Wannabe controlling Older Brother

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Wannabe controlling Older Brother
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 1:19am

I have a brother who is 2 years older than me- not married , no girlfriend or kids.

I live in a big metro  area and since moving back a year ago from living outside of the US where the cost of living was much lower 

am seriously considering moving to a different part of my state or cheaper part of the country pending I get a job there  at a University 

where the cost of living is lower.

My main reasons for doing this is to pay off debt faster and save for graduate school.(possibly in Europe ) I also want to take courses to prepare to apply for graduate school in my current state next summer and avoid out of state fees

 My brother is a person who lives very cheaply he has only rented several rooms and has only held a lease in his own apartment a few times in his life....he is 45 I am 43

He recently moved back to my parents home again... but this time for good.....because he could not find a job after returning to florida from a teaching stint in asia.

His plan is to eventually buy a house in my parents city because the prices are really low now and he said it lacked culture  this is not his first choice and he told me he would have stayed in Florida if he had a good job offer there where he complained about it not having enough culture...... but I see through him now.

My issue is that .........I told him the other day I was consider moving a smaller town in my state and  there is a big university (my target employer and possible school to take classes) 

He thinks that this town is slow and too conservative and I would not enjoy a culturally rich life if I lived there for a couple of years to acheive my objective of saving for grad school.

I can't afford/don't want to pay the high rents in many of the cities in the Northeast that have more culture because my main objective is to save money get in grad school by 2015.

This one city I chose to consider moving to has a great transit system, and cute apartments , lower rents and 2 hours away from the my present area

I have mentioned one other city in the Northeast that seems affordable and an hour away from Boston and his first question was "have you been there"?

The thing is he wants me to take his suggestion of a city HE likes and move there. 

We had a serious disagreement as I told him where I was considering living and he did not like this city. He actually told me where he felt I needed to be

he ended the conversation by hanging up on me but later apologized by email for hanging up  but also  in the email said he did not want to continue the conversation about MY LIFE.  

he acts like a parent argues where they feel thier kid should go to school. My dad has controlling traits and my brother definetly takes after him. He has had 2 romantic relationships with women  that we know of that ended badly......... possibly because of his control issues. 

He has also had strong opinions about where I should work in my career and has ALWAYS had negative feedback about ALL of the men I have dated since i was 16.

I really dislike him as a person at this point and see a

 controlling pattern and possibly jealously of the oportunities in my life, my ambition and focus for my career and large support system of friends in my faith group that he does not have. He also has been secretive about his life in many ways but my parents don't really question him because I feel he is the favorite child. Another brother of mine have agreed on this in the past.

I have to deal with him because our parents are still living but don't care for him at all

how should I handle it.? We have been fighting for years since being very young kids. 

I realize we will never be good friends but he is my brother.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 1:27am

Walk your own path.  What your brother says is not relavent.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 1:47am

I agree.......... and feel that I will eventually have a very distant relationship with him in the future

My mother has another son Older than us with a different dad  in which her relationship is not strong with him

She has gotten very upset  over the years  that we don't get along because we are her 2 younger kids

My other 2 older brothers don't really have a relationship so it's just down to my youngest brother and me and we just do not click 

He is obviously unhappy about where his life is at the moment and is acting it out like a jerk. My concern is mostly that my mom is not sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 10-31-2013 - 10:36am

I think you should limit your contact with your brother.  Make your own plans and don't discuss it with him ahead of time.  You can give him your new address after you have moved--then it's too late to argue.  I'm sure at your age you are capable of deciding where you want to live.  You can have a civil superficial relationship for the sake of your parents but you don't have to confide in your brother.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Mon, 11-04-2013 - 4:19pm

You wrote that after your disagreement, he apologized in an email and said he did not want to continue the conversation about MY (I'm assuming your) life, so there's your out.  Don't tell him your plans until after you've already moved and are settled.  He has no affect on your decisions unless you think his suggestions are relevant at all to where you are going in your life.  You mention he is controlling, so don't give him anything to control, keep your conversations centered around general things and your parents well-being.  If you and he have never had a good relationship, I don't see how it's going to change now, even for the sake of your mother.  Obviously, he needs to spend more time working on his life rather than telling others how to live theirs.  Don't take it personally either, which I think you are doing, just keep your plans private, share them only with people who support your path in life.  The comment about living somewhere that lacks culture is odd especially if your goal is to live cheaply and pay off your debt.  There is plenty of *free* culture at your public library!  :)

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 11-07-2013 - 2:14pm

Yea, I know it s**ks, but you really have to just accept your brother for who he is, and know what you can, and can't, share with him.  Doesn't sound like your R with him is horrible by any means, just not what you wished it was.

Good luck with your long plans to reach YOUR dreams!

Serenity CL making a second marriage work

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-01-2008
Sat, 11-16-2013 - 2:11pm

I have really come to realize the non-support on various subjects from my family is a reality.

I will have a huge reward for being frugal now........ to prepare for  when I get to return to Europe to pursue my Masters degree

Thank god I have a great support system of positive people in my life. 

Thanks for the feedback everyone

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2013
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 2:16am

it´s really Interesting to see ... thank you it's well done :)