Told family to please stay in hotel, m

Avatar for kellyerin222
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Told family to please stay in hotel, m
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 1:54am

I am going to try and make this long story very short and hoping you can give me some feedback on this situation. My mother and her husband, Tom live 9 hours away from us. They moved about 3 years ago. My sister, Elizabeth who is 18 lives with them and my brother Ben who is 16 lives with them. My motherly dearly misses being so close to us (especially her one and only grandson, Kyle). We make plans to see them about 3-4 times per year. Either we go and visit them at their house or they come here.

Now they live in quite a large house. I am going to sound mean, but they have very poor cleaning habits. Their house is always quite a mess and cluttered. I do not complain, that is their way of living so be it.

Well my husband and I have a medium size house. It is a ranch with a master bedroom, our sons room, another bedroom upstairs that is my office and then in the basement is a guest room. It is not a huge house, but not small either. We are very particular about how we like our house to be. We feel that you should clean up after yourself, it is better living habits.

Well they were here over Memorial Weekend for 3 days. It was for my Mother's birthday. It was my mother, Tom, my brother, my sister and then unexpectedly my sister brought her 18 year old friend with them! I remember them telling me about 2 months before they would come that "crystal might come", but then it was not brought up again. Well then my mother brought her female dog who was pregnant and due any day. Then she brought her male dog. My brother Ben has a female Chihuahua (we bought for him). We do not have a problem with the Chihuahua because Ben takes care of her, you hardly knows she is around and she is very well trained. Well the problem is we already have 3 dogs of our own PLUS this extra dog that was abandoned and we are trying to find a home for! So that weekend we had 7 dogs in the house! TOO much and it was very stressful. Basically will not go over it but it was just over all stressful.

The main thing of this story is my husband and I are pregnant. We conceived through invitro fertilization after 4 years and 3 months of trying. We had to pay for everything out of pocket (we are not rich and it is not cheap). We were not sure if we could even afford it if this did not work. From the gracious of God it did work. Then that Memorial weekend I started to massively bleed. Went to the ER and thought we lost everything (there was 95% chance of twins). We were devastated! Well good thing is 4 days later had another ultrasound and found out there is still one baby, we also saw the heartbeat. Problem is I have a huge blood clot underneath the baby. I was told strict bed rest, no stress and I am now at higher chance of miscarriage. So we go again and the blood clot is bigger but closer to the opening so we could pass it very soon (next us tomorrow). family has decided (and we knew this 4 months now) that they want to come here at the end of June to the first week of July. A total of 8 days. When they left over Memorial Day the house was a complete mess. Wet towels and trash was on the guest room downstairs that we found after they left. My husband and I talked and think that it is not a good idea for them to stay with us. Our house is not big enough and it is alot of stress. We do want to visit with them and would like them to come, but to stay in a hotel. I fretted over this for 4 days before asking my mother because I knew I might get a guilt trip. So I finally told my mom that we still want them to come and want to see them every day, but we would like them to stay in a hotel room and not take the dogs. I said that Steve and I are going to give them $150 towards the hotel room and I even called around and found decent prices. For 8 days it would be 170-190$ for their portion and that is with a kitchen in the room. I told them please do not be offended just we now have to do everything possible to keep me stress free and I have to first worry about this baby I am carrying.

My mother husband was quiet at first and then immediately said they should not come that my and the baby's health was the first priority. The thing is I know he was saying that because he does not want to pay for a hotel.

Then my mother calls me two days ago and says they do not want to make a descion till the 16th when I go for my middle month ultrasound. I told them that even if I pass the clot I will still be on restricted activity and will not need the stress. She then says "Tom says we should stay a few days with you guys and then camp out in your back yard." I freaked and said no mom I do not want that to happen! I insisted they immediately forget that idea.

So Tom calls me tonight and says "We are not coming." I asked them why. He then says "We can not afford it." I told him that Eliz will watch the dogs and that will save you $450 in boarding (since her dog had the puppies) and you will only have to pay for the hotel room. He then goes into "Well I thought we could just camp in your back yard." I then said "No then everyone will be in and out. We have to worry about mud going through our house. Also the mosquitoes and ticks are horrible right now. I am not even sure what the weather is and it is not a good idea. Plus we live in a subdivision what are my neighbors going to think!" He then says "I did not know we were such a stress and the last time we were that I did not think there was a mess and blah blah blah." Well I could go on forever about last visit, but some things are better left unsaid. So he is putting this HUGE guilt trip on me.

I then told him "I am sorry and did not mean to offend you guys if I did, but this baby is very important to us and right now that is first priority. If you decide to come that is your decision."

Well it is planned every year for Ben my 16 year old Brother to come for 2-3 weeks to stay with us. (He is the normal one in the family) He is great at helping out around the house, our son adores him and my husband loves to chum around with him. I am also very close with my brother. Well we have been talking for months about what we are going to do when he is here and he is excited to help Steve get the nursery ready. Plus 4th of July is a blast at our house and we have a pool. So it really is also a break from home.

Well when I was on the phone with Tom I said to him before we were to get off "Steve and I will leave on a Friday and get back and then leave on Saturday for home." He says "Well Ben might now be coming." I then said "We just talked to him 3 days ago and he was talking about it and excited, what is the problem?" He then goes into that he got a job. I said "Yes Tom we know he has been occasionally cutting lawns for extra money that he has been saving, that has not changed and we knew about this." he goes into "Well he does not know we are not going so this could change." By this time I was losing my patience and just said "Do not say Ben can not come here like he does every year because you have decided that you and mom are not coming." Our conversation ended there.

Why does this bug me so much? I really feel back telling them to stay in a hotel, but the main thing right now is my unborn baby! I can see them for the rest of my life, but my child will only have a certain amount of time to get here and be healthy. Then to camp in my back yard! We even offer to help with $150 towards the hotel room. Am I being a horrible mean person to ask them to stay in a hotel room? Now I feel like my mother is going to hold this against me because I am the one who stopped their trip by saying please stay in a hotel room. I think Toms guilt trip tonight did hurt. I want to see them and to have fun, but my husband and I have to think about what is most important right now. Please tell me what you think.

Thank you and if you made it this far in reading you are wonderful! Sorry it is so long!


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 5:03am
I see nothing wrong with asking them to stay in a hotel. Like you said your baby is your priority and house guests do bring a great deal of stress. I think with offering to help them pay for the hotel, and even finding one for them you have done all that you could to help them from your end. It's a real shame if they give up a great week with their family over a reasonable request. I hope your brother can still come. I have a 17 year old brother who I am very close to and my mom always uses him against me since she doesn't like my living situation. Good luck with whatever happens and best wishes for the new baby!

Avatar for goldie15
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 9:46am
I am so sorry that this family situation has put added and unneeded additional stress on you at this time. Being a MOm and a grandma, I know how badly I want to always visit my little ones, but my top piority is always to do what is needed, if that makes any sensse.

I (and please do not be offended) feel your family is being selfish, plain and simple. There will be lots of vacations in everyones lifetime, the important thing is for the new baby to get here healhty and happy. It only seems reasonable that your family would back off, cancel the trip and either let only MOm come so she can pamper and care for you or either a few come and "camp out" at a motel.

Do what my DD did to me when I stepped on her toes and forgot that I was in her home not mine.....she told me, that she loved me, loved my help and support but, she needed her space and for me to live by her rules. Yea, it hurt and I was very offended, but she told me the truth and we have a great relationship. My Dd was bedridden for 4 months in her pregnancy and had my grandson 10 weeks early. I was up there for weeks before I got on her nerves. I thought I was "helping" her instead I was (and I look back and she was right) taking over.

ask your MOm to come "take care of You"....she my jump at the chance to take care of her "baby" once again and you may just find you enjoy it.

I will keep you and the baby in my heart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2003
Wed, 06-11-2003 - 9:55am
I first off want to wish the best for your family and your pregnancy, I am so glad that you're takin good care of yourself and TRYING not to get too stressed out although it doesnt sound very easy with the drama your fam, esp. Tom is causing! :-( ANyway, I think that it's so inconsiderate of them to not respect your wish for them to stay in a hotel. Especially since you're going above and beyond in the first place offering to pay for part of it too! I agree that would be just as bad them camping in the yard (if not worse) than if they stayed in the house. I am sure they dont see it that way, but they also dont seem to see that they are slobs right? I think I understand a little bit because my stepgrandparents (stepdad's parents) always bring their 2 annoying dogs that don't get along with our dog and make a huge mess of the house, when they come to stay, and they just have different living habits, like waking up super early and going to bed super early, they think its a crime to eat any food that is not made from scratch and they will loudly let you know. It is horrible on our whole house (stepdad, mom, sis & me) and we like them but when they stay we can't wait for them to LEAVE so we can have our life back! Well...I dont really know what to tell you but I am sorry this is hard for you and I'm sorry that your brother may not be able to come visit just because of all this. Try not to let it get you too stressed out, you're right the baby and your family are your #1 priority now! Hugs, Rhiannon
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Fri, 06-13-2003 - 11:19am

I feel for your family situation and hopefully everyone will come to realize you're doing what's best for the baby and that they won't take it personally as most people do.

I'm sort of in your shoes, I have a toxic family on my side and my inlaws are no picnic either. We have a morning tv show here in Phoenix called "Sonoran Living" and they had a therapist on the other morning and the segment was on in-laws. They took phone calls and emails, and what do you know they read my email! I said my inlaws may be coming and we don't want them to stay with us, what do we do? Of course, I wrote, the entire family will be mad at US for their issues and cringe at us asking them to stay in a hotel, and it will be all our fault. The family therapists and tv hosts all agreed that it was perfectly acceptable to ask them to stay at a hotel during their visit and to try to turn it into a "vacation" for them. Set them up at a nice hotel with activities and free breakfast and that they may even end up liking it. (Fat chance), but it did validate my thought that we really can't have them staying with us and it validated the situation for my husband as well.

Good luck, and do what's right for YOU.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Sat, 06-14-2003 - 8:24am
My mom once told me that guilt isn't something that is given, it is something that is taken. Refuse to take it. You have done NOTHING to feel guilty for.

When my son was born my aunt wanted to visit and stay with us for a few days. Well, I was in NO condition to have my aunt stay with us and offered to pay for a hotel a few minutes away. She got indignent and refused to come visit. I told her that she can come to visit another time. That was the end of it. She tried to guilt me "I would have to pay for a car" etc. (She could have used mine) but I wouldn't have it.

You need to do what is best for you and yours. And that is the family you have and are trying to create. Your mom and the rest of them can pound dirt for all I care, and you shouldn't care either. They are in the wrong, plain and simple. If they cannot understand that, then they have problems. Don't take the guilt.

As for your brother, that is a sticky situation. Your family probably cannot understand the difference between one helpful person coming to visit and all of them visiting. They probably think they are just as helpful. Talk to your brother and tell him that he is still welcome but don't hold your hopes up.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store:
Avatar for evyrosa
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-16-2003 - 2:21pm
Finances are a big thing for me. You mentioned that the invitro was out of pocket. So I wonder when your family comes over do they pitch in for groceries? I mean all those people and dogs???? For eight days.... it takes alot of money to feed all those people and animals for 8 days. How inconsiderate!!! Of course that is stressful to you. I'm currently trying to concieve I can imagined the joy you felt after all those years of trying and now to have that jeopardized by selfishness!!! I'm sorry, but that is ssooo wrong. You and Your baby's health and well being are #1 period.

Do not feel guilty about it!!!


(Mom to Alex and Marlena)