Venting is good

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Venting is good
Tue, 07-01-2003 - 8:59am
Hi everyone,

I just need to get this out of my system so I can forget about it and move on. My father died last fall from complications of PSP (the same disease Dudley Moore had). He had been in a nursing home for about 9 months because my step-mom, S., couldn't care for him anymore. He couldn't walk and eventually couldn't swallow so he would choke on food or water. I live about 2 hours away, but I went to visit Dad every weekend for months. S. always coordinated her visits so that she wouldn't be around when I was there. I thought of it as giving her a break--to do errands or just to relax.

S. never was an easy person to get along with. She's from England and sounds alot like the "You are the weakest link" person. After my father's death, she swore that she would never speak to his parents again because they had not come to the nursing home when Dad was dying. My grandfather was bedridden since he had a stroke three years ago, and my grandmother didn't want to leave him. They never got out much anyway.

For a few months after Dad died, S. called my sister and I regularly for emotional support. Then, suddenly, when my sister didn't agree with something she said, she cut all ties with her--never wanted to see her again. So, I was the one that would listen when she needed to talk or cry over the phone.

Last month, my grandfather died. At that time, my oldest daughter graduated from college, we were in the final stages of planning her wedding (June 21st), and my son graduated from high school. I didn't even think about calling S. to let her know about Grandpa's death. I knew she was going to England to see her mother and wasn't even sure she was still in the U.S. When she returned from England, she called me and I told her about Grandpa's death. Yesterday, I received a letter from her telling me that she had found out that the death had occurred a few days before she left the country and that I should have told her about it so she culd decide whether or not to go to the funeral. She said that she never wanted to speak me again and that Dad's ashes were in her possession and we would not be allowed to attend when she decided to spread them. She had told me she was going to give me a quilt my Dad had made when he was a boy, and a pocket watch that has been in our family for years. These things aren't anything to her, but they are to me.

I am so angry. It's like she's holding his ashes hostage. My sister said that S. could never take away the memories we had of Dad and that Dad would be really mad about the way she's acting toward us. That's true, but it doesn't help. I guess memories will have to do though.

Does anybody have any insight or inspiration that might help me get past this? I would appreciate any support.

Thank you.