Tried everything to please my mother

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tried everything to please my mother
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 10:36am
Hi all.

Most you remember me from trying to move out of my mom's house.

I've tried all my life to please my mother and no matter what I do...I just can't seem to do it. I've stayed here in this city way past my time just to please her and help her out. I've been miserable and all I keep getting is grief about it.

Last March I finally made the decision that at age 26 I need to learn to live on my own. My move date is Friday and she's made me feel guity about it it every single day since there.

I'm bawling my eyes out today wondering if I made te wrong decision but I wouldn't know because i've never really made a decision for me. I'm sick and tired of the control she has over me and making me feel bad about moving out.

Don't I deserve a chance t live on my own?

She makes these smart comments about me always having to do stuff and she can never use my car. I always make my car available to her and when she decides she doesn't wnat ot use it she always puts it back on me. She also makes this refence to me beign just like my father father left father hurt her. I don't think I've hurt her. I nothing like him... I did great things in high schoool and im finishing college even after I quit .....doesn't that count for something? I've never put my family in danger never been in jail did drugs or pregant.....doesn't htat count for something.....all i've ever wanted was some freedom to be me without being criticized.

Thanks for listening....

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 11:55am
I remember you, and I am very proud of you.

It takes a great deal of courage to change, expecially if we have been raised to be a specific way. You ARE making the right decision. It IS time for you to start living your own life. I think that your mother's reaction is more about her than you. Did it ever occur to you that she might be afraid of being on her own? She had your Dad and then she had you. If she is on her own, she is only responsible for herself, and only has herself for company. It is a terrifying and difficult thing for some people to have to face themselves. I think that both of you are old enough to be on your own. You are being the adult here, and you are insisting that you both grow up. This is a very good thing. You are doubting yourself now, but you will thank yourself in the long run.

Enough of the pep talk, have you taken a step back and looked at how competeley enmeshed you are with your mother? She is berating YOU for using YOUR car!!! Would you let anyone else treat you like that? She is so competely using you, and you are letting her. You HAVE to go to your library and get Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward and then you must read Toxic Parents by the same author. I think that she new your Mom when she wrote both of those books. The kind of relationship that your mom has with you is neither normal, nor healthy and it is up to you to change it. If you stay, nothing will change.

Big hugs. If I lived near you, I would help you move. Is there any way you can make sure there is someone around to keep your Mom calm and off your back while you move? The first thing you should get is caller ID so that you can screan your calls.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 04-06-2003 - 8:32pm
Thanks Pam! Your so right! Thank you! I will take a look at those books. I will still have 2 siblings at home with my mother so they can take up most of the responsibility at the house.

I am making a change.....

Thank you so much!