help I need some feedback--A little background. my nearly adult son--just turned 20 moved out of the home two years ago and became immancipated when i set limits with his anger issues and inapropriate expression of anger--verbal and physical abuse of me and his sister. Anger is justified but the behavior was unacceptable. Anyway, he has done very well, becdause he is really a good kid and has excellent life skills and a big inheritance from his deceasd father--he took the survior benefits to live on and now has the inheritence. I am struggling to make ends meet and save a little for my future. i was a single mom for many years. In the last two years he went to counseling and has been treating his sister and me well. I've been very rpoud of him and let him know. The problem that has happened is this spring, I was abroad and wanted to buy a little car to take a cross country trip , then sell it before i went back to my job abroad in the fall.. He offered to find one and found me a great one at a great price. he offered to pick me up at the airport. I was so proud of him and how he handled all that. On the way home he was driving way too fast and wrecked the car--no one was hurt. he said it was all his fault and would take responsibility for this. i supported him and helped him as we dealt with this. but he didn't want to communicate with me about how we should solve the problem-finally hesaid, I'll get it repaired. there was no collisioninsurance on it--he got it drivable and then said he and his brother would got the parts, I paid him what he paid for the car as was our agreement and offered to give him anything above the cost that he could sell it for. then afterI paid him, he got verbally abuseive with me, said he was not responsible and wouldn't even talk to me or follow through with his agreement or tell me what other work needed to be done. Basically blamed me and dropped me and wouldn't even talk to me. WEll, it ended up costing me another $1,000 for a $2800 car but more than that I was crushed by his dismissive behavior to me and breaking his word. He just kept refusing to talk to me even weeks later.So, i just decided to let him be until he was ready to talk.
Now three months later, two weeks before his birthday i get a little chatty note. "Hi Mom, just got back from Costa Ricca with my girlfriend, did my 100 skydive jump-it was great"
I wrote back to him-that for the last two years I had been so proud of him, appreciated how he found the car for me and how i wanted to be able to continue to trust him and respect him as an adult but what happend this summer broke my trust. I told him an apology and keeping his word to me about fixing the car would be a good way to mend that. i let him know how much more damage there was to the car. I got no response. When his birthday came along-i sent him a card only. He has a twin sister, however and i sent her flowers. I have always treated my kids individually and on a case by case baisis. But she is upset and is telling me they think i am favoring her. i still have heard nothing from him.
So, my question--first of all was i wrong to expect him to pay for the rest of the damages. Was I wrong to not him a birthday present this year--in light of his behavior this summer and ignoring me now. I am second guessing my self now but thought I needed to do this to let him know his behavior was not acceptable at the same time don't him to ever think that my love for him is conditional. I just think when he is an adult he should be treted as an adult-and I would not give presents to someone who treated me the way he did this summer or ignored my letter to him giving him the chance to make amends to me.