vent my dh and the funeral

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
vent my dh and the funeral
6
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 4:14am

 hello everyone!! i have that wonderful pregnancy insomnia as you can see...i sleep maybe 5 hours a night...usually im up at this time tossing and turning...today im up because of that insomnia and because im ticked at my hubby. on saturday, i found out that a friend of mine and former boss-his mother had passed away. the funeral is today, the viewing was yesterday...i had to work throughout the whole viewing-it was 1-9, i worked 1230-9. and i have no way to get to the funeral...its about an hour away...i dont drive, wouldnt have access to a car anyway and im not going to be a burden on someone to take me and have to have them take me home later. plus i have to work at 6 and i know how these things can become long and again-i dont want to burden someone with me. so my dh was supposed to go yesterday, take our girls(cuz they are friends with his kids)and that was supposed to be the end of it. well, yesterday was my dhs fathers birthday. his father would have been 58...he passed away in january...they made plans to go out to the cemetary-my dh and inlaws...i figured okay after the cemetary, you go over to the funeral home...well, then my dh started talking about going to the rosary service at 630...fine, okay, whatever. i called him at 530-it rang 3 times, then he rejected the call-i figured he was already there....he picks me up from work last night and says i didnt make it to the funeral. his excuse was-they had this dinner at the church saturday night. a knights of columbus function...my dh is the deputy grand knight...apparently the guy who is in charge of the beverages needed to get his extra stuff and had to get it last night at 530. my dh couldnt tell him no, later, he had other plans, nope-he went right then and got him the stuff. then it was too late to go to the rosary...and he didnt even make it up there for any part of the service. i was ticked then and i still am...i dont think he had any intention of going to the service. he keeps saying "well they didnt come to my fathers funeral..." like that justifies it. my response to that is "and??" i asked him to go, cuz i couldnt...i wanted our family to be represented...but he didnt go because he didnt want to and he says to me"why couldnt you go??" well, hello, i was at work...i didnt have a choice-i liked the woman who passed away but i cant give up 8 hours to go to a viewing that is not a relative and from what i saw yesterday-i could have called in, missed bwork and then still probably wouldnt have made it up there cuz my dh would have been the ride there...his brother and sister tried to stick up for him too-his brothers like "he was tired from working the dinner the night before..." and his sister says "this is his day to relax....besides they didnt come to dads funeral..." they did nothing but make it worse and tick me off even more. i get it-im sure he was upset about yesterday being his dads birthday and all...but tough. it felt like he did this out of spite. he probably did too...my friend was married for many years...our family is actually pretty close to their whole family-at least, him, his wife and kids...well, its not wife anymore-its exwife-they split up. divorce was final back in march. whenever we would get together before the divorce, my dh and the wife would talk and me and the guy would talk. but ever since the divorce, its like my dh is scared that im going to go after the guy or something...yes, i find him attractive, yes hes a nice guy...but no i have no intention of sleeping with him. if theres a birthday party for one of the kids, my dh hems and haws about going...ive gone myself to 1 of them and he went to another one with me but acted like i was pulling teeth out of his head to get him to do it...now this. its not like it was a social call or a party-its something that should be done, to pay your respects...but he didnt do this for me for whatever reason. i feel a lil better but im still ticked...and when he gets up in about a half hour, i have to put on a happy face cuz dragging this out is going to stress me out even more and it wont change anything. thanks for listening...
joanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Fri, 09-28-2012 - 4:50pm

Send a card and let it go, life is too short.

youre absolutely right. it still makes me a lil mad but i cannot change it and its over and done with...
JOANNE 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2011
Thu, 09-27-2012 - 10:14am

You are pregnant and it sounds like your hormones are in over drive. Your husband was dealing with "his father's birthday/dealth" and that was understandably his priority. Yes your husband probably had no intention of going or did not really feel like or want to go which was  his right. In life our priorities are not going to always match up with that of our spouses we have to accept that and move on. Send a card and let it go, life is too short.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:31pm

hello again!! i just thought i would clear a few things up...my dhs family is huge on funerals. im not saying theyre twisted induviduals who love funerals but they are the type to go to every one. when my oldest dd was 3 months old, my dhs uncle had passed away. i never met the man, he never met me...but we attended. with our lil baby. it had been years since my dh had seen him too-but again-we were there. i questioned bringing my dd and my mother in law was adament-"we go to every funeral in our family whether we knew the person well or not. shes going to have to get used to it. so yes bring her and you come too..." and yes over the last 13 years, weve gone to a number of funerals sadly. i just wanted our family to be there for the grieving family...but i got them a card and we went over to their house last night(she got the house in the divorce) and gave her the card to give to the family today. which she did cuz my friend texted me and thanked me for the card. i think it was more the principle of the thing that ticked me off. i asked him to do something and he didnt. then he said that whole "they didnt come to my dads funeral..." which i hate that. his whole family has that mentality-well, you didnt come to MY shindig so im not coming to yours. ha on you... its very immature, imo. then about something like a funeral. he never once even hinted that he didnt want to go. he was looking on mapquest for directions there and everything. then he just didnt. which felt like a slap in the face to me. i know im probably making a bigger deal about this than it needs to be but i AM pregnant-the hormones are talking...but it still ticked me off. cuz again, it wasnt so much the event-it was the principle of the whole thing...
joanne

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 4:29pm

Funeral protocol varies around the country, in varying religious groups, and in various cultures.  I personally wouldn't think to ask my husband to go to the funeral described by the OP, but it seemed obvious to me that in the OP's belief system, funeral attendance is seen as "important".  Today, I think that might be a bit old fashioned to some, but I know my grandparents and parents never missed a funeral of even distant acquaintenances because it was "the right thing to do" for the honor of the deceased and the uplifting of their family. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 1:46pm
I wouldn't appreciate it if someone tried to force me to a viewing or funeral, and my children, if I didn't want to go.

And don't know if this is relevant, but in my family one doesn't go to a funeral of someone they don't personally know. One person got angry at my father for not going to his mother's funeral, but it's just not the way it's done in certain parts of the South.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Mon, 09-24-2012 - 11:29am

I'm sorry.  Sometimes guys just don't get it...or just don't want to get it.  I'd be bugged, too...especially after his family chimed in with their not-asked-for opinions!  But, you're right that dragging it out isn't going to fix anything. 

I'd have a talk with him in about a week and tell him that you had depended on him to go, that he had agreed and that you felt (fill in the blank) when he just blew it off.  I'm sure he'll explain that it was his father's birthday, the Knights of Columbus stuff, etc. but I'd remind him that the two of you had an agreement and that's what you're upset about...his blowing YOU off and to please not do that any more.

Send your friend a nice card or make a phone call.  I'm sure they'll understand why you weren't there in that you don't drive, are pregnant and live a distance away.  Not that it is right that your husband didn't go since he'd agreed to go, but I know when I lost my parents I was upset and so busy dealing with the details, I didn't really know who was at the funeral, but I sure did appreciate the cards and expressions of caring that came afterwards when I was adjusting to the loss.