Very SERIOUS dilemma... need advice !!

Avatar for keepyrheadup
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Very SERIOUS dilemma... need advice !!
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 9:57am
Hi there....

Let me start by saying that I am a very diplomatic person. I am usually calm and try to reason with ppl but that all went out the door last night.

Here it is...

My mother came to stay with me in Dec 2002 after leaving my dad who was cheating, lying, and VERY verbally abusive.

I accepted her in my home and have dedicated alot of time and effort into helping her get PAST him and his BS.

Keep in mind this is not the first time she has come to live with me for the exact same reasons.

SOOO... just a couple days ago I found out she was still seeing my father, giving him money, and basically being a FOOL for him again. (he DOES have another woman as well who he is supporting financially)

She was hiding it and when I finally confronted her about it last night I kinda' lost it on her. I wasn't disrespectful but I did give her an earful.

I told her that I was worried about her and that she was letting him use her allll over again. I told her that I couldn't accept her lying to me about the situation, staying in my house, while going and seeing him on the side.

NOw before you tell me that I should "mind my own business", please understand that there is a WHOLE lot more to this.

As a child I was sexually molested by my father. I told the police and my mother, and she made it out as nothing... even when I proved it. She still stayed with him. She knew what he was doing to my sister and I and still stayed with him.

I let that go for years but now that I'm older and a mom myself, I can't live with all of this pent up inside anymore. Last night I also told her that she had no business staying with a child molester, and that she didn't care about me.

That was the end of it. She walked out. She didn't take any clothes or anything.

I don't even know where she is!!

I am worried, angry, and basically feeling like an orphan. I don't speak to my father anymore since my mom left him and I was relieved that she did.

NOW... what should I do? I can't see myself apologizing for trying to help her. I don't feel bad for telling her my mind. I could never stay with a man who did that to my kids and I can't believe she is still choosing him over me!!!

I'm sorry this is so personal but I have nobody else to vent to.

Any ideas and thoughts would be wonderful.

Thanks in advance.

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 10:47am
Well, here is how I would handle this. I am not going to say it is none of your business because she is your mother and you seem to love her very much. I blew at my mom one time because she knew my father was cheating and she let it go by. I now realize that she loved(s) him and that force is a great one. Sometimes it is hard for people just to walk away even when they know they should. They want to hang on to all the security they can, maybe this is what she is doing? I am sure she isn't stupid and she knows what is going on maybe she just wants it not to happen. When you blew up at her and she walked out maybe she felt embarresed? Just hang in there. Tell her how you feel and let her know you don't mean to hurt her just explain how it hurts you to see her going through this. Let us know what happens~~~~Michelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:52am
Your mother has some serious issues that she's NOT dealing with, and keeping in touch with your father just a symptom of her being in denial. My suggestion to you, would be to get counseling for yourself, to help you deal with how your mother is acting. Your mother will not change until she's ready to do so. I would even recommend, as a condition of her living with you, that you tell your mother she needs to get counseling as well.

I can NEVER understand mothers who allow fathers to molest their daughters, and even deny it in the face of proof. You have got to get yourself help, and keep your family safe from whatever your mother may bring if she is still in a relationship with your father. My heart breaks for you with regard to this situation, and I know you are worried about your mother but you had every right to say what you did. You are terribly hurt by her actions, especially after you opened your home to her, to help her, and she yet she doesn't change her behaviour so all of you can move ahead and heal.

I am hoping for your sake and hers, that your blow up was the last straw to make her face the truth of her situation. If she continues, and this is something you cannot live with, I would recommend you help her find another place to live. Sometimes we need to be tough on those we love in order for them to understand how they make us feel. I wish you all the best in this very difficult situation.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Avatar for keepyrheadup
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-27-2003 - 12:59pm
Thank you soooo much for confirming what I know to be absolutely true!!!

She came back yesterday and we talked and I THOUGHT I had gotten thru to her but then this morning she goes and jumps in the car with him AGAIN!!!

I blew up again and this time I didn't hold ANYTHING back. I told her that she needed to respect my rule of not allowing him to call or come near my house and that if she continued to see/talk to him she was being weak and stupid.

She told me I was a horrible daughter in other words, and that I was BLAMING her for what my father had done to me.... uh...well... maybe if she had HELPED me thru it I might have had some support instead of her STAYING with him!!!!

I am soooooo fed up!! I told her that if she EVER got back together with him this time that I was OUT!!! NO MORE DAUGHTER!!

Do you think that was too harsh?

What more can I do???

Avatar for cl_2and1more
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 03-28-2003 - 6:13pm
I'm sorry that this has been so hard for you. It is horrible that your mother puts you through this.

If she wants to be with him then she should move back in with him. Until she really wants helps and change you can not have her in your house.

You are not responsible for your mother's choices. There is nothing more you can do about it. But you decide for yourself exactly what you will allow into your live. And if that means you need to go without them, then you need to do that. It is a hard choice but you do what is best for you at this time.

Good luck.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 12:12pm
She is your mom, not your child. You are under no obligation to take care of her, watch over her, etc.

I suggest you kick her out. I understand how you could have tried, for the sake of your mom and all, but she obviously doesn't care. She seems to need to "hit bottom" before she will do anything. You are enabling her. She will continue to come and go as she pleases with your dad for as long as you let her have a safe place to come back to for a brief "hiatus"

She is your mom, and you can love her, but you don't have to take up with this abuse.

Good luck!

Ejkdmom Come visit my store:
Avatar for keepyrheadup
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 1:25pm
Thank you all for your advice... I really appreciated that.

Well since that day she has gone and stayed somewhere else. I think at a women's shelter. I think that will be best for her.

When she came to get her things we talked briefly and I asked her where she was staying. She refused to tell me so I take it she doesn't appreciate what I have done for her thus far.

Oh well... I can't be the mom to her anymore. You're right... I need to go on with my own family and forget the pain they caused me. Thankfully I am tough enough to know when enough is enough.

I am SO relieved to be free of the stress. Thanks again for your support and hopefully there won't be a part II to all of this!

Hugs and blessings to all!

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 3:17pm
I hope it all has worked itsself out. I hope she can now realize that she has to decide what she wants and needs. That you can't be her keeper for the rest of her life. You now the old saying either poo or get off the pot. Hopefully she has and will continue with her life minus your dad. We are here for ya!! Let us know what if anything happens int he future~~~~~~~Michelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 03-31-2003 - 6:04pm
I am SO relieved to be free of the stress.

I think you have made the right decision. While dealing with family members will always include SOME stress, having it affect you so much is never good.

Ejkdmom Come visit my store: