toxic friendship...please help!!

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anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
toxic friendship...please help!!
Wed, 09-05-2012 - 11:48pm

I have had a friendship with this person since we were 17. I am now in my early 30's. I cut this friend out of my life two years ago almost because I felt she was negative and didn't want her around when I went into a new stage of my life, motherhood. During my pregnancy and the first few months raising my children, I didn't speak with her. I started talking to her shortly after the start of the new year.

Being a new mom, I think I have grown to be more patient and more understanding. It's been about eight months now since I allowed her back in my life, and I am really starting to feel the same way I did before when I stopped talking to her.

First off, we are two completely different people. She does not work, drive, and stays home with her sick mother all day. I am a full-time career woman, married, with two children. I am busy all the time, and try to balance my big family, my job, my duties as mom and wife, and time for myself, and also with my friends. All my other friends understand I have gone into a new chapter, in my life, but she does not.

I have approached her and told her in an honest fashion, and the things that are fustrating me about our friendship, but she doesn't get it. There are many things fustrating me. Here's a small list:

1.When we go out, she doesn't understand the concept of time. I took her shopping to the mall and spent almost two hours outside a store, while she tried on clothes. Then, when I took her back into the store where I just brought clothes, she wouldn't even look at the clothes I bought. I was so pissed off.

2.She is consistently mocking me and patrionizing me with things I post on facebook or twitter. I tried to express to her that we obviously do not have the same things in our lives. For example, on the weekend I said my weekends are reserved for my family and cleaning, because during the week I work. She responded by saying she is as busy as me (although she doesn't work, have a boyfriend, and just sits at home all week), and her weekends are for family and cleaning too. She is consistently mocking me when I post things I do, like statring my new exercise regimen (when she has problems with weight).

3.She is overweight, and so am I. However, I carried two kids for two years. We went out to eat the other night, and she said, while I was eating my fries, she told me her weight, and then said, oh, you don't have to share what you weigh. This is the middle of us eating. In the past in our friendship, I have weighed less than I do now, and I have positively encouraged her to come to the gym with me and try Weight Watchers. Every time, she never went through it. I have lost major weight three times in my life, and am proud of myself. I am now in the process of going back with my personal trainer, and she sends me a mocking message on facebook, about how she is so happy for me. I just can't stand it. I want to tell her off so badly, but what will this accomplish?

4.She never listens when I try to bring my children up to her, but she always has an opinion when it comes to other people. She told me at dinner the other night, my SIL didn't lose any weight, and then, she tried to avoid an old friend of ours at a store. She is always mading rude comments about people in her family, and then, every time we past younger teenagers or thin women in our 20's, she rolls her eyes and calls them a mocking name. It's so immature and I'm sick of it. It's embarrassing.

5.My husband can't stand her. He thinks she treats me terrible. He makes a fact right, that is pretty sad she has only visited your sons once since they were born, and that was because you had a single guy at the party.

I am just so fustrated. Her lifestyle drives me insane. Her opinions drive me insane. The way she goes on drives me insane. I just can't stand her. Every time I log on facebook or twitter, she always make a comment on my status within an hour of writing it, sometimes sooner, and she also calls me, mostly every day. I haven't called her since we went out last week. She also, I feel copies me. I bought a book series two weeks ago, and she bought it the next day.

I'm sick of her mocking, negative attitude. I don't want to fight, and I've already told her how she fustrates me. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to be rude to her because that's what happened before, and I feel like we're stuck in high school. She even told me a few weeks ago that we were the losers in high school basically, always second best, never popular. We didn't even hang out in high school together much. I had my group of friends, who are now all successful in whatever they are doing, and she was bullied. I never cared to be popular, and never care what people think of me.

I have two children to contend with now, and having her around, is clogging up my emotional state. I don't even want to log on my facebook anymore because I don't want to see what she is going to write. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 09-10-2012 - 6:59pm

What should you do?  Say goodbye to this "friend".  The time for this friendship is well past.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
Fri, 09-14-2012 - 10:05am

This is a friendship?  Really?

You say you can’t stand her and your husband can’t stand her.  You say you want to tell her off.  You say you’re sick of her.  You have a long list of reasons you don’t like her.  You say nothing positive – it’s all negative. 

Okay . . .so, why are you even spending time with her?  Why are you spending so much of your time thinking about her and being upset about her? 

As far as Facebook, why haven’t you blocked her?  Instead, you continue to read her comments then you get upset and angry. 

I have no idea why she acts the way she does, but that’s not your problem.  There's nothing to "work out".  You say you've tried to talk to her, but she doesn't get it.

Solution:  Block her from Facebook, don’t initiate any contact with her, and the next time she calls or contacts you, tell her the time has come for the two of you to part ways and move on.  Period.  Put her out of your mind and your life.  No need for further discussion and analysis.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2006
Tue, 09-18-2012 - 4:22pm

To totally agree with you on that!! :smileyhappy:

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 09-21-2012 - 12:45am

Not sure what to tell you. In some aspects, I think you are kind of intolerant to her. I you finished your friendship with her for a reason, that reason might be there anyway.

She might not be toxic, but she seems to be toxic for you. If you can`t stand her, you are now at the end of the rope with her.

IMPO, I don´t like facebook in some cases instead of keeping people together it keeps them apart.

Id you can`t stand her, YOU CAN´T STAND HER.

So for both it is the best to go separated ways.