Weird friend situation :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2008
Weird friend situation :)
Mon, 08-12-2013 - 12:04pm

A friend of mine, let's call her Ann, is someone I have known since my college days which was about 7 years ago. We were decent friends (not SUPER close, but closer than an aquaintence)  we bonded over common interests and loved to party/drink etc. The usual with college life :)  Anyway, after college I moved away to another city 4 hours away and we saw each other a little bit here and there right after I moved, but then didn't see her and talked to her sporadically.  She then moved to my neck of the woods because she got a job here and her Husband is from here as well.  And while she has some friends from grad school here, I don't think she has a lot of close friends.  At least that's what I'm picking up from her.

Initially I would hang out with her because I know how hard it is to be new in a city.  But I think I'm a bit taken aback by how much she wants to hang out?  I don't like drinking as much as I used to and we don't have a whole lot to chat about, except wedding stuff since she just got married and I'm planning my wedding.  She also wants to do a lot of double dates with my fiance and I.  We have done it once or twice before and while my fiance gets along with everyone he meets, I think we both felt her husband is a bit.... socially awkward and umm boring.  I feel bad saying that, but I have hung out with them numerous times (not just during the double dates) and I feel like there are a lot of awkward silences that I struggle to fill.  My fiance definitely doesn't feel motivated to hang out with them either so it makes it that much harder for me to agree to hanging out with them as a couple.  

The issue is also that she has mentioned all her really close friends have fiances and husbands that her husband doesn't really find common ground with, but he DID find that with my fiance.  My fiance again, can talk to a rock but he doesn't necessarily ENJOY that effort with everyone.  She has also mentioned how nice it is to know someone here really well and I felt a pang of guilt.

I don't mind hanging out with her like... once every 3 weeks or something (it's actually nice to do that sporadically because we have more to talk about when we've had more time apart) but I feel like she wants to re-create what she had in her old city which was a close group of friends who hang out literally 2-3 times a week.  I don't feel that sort of connection with her, plus my fiance and I have other friends we meet up with- which I've tried mixing her+husband into but didn't wor.  I don't necessarily want to cut her out of my life or anything like that, I just don't know how to temper her expectations of hanging out.  She emails about once every two weeks asking if I'm free for a drink,  but I only accept an invitation once a month.  

Anyone ever been in this situation?   

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 08-14-2013 - 3:31pm

I think you are really doing all you can do which is going out with her when you feel comfortable doing it.  It's not your responsibility to be her whole social life.  It's too bad that her DH is kind of a drag--maybe if she's nice you could invite her more often to women only events, or even if you invite them both to some kind of event where a bunch of people are there, it's up to him to socialize--or maybe you could do something that doesn't require a lot of talking, like go to a movie or do some kind of sport.

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
Thu, 08-15-2013 - 4:57pm

I could have sworn I replied to this yesterday.  Ugh!

You can't make your DH's be friends.  Period.  Not uncommon at all to have GF's and the DH's not really be friends.  They may be cordial and get along, but that is the extent of it.

Try offering lunch or coffee.  I would be curious what you two have to say with out a drink in your hand.  If she has to drink to be social, then she may have other issues.  I through that out there just as sort of measuring stick of what she really wants and needs from you.  A real friend?  Or socialite? 

If you have a party then sure, invite them both.  But no more double dates.  Not fair to your DH.  Time will tell what happens with your friendship.  I know a lot of people I am very friendly with, but we truly only have a handful of real friends.  And that is okay.  I have fun visiting with people, even if it isn't very often. 

Good luck!

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