Very Awkward Position
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|Thu, 06-19-2003 - 12:07pm|
My husbands grandparents (they raised my husband so they are more like parents) moved in with us at the first of the year. They came to stay during an ice storm and then health problems came up and they just never left. The Grandfather died in February so the Grandmother is still with us. She still has a home but it's in a very bad neighborhood & it wouldn't be safe for her to live there.
Here's the situation: In a conversation the Grandmother told me she & her daughter had discussed the fact that she may get incapacitated and that daughter had an apt for her in case that happened b/c she knew me & my husband work full-time, and she knew I had to put my mother in a nursing home...STOP!! WHOW!! I told her she didn't need to say anymore.
I knew what she was insinuating. That I, the wicked daughter who put her mother in a nursing home, would do the same to her!! I was so mad I couldn't see. I went through pure hell before making the decision to place my mother. She has alzheimers and has progreesed to the point of not being able to walk, talk or feed herself. She is like a baby now and it breaks my heart. This is a terrible disease, anyone who is or has gone through this (which they have not) understands. I lived that part of my life before I even knew these people so they have no idea the hell I lived through in making that decision.
I lost it! I just told her STOP we're not discussing my mother - END OF STORY.
Well about an hour later, after I thought I had calmed down I told her I was sorry but that the topic of my mother was not open for discussion. I went on to say that if her daughter had something to say about my mother and this situation that it needed to stay at her house that she (Grandmother) didn't need to repeat it to me. I then said that she was constantly bringing chaos (other issues)into our house from her (the daughters) house and that maybe she should just stay over there.
The daughter specifically built an apt for her mother - it has a kitchen, bathroom, living area, bedroom & closet. She doesn't want to live there b/c of all the chaos. Yet she goes over there everyday - stays all day long - then brings it into our house.
My husband hasn't had anything to do with his mother for years b/c she's a HUGE DRAMA QUEEN. He told me when I met him that if something wasn't going on, if things were too calm, she'd start something so we have just kept our distance. But now that Grandma lives here we are intertwined again and it is causing nothing but trouble!
Well she left that day (last Friday) but she was back the next morning telling me off. She started in a very nasty tone "I know this is YOUR HOUSE but I'm going to finish what I was saying and YOUR GOING TO LISTEN to me" She went on to say that what she was trying to say was that her daughter said that one day she and my husband may have to make the same decision about her like I did about my mother (putting her in nursing home) and that was all! Well I didn't say anything. Then she and my husband started talking about other stuff (other chaos situations in daughters house spilling into ours) then complete silence. For like 20 minutes no one said anything. So I just got up and went outside and started mowing the grass.
Next thing I know she left. GOOD RIDDANCE!! My husband said she packed up some clothes and was crying and said "she really hurt my feelings when she told me to leave" and he responded "don't you think you hurt hers"? I completely understand my husband is in a terrible place with all of this - it is breaking his heart too.
She went to her daughters and then called back a few hours later and said she would stay at her daughters once the apt was cleaned out. Daughter uses it as a junk room and it's a mess according to the Grandmother. And could she stay here for a week while they worked on getting it straight and that she wanted to take him/us out to dinner for Fathers Day. We went and it was so AWKARD no one said anything. The only thing she said to me was to ask if she could put her napkin down her shirt in a very smart alecky way - she was making a point and I know it! Like she has to ask my permission before she does ANYTHING!! I asked my husband later what that was all about and his only response was "I wish you two would stop". Me? I didn't do anything she's the one who made that smart remark!!
Now she's staying here and we're not speaking and I don't see her ever leaving. This is so strained and I don't see an end.
Thanks for letting me vent. What would you do if you were in my situation?