Well, here I go again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Well, here I go again...
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 9:22pm
posting the same story....my mother continues to send me cards/letters of how much she misses me and wishes I would talk to her, etc. It has been two years almost since I cut all communication from her and thought I made it clear to her. I recently had my phone number changed because her constant messages on the machine were driving me insane. Shortly after I changed the number, she sent me an email telling me she tried to call and it said "disconnected"....needless to say, I did not reply. Anyway, I just can't take this anymore. Each time she sends letters to me now I feel like crying and sometimes do because I want that mother-daughter relationship that is good, etc. I've tried in the past to give it another try and it ended up the same way. I'm still in fear. My husband says not to contact her and that she and everyone in the family of mine has no respect me, etc. I see that both my husband and mother are right and I feel torn of what to do. I know some of you have replied to me before...but I just got another letter from her today. Anyway, I appreciate you just reading and understanding and not giving up on me even though it seems to be the same story I post each time.

Avatar for cl_starrzz_n_moonzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-18-2003 - 9:51pm
Great Big through your computer screen{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}. We are here for ya. No matter if you post the same thing a million times we are here:) You must be feeling so torn at this moment in your life that you don't know which way to turn. Do what your heart and soul wants to do. Please don't let others influence you on this. This is something that you will come to find the right answer to in your heart. If you feel that you have to keep the ties cut keep them cut. If you feel that she has changed and is really wanting to take baby steps in this take them together. I am sure that no matter which you decide that your DH will stand beside you and help you through this. Again we are here and don't feel bad for posting the"same old" post. We love having you here and I hope things will become clear on what you need to do. Until then keep posting and we'll see you soon{{{{{HUGS}}}}} Michelle
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2002
Sun, 04-20-2003 - 4:45am
What a troubling situation - you must feel like you're torn in two. {{{HUGS}}}

I haven't read your previous posts, so don't know why you chose to cut communications with your mother, but I don't doubt they were good ones. Reflect on that: why you cut her off in the first place and follow your instincts on what is the right thing to do.

I have a step-brother who took the final step 30 years ago to cut all communications with his mother (my step-mother) because of childhood abuse - not to him or his sisters, but abuse of me and my siblings by his own mother. He was my protector when I was little - and stayed in the home until my brothers and I were safely out. By this time, he was already 26 years old and just started to try to make his own life. For a few years, he tried to keep a distance - changing address and phone number frequently, blocking calls, refusing mail, etc... but she just kept it up. She ruined his first marriage. When he met wife #2, he made the final move: he disappeared off the face of the earth. He finally found peace and saved his sanity, but the downside was that he had to also cut off communication from everyone else in the family. Everyone. Forever.

When my father died last Christmas, I tracked this step-brother down through the internet to pass on the information. (The only clues I had were that he was last seen in Alaska 25 years ago, that he had gone to medical school, and what field he had chosen for a specialty. Thanks to the AMA's public listing of physicians, I found him - called the number listed (NOT a home number, but a hospital) - and he was on duty. I was afraid of his reaction to being found so easily - but he talked easily. Turns out, leaving the family was the best thing he had ever done - he is very happily married with four children, has a successful and satisfying career. He made me promise to never tell anyone on his side of the family that I've had contact and to keep his address and phone number secret.

Sorry this is sooo long, and my point is this: I'm not suggesting that you should do the same thing my step-brother did, but it might be an option if your mother's harassment is severe enough. Only you can decide.

Other ideas: Check with the post office about refusing any mail from her household. Get a restraining order against her. Keep your phone number unlisted. Change your e-mail address and do NOT post it anywhere on the internet. Stand your ground.

I wish you the best of luck and God's grace...