toxic brother

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
toxic brother
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 3:44pm
I would like anyone with advice on how to deal with my brother to gladly respond - any advise is gladly accepted. Here's the background information - my family: mom, dad, and brother (no other siblings). My brother and I are both married, he has 2 kids, me none. My parents, my brother, and I all live within 30 miles of each other. My brother and I were very close growing up until he met his wife. That is when things changed which I thought would be expected. However, his whole personality changed. Everything became all about him. He has become very self-centered and he uses my parents when it suits his needs. He especially uses my mom which really infurates me! When he bought his house he wanted all of us to help him move but when my husband and I bought our house he was nowhere to be found. He expects my mom to babysit his kids whenever he calls, he only calls me when he wants something, and most recently he crashed a getaway weekend I had planned with my parents in which my mom ended up babysitting his son. I have talked with my parents about his behavior. My mom thinks nothing of it and says that's just they way my brother is. My dad is more receptive and knows that my brother is selfish but we can't change him. Now, my mom feels that it is important to do things 'as a family' and I really want no part of this 'family time'. Every family function is a total disaster with my mom babysitting and my brother and his wife sit around and do nothing. I have better relationships with my friends than I do with my own brother. My husband can't stand him and the way he treats my parents. What can I do to gracefully distance myself from him?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Tue, 09-16-2003 - 7:23pm
It is important to get away from toxic people, because they will poison your whole life.

Toxic people think the whole world revolves around them; and unfortunately, they are sometimes able to brainwash others to into waiting on them hand and foot. No one wants to get them "all upset", so they cater to that person. Its like the elephant in the living room - everyone knows it is there, but no one wants to talk about it.

I have struggled for years, with a toxic friend. Its easy for people to say "just stay away from her/him". Easy to say, not easy to do. Not when you have the same friends in common, you see them socially all the time, etc. etc. Don't expect it to be easy to distance yourself from him. But distance yourself from him as much as you can.

I started out by getting rid of my email account, and setting up a new, private one; because, you see, my toxic "friend" was sending me nasty emails. I simply canceled my AOL account and didn't give her the new email account.

Then, I quit initiating phone calls with her; she still calls me from time to time, but I take far less crap from her because she realizes now that I will diss her if it suits my needs.