and rubs it in my face every chance she gets. " Oh that must suck that you don't as much money as me" " Yeah it's nice to have a real job unlike yours" and she would laugh in my face. The funny thing is last year when I was making more money than her , she was uncomfortable. But I never told her I was making more than her because she would've been sad.

If you ever need someone to talk to about crappy friends or the depression you can message me. I totally get it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Thu, 11-15-2012 - 6:39pm

Sara let those 2 people go in your life because NO friend treats you like that.Those NEW people who you have met....THEY are your friends.Hang out with them instead.Life is way too short.You sound like a very nice person who infortunately those other people never saw how precious you were(are)as a friend to them.It's their loss...hang out with the good friends in your life :)