Violent father....dependent mother.....

Avatar for marsgen
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Violent father....dependent mother.....
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 3:00pm
Hi everyone,

I have come to this a few times before and I have had a lot of help so I am back again because I am totally stressed out.

You see before last October I had never realized to what extent my father had become violent. He has always been abusive, but he was moslty emotionally abusive. My mother has always forgiven him even since I could remember even when she had to know he was cheating on her. Since I was 12 I was able to see that my father was being unfaithful by the way he was flirting with every women even my mother's own sisters. He has told my mother over and over again that she is worthless and ugly etc..etc,.,

Anyway, last October I separated from my husband and left to live with my parents since I do not have a job. After onljy 3 months of living with my parents my father started insulting me and becoming extremely emotionally abusive. You see, my father thinks everything is about him and he was telling all my relatives that he was such a poor victim because he had to deal with my separation. Also, that I had no friends and that i was always at home. Basically, he shared my problems with everyone and made me seem even more pathetic. It really hurt since he knew that I was at a crossroads and even if I was back home I had not been there for 5 years and I now had new friends in the place I lived and my friends at home had changed and so had I. Anyway, he chose to hurt me and we started arguing. It ended up with him taking out a knife and asking me to kill him and then throwing 3 punches at me.

I have no contact with him since then and he has turned all my relatives against me because he is not telling them the truth. One of my aunts actually called me selfish for not forgiving my father and accused me of making my mother sick and even eventually killing her because of the pain she is going through. I got upset with her and told her if she would forgive someone who had attacked her. She just refused to understand my point of view and made me cry for hours. Now I am an only child who comes from a family where my relatives do not care at all fo anyone but their own family. And I am the only only child of my whole family which has often labeled me as spoiled.

So now, I am 32 back with my husband even though our marriage is far from perfect and I am so scared about the future. My mother is 67 years old and she can hardly walk and she is pretty ill for her age. She has been that way for at least 10 years. Her sisters have abandoned her pretty much because they are social butterflies and my mother is not because of all her health problems. So she only has my father and I to depend on. Well now I am 26 hours away by car from her and she is still with my violent father.

I am so scared about the future. Through this whole episode I have found out that if I need to take care of my mother some day, none of my relatives will help me. How will I do it without anyone's help when I am many many many miles away from home? Even if I did live near her, emptying the house, finding her a place to stay, etc,,, is so hard to do for only one person. So today that is what I am stressing about. Not to mention that I probably will be alone when it happens because my marriage is really not great.

Sorry for writing so long, but I really needed to vent.

Thanks for listening.


Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-13-2003 - 7:41pm

BIG {{{{HUGS}}}}} go out to you. You sound like a great daughter who is torn between what to do . It sounds like you said that no matter what you are alone with dealing with the outcome of this situation. I know this is upsetting but I am sure it is a long way off when you will have to care for your mother. It sounds like she would be better off without your abusive dad around, but that is a whole different subject. Here is a way to look at it....If and when te time comes that you will have to take care of your mother maybe you and her could live together? Yousaid the marriage isn't that great(you didn't say why you went back and my memory is horrid right now) , you couldn't live with your mom and dad in the same house, but you never said how the relationship with your mom is. I know caring for our elders can be a task some of us would rather not have on our shoulders it is a huge responsibility, but the fact is in this day and age more and more younger folks are caring for their elders. Try not to stress too much about this I am sure something will work out. I am glad you popped in to share this with us. It is a heavy load to carry on your own. We are here for you. Hope this helped in some way. Until then you will be in my thoughts~~~Michelle