Want to help hurting MIL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2012
Want to help hurting MIL.
6
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 10:21am

Hi all. Not sure where to post this. My MIL is a widowed woman in her 80's. She has 3 sons that all live at least 7 hours away. Her oldest and his wife visited her 2 years ago. They stayed a month. Left the house 3 times. Didn't buy groceries. Didn't cook. Didn't take her out for any meals. Pretty much took over her house. She tried to "hint" that they should leave after 2 weeks and they ignored it. She even invented a "trip" she was taking and they told her they would just stay there without her. After a month, she finally told them to leave. I wrote him a scathing email regarding his rudeness. I'm not sure if he even got it or read it. She has since sent him a letter explaining her feelings. She has also sent birthday and Christmas cards with checks in them. I assume he won't even open them since he doesn't cash the checks. He will not answer his phone and she has not heard from him in 2 years. His 2 brothers (my husband and brother-in-law) have also tried to contact him. My MIL is understandably: heartbroken and pissed. Can anyone think of any way to contact him? I think she deserves some "closure" (if that's the right word). He has a daughter who stays in contact with her grandmother but is unwilling or unable to believe that her parents are so thoughtless and kind of crazy. I understand that. They are, after all, her parents. His behavior is causing such emotional distress for my MIL. I don't want her to jeapordize her emotional and physical health over this. But I don't know where to start. Any ideas are welcome.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Fri, 11-09-2012 - 10:37pm

It is nice from you to care for your MIL. But as previous posters have said, you can´t force a person to reply, to change, or to do what they don´t want to do.

MIL must be sad. Her son is an inmature child, who takes advantage of an old lady who happens to be his mother. Try to make her understand and stop sending checks to such and ungrateful son.

About you husnad, I don´t know why he says he will be the fisrt one to show up when her mother passes away to receive his inheritance. That is sad as well. Is money the only thing she means for her kids?

Poor MIL that sounds very sad as well!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 2:16pm

It would be hard to hear MIL hurting over her son not speaking to the family.  I just fear that you've already done all you can and he's not reciprocating.  Anything more may be harassment, imo, even though I agree with you that it would be best to reunite the family.  Honestly though, he sounds like, as you put it, a jackhole.  He sounded like one when taking advantage of his mother and again when he went into a snit and stopped talking to everyone because he got called out on it.  I would wash my hands of it and just try to console MIL. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2012
Thu, 11-01-2012 - 9:27am
Thanks for the comments. Intellectually, I know what you're all saying is correct. But emotionally I'm having a hard time with it. As is my husband. When she's on the phone crying about this I feel just awful for her. She has always been close to her granddaughter and she really hasn't tried to use her as a go-between. She just wants to. make sure she receives the birthday and Christmas checks she sends to her. This isn't the 1st time he's behaved this way. He went years without talking to his parents in the past. When his father had a sudden medical emergency he showed up and was quite remorseful about his past behavior. Personally, I think he's mentally ill AND a jackhole. Lousy combination. My husband says he'll be the 1st one to show up when she dies and he wants his inheiritance. I have a feeling he's going to be mighty disappointed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2010
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 9:34pm

Leave it alone....he doesn't want to communicate and actually she really needs to leave him alone as it appears he only caused her heartache when he was in touch.  Sometimes familys break apart and can never be fixed and we need to stop trying to fix something that can't be fixed.

San

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Wed, 10-31-2012 - 11:10am

Like the previous poster wrote, you've already contacted him and he's shown he is not interested in communicating.  There is nothing more you can do and your MIL will have to reconcile with that, unfortunately.

The thing is, when she's gone, your BIL will have a lot of regrets.  In the meantime however, he's made his position clear IMO.  Don't contact him further and stop involving your niece (or tell your MIL to stop) in this as she's truly in the middle and shouldn't be.

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Mon, 10-29-2012 - 10:35am

austen59 wrote:
Can anyone think of any way to contact him?

You have contacted him. He's ignoring it. That's his choice. It might make him an a-hole but you can't force someone to respond. Bar showing up at his house and knocking on his door, there's nothing more you can do.