We can't pick our own house.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
We can't pick our own house.....
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 1:37pm
DH and I are house hunting for the first time and my parents have totally taken over. We made on offer on a house last week which fell through, but my parents thought it was a stupid choice and a rip off. Now they insist on doing all the searching and making all the phone calls. Every time we tell them about houses we'd like to go see, they say NO. They are extremely picky and are not even looking for features in the house that are important to us. They think we are too stupid and inexperienced to make our own choice, even though we are the ones paying for all of it. The few homes that meet their long list of specific requirements are always taken already.

DH and I fight constantly now about whether to just go out and do what we want. I know we should, but I know they will complain at me for the rest of my life that our choice of house was not good enough, too expensive, etc. I'll never hear the end of how ungrateful we are to not use their help and how stupid we are. Its to the point where we feel we can't even go out and look on our own without their approval on the house first, let alone buy it. By the time my parents find one that meets their approval, we will feel obligated to just buy it whether we like it or not just to get it over with. I know I'll resent it for the rest of my life if that happens.

House hunting together is supposed to be a fun and exciting experience that DH and I might never get to experience together if I can't stand up for myself on this. I'm 33 and he's 44 for God sakes, so its not like we're kids. We're moving to a different town, so this has to be done this summer before school starts again, but my parents get mad when we want to go look at great looking homes now and complain that we are not being patient. There are dozens of homes listed that we would kill to live in right now, but to my parents there is never one quite good enough. They always discount our home choices for the smallest reason, such as it doesn't come with a washer, or one of the bedrooms is only 9 feet wide. To them you should always keep waiting for something better no matter how long it takes, but its not like we have unlimited time or funds.

I am torn over how to be able to go and pick our own house the way we want to do it and when we want to do it without having them put us down for it the rest of our lives.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 4:05pm
I know this probably isnt much help but just go out and do it. Just go out with your DH and not tell your parents. Buy something you like and want to live in. Keep in mind even though your parents want the perfect house for you only you know really what the perfect house is. Once you have decided on a house dont tell them until everything is finalized.

Yes they may get angry but you need to put your foot down and live your life. They have already had their turn to buy their home now its yours. Once its done tell them and tell them they need to get it out of their system (how much they hate the house etc) but that is the one and only time you are willing to listen to it and after that they need to get over it.

My mom is very controling as well. Nothing i bought- toaster, car, clothes, underwear was good enough for her. I finally adopted the above policy and if she started in on my toaster for example after the inital complaint i would pick up my stuff and leave if i was at her place or escort her gently to the door if she was at mine. Mom finally learned that she should hold her tongue and let things go.

I wish you luck and hope you have fun finding your dream house!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Sat, 05-24-2003 - 9:29pm
from a person who's mother is a control freak and also the only girl and the baby of my family. i can totally understand your situation...

my family offers good advise and want to help me but only if i ask them.. however my mom thinks even now and i am 35 been married for 17 years that she has the right to come to my house at will, that she can tell me how to raise my kids, what to cook, where to grocery shop and how to pay my bills, i to would ask her before buying anything because i knew if i did it my way i would have to listen to her forever an her favorite saying is.."i told you so"... so.. to keep down the drama and from hearing it i pretty much allowed it, now over the past few years i have told her.. no this is helen's life you had your chance i want this, that or the other.. need less to say it ticks her off and now we barely speak. but i got tired of living her life.

i was miserable, because everthing i did revolved around what pleased her and i would literally stop and call her and tellher my intentions and see what she had to say about it and if she disagreed i would not do it..no matter what it was.

i found that over the years i did it for many reasons the obvious being i did not want to hear her mouth...but also because i wanted her approval. but i learned that all iwas really doing was giving her power over me and my life.

please hun do what you and your dh want.. live where you want, buy what you want.. because i have found that no matter what you do you will NEVER please them. not to mention its causing trouble in your marriage.

there opinion is one thing but you cannot live your life how and where they want you to.

take back your power my friend and buy the house you want.. afterall you've got to be happy livin in it and it you that wil be paying for it for a long time,,

i know its hard because they are your parents bt really its your decision and your life.

Avatar for leslie2353
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 1:55am
For goodness sakes! I was pregnant, 23yrs. old house hunting ON MY OWN, since DH was busy at work, and we're in a hurry to move in (CHristmas is right around the corner!) Try to picture me in the cold, 95lbs. 5'2" alone with a realtor (woman) going from one house to another. It took me less than a week to find the dream house, with 85% of what's on my wish list covered. That night, we negotiated, and the following week, we were ready to move in. IT's that simple! We've been in this house since day one, almost 27yrs. ago. DH added the white picket fence, my design. He remodeled the kitchen in 3weeks, my design. We added brick round garden, my desing. We added a second story, my design. I added stained glass windows, lamps, curtains, rugs, and built-in china cabinet.

I'll tell you what? If you want your dream house, tell your parents or anyone trying to get your life in order, that you won't be happy unless YOU pick the house you want. Unless they're paying for it, and they're moving in WITH YOU, they have NO BUSINESS to put any IDEAS, THOUGHTS, MONEY into your dream home. Whether this house is your first or last, the decision should be base ON YOUR DREAMS AND HAPPINESS MADE BY YOU AND DH ALONE and no one else. If it makes DH or your parents feel better, TELL THEM, WHY NOT JUST live in an apartment, this way you won't have to pay for 'taxes' and you'll make everyone but YOU happy. YOU GUYS ARE LIKE KIDS, because you're allowing your parents do all the SHOPPING. Put a stop to it! Don't be controlled.

P.S. The area we moved in, I didn't even know how safe the neighborhood. It turned out, it's just 8blocks from High school, 10 blks. from grade school, church, shopping, two blocks from busses, and other house I've seen, makes me feel eerie, like a dead body was found in the basement, I was scared going down there. I felt safe and happy, the minute I saw this house. It was like love at first sight. One negative: the people smoked. It took us 6months to rid of the smell. The owners, carpenter/housewife left us: lawnmover, vacuum cleaner, oven, fridge, lots of tools, washer/dryer. One year later, they want their house back. She wasn't happy living in a trailer home in Calif. But, we borrowed money from DH's g-parents, and my parents and paid them off. We're just very lucky and I'm so thankful. I hope you find your house and be happy.

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-26-2003 - 11:42am
This should be the most important and fun decision in your life. This is when we let our dreams take shape in what we have always wanted. I would definitely tell them to back off. You appreciate their input I am sure but it can be a little too much tell them. I would go out without them and look for my home. You need to understand and tell them that you are the one who is going to live in this home for the rest of your life and deal withhow it is. Also do you want to live in house you despise due to the fact that they picked out something you hated? You will live there not them. I would not feel bad in the least what is right for them may be totally wrong for you and vice versa that is why it is going to be "your home not their's". Just ask yourself, would you rather make them happy and live in the worng house or would you rather be happy and deal with them saying you picked the wrong one for "them". Go out and enjoy yourselves. They are your parents and you two are husband and wife you have to make each other happy it doesn't matter what others think only you two now. Have fun and good luck in finding that perfect home for youu:) Let us know what happens. Until then ..happy house hunting~~~~Michelle