Wedding Plans Killed Friendship

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2002
Wedding Plans Killed Friendship
5
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 7:38pm

I am getting married in October 2013. Most of the guests are from out-of-town and we know some can't afford it, which is to be expected and that's fine. A good friend of mine (6 1/2 years), let's call her Amy, was emailing me and a mutual friend of ours (who lives in the same town as her, about twelve hours away from me), let's call her Tina, as they were trying to hammer out the best way for them to travel.

Initially, Tina told Amy she would drive and that she and Amy could split the travel costs, which included hotel. I gave Amy a list of reasonably-priced hotels with URLs and distance to ceremony and reception site along with maps via email. I also told Amy that all out-of-town guests would be invited, per tradition, to the rehearsal dinner.

After much thought, Tina decided she wanted to fly as she has older relatives in the area, thus giving her a way to "kill two birds with one stone." Amy was furious that she now had to pay for all of her expenses, instead of splitting, and wanted to know what she would do now that she would have to spend time alone in her hotel room the night of her rehearsal dinner despite me telling her she was invited. She said that Tina assured she was going to drive and now that threw-off all of her plans and increased her expenses. I told Amy that Tina changed her mind, but I could help her find a reasonable alternative with lodging and so forth. She said how would she pay for her hotel room? Car rental? Would I be able to pick her up to and from the airport and drive her to and from the wedding? Could she stay at my 1-BR condo?

Amy also wanted to know why Tina is reading four lines from the Bible and she is not doing anything; the reason for this is Amy made another friend upset when she was a part of this other friend's wedding; all Amy did was complain and had the bride help her with her hair so she could look good, so I told her that you said you never wanted to be a part of another wedding, so that's why I did what I did.

She then said I was talking back-and-forth with Amy and she was done with me. Since then, I've emailed her a couple of times, but no response. I'm wondering if I should just take her and her family off the guest list. She's done this before, when she's stopped speaking to me - the last time was because I wouldn't give her any more money to feed her family because I, along with our other friends, were sick of helping her out when she spends her money on pot.

Should I consider her lack of repsonse a valid reason for removing her from my guest list?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2002
Tue, 12-11-2012 - 1:28pm

Her family consists of her husband and two children (one teenager; one preteen). I invited them out of courtesy, as she indicated they would probably not come. It's been almost two months since we spoke; in the past, when she's gotten mad at me (or anyone else for that matter), she does not tell the friend why she is angry - she just stops speaking to them. In light of this and previous events, I've decided I'm no longer going to the be the peacemaker and am not responsible for her happiness.

When the Save-the-Date cards go out in April, some said I should email her, which I may or may not, depending on what transpires over the holidays and my birthday.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-22-2004
Sat, 11-24-2012 - 12:40am
Well, if this small inccident, which was not your fault ends your friendship, probably it was not a worth keeping friendship. If you keep her, never again try to make any arragemenets for her.
Avatar for elc11
Community Leader
Registered: 06-16-1998
Fri, 11-23-2012 - 3:46pm

If you un-invite Amy it will probably stir up a lot of unnecessary drama. I would probably send her one more email and tell her that you're sorry that Tina flaked out on her but fortunately she has plenty of time to make other arrangements. Unfortunately you cannot provide lodging or transportation for her because you have your hands full with the wedding details. If she feels that she cannot make it you will miss her but understand, and to please let you know either way. 

You said something about her family being invited--if you wanted them included enough to invite them in the first place then leave them on the guest list. They didn't do or say anything to you, did they? Because the wedding is so far in the future I'm guessing that all of this planning is based on "save the date" notices? When you mail the formal invitations you will find out who wants to be there enough to make it happen; and if Amy boycotts your wedding then its her family's decision whether to join her or attend. Amy has plenty of time to save money, find cheap airfare, maybe she can bunk with her family, etc. But its all her problem to solve. Let her own it and don't give yourself any additional stress.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2002
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 3:17pm

I think you have sufficient evidence that Amy is not concerned with anyone but herself.  Instead of being happy for you, she expects you to solve all her problems.  Seems like it's time to move on from this friendship that seems very one-sided.  You mentioned taking her and her famly off the guest list, what family of hers have you invited and where were they coming from?  Were they invited as a group or individually?  I'm wondering if you emailed Amy that yes she could stay with you, and that you would pick her up from the airport and basically make your day about her, would she respond?  ;)  Friends like these are not worth keeping around.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

.  -Albert Einstein

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Tue, 11-20-2012 - 7:17am

worddiva76 wrote:
She said that Tina assured she was going to drive and now that threw-off all of her plans and increased her expenses. I told Amy that Tina changed her mind, but I could help her find a reasonable alternative with lodging and so forth. She said how would she pay for her hotel room? Car rental? Would I be able to pick her up to and from the airport and drive her to and from the wedding? Could she stay at my 1-BR condo?

While I understand Amy's frustration, none of this is your responsibility to fix. How Amy gets to the wedding and whether or not she can afford it is her responsibility to work out, not yours. You are not the one who bailed on her and you shouldn't feel any obligation to answer questions like this. I would have responded to them by saying "I'm so sorry Tina bailed on you and I'll be really disappoint if that means you can't make it to my wedding, since I'd love to have you there. But I completely understand if it's no longer feasible for you. Please let me know by (x) date if you are still able to make it or not."

It's hugely presumptuous and imposing of her to ask you to pick her up from the airport and drive her to and from the wedding - and to stay at your one BR condo. This is your wedding! As if you have time to be lodging and chauffering guests around! Especially to and from the wedding! Absolutely ridiculous and I wouldn't even respond to such outrageous questions.

Quote:
Amy also wanted to know why Tina is reading four lines from the Bible and she is not doing anything;

She didn't seem to have a problem with this until Tina bailed on her. But now she's jealous that the person she's angry with gets a role in the wedding and she doesn't. And so she blames you for that but of course, that's completely unfair of her.

Quote:
the reason for this is Amy made another friend upset when she was a part of this other friend's wedding; all Amy did was complain and had the bride help her with her hair so she could look good, so I told her that you said you never wanted to be a part of another wedding, so that's why I did what I did.</p><p>She then said I was talking back-and-forth with Amy and she was done with me. Since then, I've emailed her a couple of times, but no response. I'm wondering if I should just take her and her family off the guest list. She's done this before, when she's stopped speaking to me - the last time was because I wouldn't give her any more money to feed her family because I, along with our other friends, were sick of helping her out when she spends her money on pot. <br /><br />Should I consider her lack of repsonse a valid reason for removing her from my guest list?</p>

I'd consider all this to be a valid reason to cut her out of your life. Why are you still friends with someone who is so incredibly self centered? She expects the world to revolve around her and when it doesn't, she throws a tantrum and gives the silent treatment. All very juvenile. Someone who causes this kind of drama while you're planning your wedding is NOT a good friend.

But no, I don't think you should just assume she's not coming. I doubt that she will but on the off chance that she does show up, what would you do then? I would leave her a message saying that she needs to let you know by (x) date whether she'll be there or not and that if she doesn't get in touch with you before that date, you will assume she is not coming. That will either force her to respond or she'll know she is no longer invited/welcome.

I would not put it past her to not respond but plan to show up, suspecting that she would no longer be on the guest list, just so she could kick up a fuss and cause drama by playing the victim: "I never said I wasn't coming, how could you remove me from the guest list? Now I've spent all this money for nothing!" At least if you've left her a message telling her that she is no longer welcome, you can say that you did what you could to let her know - she'd probably claim that she never got the message but that is not your fault. Then wash your hands of this toxic "friend".